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I am broken in the best way possible.
Here I sit frozen in fear. The world is a mess. COVID-19 is king, anxiety is queen, and I am broken in the best possible way.
I used to go here or there, without any real journey in mind. No clear end game. My purpose was waning. My mental health is suffering like so many others.
Here I sit, gazing into space, paralyzed in a good way. A way that makes me feel I had been just drifting through my life before this point, but now I am ready to work on what’s broken within me.
Watching the world go by, seeing people still achieve their dreams, everyone taking baby steps to avoid an avalanche, I begin to dream of going out without a care. I believe in the medicines I have been given to deal with the anxiousness I now carry with me like an anvil attached to my ankle. I am determined to achieve something, but I am alive. I woke up and showered. Sometimes, that is the win you need and you call it “good.”
Today, I will do one more step. I’ll shower and move to my desk. No pressure to write, but actually, sit at it. No pressure to do anything but sit.
I fear anything written would be dark and dismal with this world we are currently living in. Today, I would fix another part of me that is broken—my voice. I would sit at my desk and listen to what my heart is saying. “It is ok to write darkness,” but I fear the dark, I need some light. Lightness is needed in this world for us all.
I have contacted my doctor. This darkness is lasting too long. With his help and guidance, I feel stronger. I feel like I have tools to battle the brokenness within me. Today I will write, even if I write about the doctor, the darkness, or the misery. I will put words down. I know my brokenness can be fixed with his help and my words. Words can help us express the brokenness we are feeling right now. Words have the power to heal us.
I realized when I write that my anxiety is subsiding and parts of me are healing. Today, I will write about my mental health, about my struggles in admitting I have anxiety, and that is okay.
Knowing and acknowledging my weakness gives me strength in sharing it with you. Letting you all in to see the broken me allows me to let you know, as I know, that you are not alone and there is no shame in our brokenness. We are still strong and amazing people, but we are willing to admit we are not perfect.
I have a voice. I use it for sharing my journey. My voice has been quiet for a while now as I struggled just to shower and possibly eat. Now I feel stronger because I shared with the world—my voice, my brokenness, and I want you to know you are not alone.
Each day we take a step forward. It may be a baby step, a giant step, or somewhere in the middle, but one step. Each step I take helps me navigate this unsettling world. Each step you take is a positive action. It may be a tiny step toward a goal, and that is okay.
Everyone has their own pace. I feel broken by this pandemic, by my mental health issues, and by the world. I can no longer smile at strangers because I constantly have on a mask. I miss community with others. I know we have all struggled in some way, shape, or form through this, but know your brokenness is a gift. It is a gift to begin again.
Know you may not do this, however society thinks you should, but you do “you.”
Fix your brokenness in steps. It is okay to be broken. I know we are all doing the very best we can to just get through this pandemic together.