January 19, 2022

“You Need to Know this, my Love”—From your Anxious Lover.

anxious lover

You need to know this, my Love.

I haven’t always been like this,

but life has bred a pestilence in my heart,

a pestilence I can’t seem to shake.

I know there’s always a smile plastered on my face,

a genuine one because of you,

a genuine happiness you planted,

a genuine excitement about a life I’m going to have with you.

But this doesn’t mean I don’t cry myself to sleep sometimes.

This doesn’t mean I don’t worry about the most insignificant details around me.

This doesn’t mean my mind isn’t a terrifying place to be at, sometimes.

This doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you,

about your well-being,

your future,

our future,

about life going further against us as it has done since the day I met you.

And despite all of that,

despite the hidden tears,

despite the lack of sleep,

despite my running mind,

I can still feel a sort of peace I only got to know when I met you,

a peace that engulfs me when anxiety takes over,

a peace that is capable of hauling me out of the pit of my attacks,

a peace that makes life beautiful and exciting.

I don’t want you to worry about me.

I have learned to tame my demons when it’s hard to get rid of them.

And my healing is near. I can feel it.

Can you feel it?

I hope you do.

And I hope you know how beautiful and powerful you are.

I am not afraid of being vulnerable with you because I know you cherish it,

and I know you are vulnerable too.

So, let’s bask in our imperfections and hold hands as we heal together.

Life cannot bring us down.

It didn’t before and won’t do it now.

My anxiety still takes over sometimes—

less frequently than before,

but it’s not my master anymore.

You need to know this, my love:

we are powerful by ourselves,

but together, we can take over the world.

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