When I am reminded of the pain I caused another, the pain another caused me, when I get stuck in pain with my child self—the one who was first wounded, when I am there, my first reaction is to comfort her.
The ways I learned to answer her needs were unhealthy. I learned behaviors that kept me stuck.
I learned and believed that I should not listen to her, and instead of seeing her, I blamed her.
“She was crazy,” they said.
That’s where I learned to drown out the pain, because it’s easier to do so.
I tired to soothe the kick to my gut.
To quiet the noise, coating it with an excellent Pinot noir, and once or twice a year, a fabulous, dirty martini that turns into four.
I am writing this because I know it’s how I’m going to save myself. It’s the place where I’ve learned to see myself. It’s one of the places where I’ve learned to love myself. To value myself, to be myself.
We all have trauma. Every single one of us has experienced a moment or a day a week, a month, some even a lifetime in revolving trauma.
These are situations that make our awareness go away from our bodies.
A time where we left ourselves. It’s a moment that all we think we’ve put away and forgotten, but it lies deep within us.
You may have one or you may have many, like me, and it (or they) may not go anywhere.
During our lifetimes, things trigger us and we relive that trauma most of the times to somehow inflict it on those around us, projecting them on to the people we love the most.
I first experienced trauma while I was in my mother’s womb, when I was days old, then later on weeks to years old.
I’ve walked through life in constant battle, living life like Uma Thurman in “Kill Bill,” with a knowing that after all the fighting, after all the surviving, I would find the peace I knew existed.
There is peace if we want it. If we are ready to do the work.
There’s a place to put down our weapons. There’s a place that doesn’t hurt, and in this place, we do not deliver our words or our touch with anger or resentment.
In this place, we see the people around us and before us, and the people we love without fault. We see them for their beauty without inflicting pain by our words or touch.
I’ve been there. I seen it. I’ve lived it. I’ve done it. I’ve bled for my sins. I’ve carried my past around me for so long that it’s all I felt I was.
I’ve lived so many lifetimes, but none of them were me.
I’ve played so many characters, chose different roles to play, but none of them felt right.
I’ve lived many lifetimes, changing to be what I needed to be for survival.
I’ve learned to bow my head with a smile, feeling like I must express curtsy to others’ wants and needs before my own.
I’ve said “yes” when inside me, I was kicking, clawing, wanting to rip out of myself and scream, “No, motherf*cker. No.”
If I hold on to the thoughts and opinions that others have of me, I will stay in a place where I do not belong.
When I stay in the thoughts others have of me, all I want is to numb it. Wash it away.
I am not what you think of me.
And you are not what I think of you.
We just are.
We are just supposed be.
We need to stop seeing others and ourselves as separate.
I am you and you are me.
We need to see the love before us, we need to put down the armor and just let people live. We need to put down the resentment. There’s so much of it.
If there was ever a time, it’s now.
It’s a time to call for peace.
It’s time to come together.
Yes, we have to work and pay our bills, and we have to live life. We just can’t sit in our house and pray.
But while we’re doing the things that we have to do, we can share who we see.
We can share what we know.
We can share where we’ve been and what we have learned.
We can share what we have.
We need to listen to our words and how they become daggers. We wound people because we ourselves have been wounded.
We keep ourselves and others in constant war—an ongoing battle.
And for what?
What are we really fighting for? Do you know?
All I know is being afraid of something, living in fear is exhausting.
I am a sinner; I know shame. I’ve hurt people I love and would give my life to take away their pain.
I know my faults, my issues, but I can’t carry them anymore like priceless wounds.
They weigh me down and keep me stuck in a place I no longer live.
I need to shed the skin I no longer can wear.
I see the light, the awareness.
It surrounds me, and when I allow it to fill me, I am at peace.
I am peace, and so are you.
We need to stop projecting. It’s time we start living our lives.
What if you only have this day?
What if we only have this moment?
How would you live if you knew you only had a short period of time?
Would you live it in pain?
Or would you choose to live what you have left in peace?
I am choosing peace, and I would love to be there with you.