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September 6, 2021

Why I’m No Longer Jealous that my Lover is in Bed with Someone Else.

 

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“When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

 

Last week, I was the victim of the typical social media pile-on. 

What was “typical” about it was that most of the virtuous people who desperately needed to let me know how disgusting they thought I was for writing a certain article didn’t actually read the article. They saw a picture, a title, and a blurb and figured they had enough of a gist about me to make suggestions about how I should conduct myself in the future and which mental health goals I should focus on.

Typical.

At the same time that all of this was happening, I was busy falling deeply and happily in love. Anyone who has even the most pedestrian grasp of who I am is likely rolling their eyes at this point. “This guy falls in love more often than I change my underwear,” most would laugh. I would never argue this point. This time, though, it’s much, much different.

Most people who know me are probably thinking, “Yeah, it’s always different.” But I mean this in more than just an esoteric way. I have fallen in love with many beautiful women. Sometimes they even fall in love with me, too. What makes this unique is that I have fallen in love with a beautiful woman who has fallen in love with me—and she happens to be ethically nonmonogamous. In other words, when she has sex with other people, she tells me, and she expects the same from me.

You can imagine how this idea struck me. I have been struggling with pushing my square soul into a round hole my entire life. I have always been excited and thrilled about the idea of monogamous relationships; I go through a lot of trouble to get myself into them. I just have never been successful at carrying them out for any length of time. Although many of my detractors might think it is because I am immature and simply want my cake and eat it too, there is definitely a chance that there’s more to it than that. I am beginning to think that monogamy is just not natural for me.

It is a common agreement among naturalists that 90 percent of the world’s mammal population is polyamorous or polygamous. Humans, of course, are mammals. There might be a chance that the severe social conditioning that is required for people to stay happily monogamous was somehow lost on me. All I have are theories. I am excited about exploring these things, though.

“Doesn’t it make you jealous that your lover is in bed with someone else?”

It hasn’t yet. That is not to say that I would throw all my chips down to bet that I will never feel that way. I am pretty certain that we will reach a point where things will become less exciting between us, and she will run into someone who will sweep her off her feet. The truth about jealousy is that it is something we can survive. There’s even a chance that getting vulnerable, admitting insecurity, and the emotional reconnection that would follow could add the dimension that is lacking. Perhaps even add some spice to our tryst when it begins to taste bland. The only way to tell with these things is to just jump right in and start.

I spent many years trying to reconcile my feelings about a woman I loved so deeply who I regretfully left because our sexual drives were too incompatible to continue. It’s hard for me now not to think of alternate endings to that story had we both been open to polyamory. No two people are ever going to be perfectly matched with regard to their sexual appetites. But what if they made a brilliant team, both intellectually and emotionally? Does it not seem a shame to scrap something so wonderful because of incongruous biology? Now, of course, I speak in the hypothetical—but it’s something for me to consider.

I have made no secret of my relationship struggles in the past. I have given serious thought to every hypothesis anyone has ever thrown at me with regard to my character deficiencies. I can almost hear the groaning that this next thought will evoke; however, what if, by chance, the only thing wrong with me is that I simply cannot squeeze myself into society’s most unnatural premise (that sexual gratification is bad)?

Someone once said we should be able to have sex with whoever we love, and we should try to love everyone.

That is most likely one of the greatest ideas I have ever heard.

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