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January 31, 2022

Did You Come? Such a Heavy Question.

Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric on Pexels.

I spent a beautiful weekend with a couple on a private retreat.

It was a weekend of tears, of celebration, of releasing, of realizing, of openness, of vulnerability and a deep dive into Possibility. For all of us.

One of the things that emerged, as it does on so many journeys, that is so important in our sexual journeys.

Get away from the outcome into the pleasure.

It’s so simple, and it changes so much in so many relationships, in so many experiences and opens so many doors of possibility.

It frees us to feel, to experience.

It frees us to connect.

It frees us into intimacy.

The outcome, the performance, the judgment, the goal.

The criterion that so many of us judge a sexual experience by, note, not necessarily a pleasure experience.

The question that carries so much expectation, so much weight, often such heaviness for such a beautiful experience.

Did you come?

Was it big, was it bigger than, better than…

So often we know that the question’s coming before we’ve even started.

And something inside of us contracts, tightens up, tenses.

And shut us down, switches us off.

And sometimes we don’t want to go any further, we’re done before we’ve even started.

Because somewhere inside of us we know that there’s more, a whole lot more.

And we want it.

We want the pleasure.

We want the energy, the sensation, the feeling.

The Pleasure.

And we want to explore it, dive into it, fully, deeply, without it having to be anything else.

There’s a big thing in this.

It doesn’t have to be anything else, it doesn’t have to go anywhere else.


It’s so delicious just as it is.

It feels so good.

This spot, this movement, nothing else.

It feels so good that we can stay here, right here.

We don’t need to chase, which we so often do with orgasms, endlessly chasing.

As we do with so much in life, because there is better than here. Or so we’ve been told.

And maybe here, right here, this touch, this caress, this feeling, this connection, is just so good.

It may be gentle, it may be soft, it may be tender, it may be connected, it may be intimate, it may just feel delicious.

For today, tonight, for this moment.

When we have this in our lives a few interesting things happen.

The first is that we actually want to have more, because it’s about pleasure.

The next thing is that we can explore, we can discover, we can see what’s here in the landscape of our bodies, our hearts. What’s here, now, nowhere else.

The next thing is that we can stop judging ourselves by anyone else’s idea of how or sex and pleasure should be. When we let that go we free ourselves to be who we are, now.

Then we can relax. I talk about this a lot lately, and I don’t think we often get how important it is, to relax. Especially in and into pleasure. We have so much tension, around sex, around performance, around making our partners happy, about achievement, about our bodies etc.

Relaxing, when we can soften, we can release.

And we can feel, FEEL.

Then, and I love this, it’s so important.

Because Conscious Sexuality isn’t about our sexuality and pleasure being in a vacuum, it’s connected to all of who we are, and all of life.

Conscious Pleasure, Conscious Life.

Conscious Life, Conscious Pleasure.

What we experience in one place we can experience in others.

When we can stop chasing orgasms we can stop chasing whatever we do in life.

We can relax, feel, experience, enjoy.

And oh, can we enjoy, because it becomes about pleasure.

Limitless pleasure.

Limitless possibility.

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