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Doing the work, I have realized that I am an introvert.
Yes, I am highly sensitive. I think too much, and you can even mix in a bunch of other stuff— well, a lot of other stuff.
I learned that even when surrounded by people, I can be a magician and retreat to my own world when things get too loud, too volatile.
I can sense when under the surface, there is rage waiting for the right time to strike.
When the resentment stuffed can no longer be held in, held down, it comes out in the word. It is felt in the touch.
I retreat to the safety that is my own.
I have always had social anxiety, either feeling like a clown, a villain, or a psycho in many social circles. Never quite fitting in.
Coming into the world screaming, I did so until I could speak. Then I went to babbling many words cascading out of my mouth, not making sense, tied to different places and faces, pieces of a hundred different puzzles mixed together and scattered all around.
One on one, I can hold my own, but put me in a place with more than that, and all I can see, all I can think of are the different puzzle pieces. Scattered and detached, nothing makes sense—and therefore I vomit words into the air.
Along my journey, I earned the nickname Rambler and Gabby and others that are now on the tip of my tongue but far away at the same time.
I have learned that we are all a little crazy. We all carry pain that pops up and out to haunt us every once in a while. Sometimes it’s for a long time, and we can get stuck not knowing the right path to take—the path that will pull us up and out. We wander until finally seeing and following it, we slowly come back.
Other times it is a flash that reminds us of a past pain, and we quickly numb it so we don’t feel it. We distract ourselves from it. We buy things, we drink things, we take things, we smoke things, we eat things, anything not to see it, feel it, sit with it, all the while it’s still there waiting to come out. It hasn’t gone away, it never will because it is a part of us, and I believe until we name it, it stays.
We are all entitled to our opinions, but when they are backed by strong emotions, they can become dangerous.
To move forward out and away from the pain, we need to put down the resentment we carry. We need to put down the arsenal of weapons we hold. I say this over and over, my belief is strong.
We all have evolved from such darkness. The history of humanity shows us how, as humans, we’ve come a long way. But often, I can’t believe that as educated as we’ve become, we still can’t see what all of this is really about.
It’s not about the stuff.
It’s not about the things—that’s not why we are here.
Gone should be the days that anyone should have to worry about food, where anyone should have to worry about a roof over their head. And no, I don’t think handouts are the answer either.
There are too many smart people who see this. But instead, they collect for their own personal gain, padding their pockets both left and the right, and yes, the middle.
The media gets into our homes and heads creating more fear instead of trying to create more peace.
There are too many smart people in this world who have to ability to save humanity, too many people who have the intelligence and tools to lift each other.
We all have a past that can be of benefit to others when we share. We all have a voice and when we use it with the intention to serve, it may indeed lift someone from the despair they are in.
I believe we are here for so much more.
I am not my past and neither are you. And I believe together, we can and will change the world.
And so it is.