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August 28, 2021

I Love you, but I Don’t want to Raise your Children.

 

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Everything is so perfect; he’s attentive and kind; he says all the right words; he’s gorgeous; our chemistry is on fire.

It is heaven, until those words come out, “I’m sorry I haven’t told you before, but I have a child.”

Dammit! So close.

I have never been maternal, and from a young age, I went around telling everyone, “Ew! I don’t want kids. I’ll never want kids.”

Little did I know that life would bite me in the ass with that later on.

Babies cry when I hold them, and children wear me out. I am the lazy auntie who uses the line: “Maybe later. I’ve just got to do something. I promise I’ll play with you in a bit.”

I can barely spend five minutes in a baby store before I get terribly bored and fidgety, ready to get out of there.

Then I met a man, a true and honest man, one who is so together and solution-focused. He is gentle and loyal, and he understands the fundamental values that are needed to build a strong relationship. His efforts are like no other I’ve ever experienced.

The dates were a bliss. We went out and had a lot of fun.

Then, suddenly, he tells me, “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you from the start, but I have one child from my previous relationship, a three-year-old son.”

My response was, “Are you kidding me?”

How is it possible that I’ve spent my life up till now without meeting anyone with children?

In my early 30s, I’ve made the decision that I’m not too fussed about having children—I choose not to. And here is this wonderful breath of fresh air, attached to a child he clearly loves so much.

“What do I do now?” I ask myself, absolutely stuck in the situation I never thought I would be in—ever.

I have to stay true to myself. I have to be honest, and I have to be straight and say it like it is.

I tell him, “I want you, but I cannot be a stepmom to a child you’ve had with someone else. I can’t be that person. I can’t be a part of your child’s life. I don’t want children and certainly not one where I’m not even the mother.”

He responded, “I absolutely understand, and I am not forcing anything on you, but he is in my life. He’s just an innocent little guy in all of this.”

As soon as he said that, I felt so bad, but as a woman who is able to set boundaries when needed and a woman who knows what she wants in life, I had to be true to myself.

I told him, “I don’t need to know anything about the child, and you can absolutely spend as much time with him as you like. I’m happy to be flexible with that and understanding, but for me, that’s your life and I only want this part of you that we have together.”

He accepted my decision and respected my boundaries. He accepted the real me. He absolutely understood, and we are happier than ever.

Women should not feel ashamed or scared to voice out that they don’t see a life with children in it. Women don’t need to apologise or be deemed as ungrateful because they really don’t see themselves as mothers—as women who desire a child in their life, even if it’s their partner’s child from another relationship.

All women and men should feel free to make their own choices when it comes to what they want and don’t want in their lives. The right partner will understand and accept them as being true to themselves.

Set the boundary that suits you. Don’t follow something because “society” says it needs to be done in a certain way.

Let’s stop considering it taboo that women don’t want children.

We all need to be real. We need to stand by our truth and freedom to be who we truly are and do what we truly want. The right partner will acknowledge us for our true self.

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