Can you look at something without your voice commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?
I always come back to these words. I came into this social media world so naive. When I first started posting, I was confused because of the double meanings things had. In life, they would mean one thing, but online, that meaning could be completely different (and not always in a kind way).
When I wore a bikini at the beach, I was considered family-friendly, but when I wore a bikini on social media, I was labelled as “porn.” I still remember when I shared my first nude art piece. I was actually in Saudi Arabia where I was living at the time.
I had just attempted on my life and was struggling with the realities of being me. When I shared it, I was thinking how brave I was to finally own my humanness and be in a space in the world where women’s rights were still evolving—as was I.
However, the comments only left me feeling confused by the haters, mixed messages of the world, and social media. This healing felt so liberated, yet the world didn’t see it that way. I lost my cold body that gave life to my daughter and helped me create this life and that was so shamed by strangers who had never walked into my life.
Later, as I was writing my journey in my book, I shared this:
My Naked Truth Statement
I’m a yoga teacher, personal trainer, author, and well-being consultant.
I taught myself pole dancing and yoga.
I have experienced abuse, been raped,
and tried to commit suicide.
I lost a baby.
I have a beautiful daughter.
I worked as a top executive assistant.
I post regular photos and videos of myself online, with commentaries on life, love, and yoga.
I view my body as a gift and don’t feel
that clothes should define us.
My images, with or without clothes, are about art and freedom.
My heart hurts from all the judgement in the world.
I wish I could fix it so my daughter didn’t have to experience this hatred.
It’s hard being misunderstood in my yoga and fitness. The judgement can be overwhelming, but all I can do is show my journey and let others share theirs. I used to be terrified of being my true self—honest and vulnerable. But I’d rather be judged for my truth than for something “perfect” that’s not who I really am. And this is just part of my story. ~ Extract from my book published in January 2020
Writing my book made me see haters and others. But they can’t see me because they can’t see themselves through their own pain (it’s the same thing I have also struggled with). They can’t see that I have been raped, lost a child, and have been physically and emotionally abused through these squares. They can’t see my family, my heart, and my soul. They can’t see all the moments when I help others.
They can’t see me.
When I wrote my book, it shook me up to relive all the details of my life and see how many pieces were still fractured. However, when my book came out, those fractures saw the light because I was seen for the first time by owning my story, not the pain or judgment.
Every day, my heart hurts from all the judgement in the world. My one reason to write and share is I want to try and heal this world further so my daughter doesn’t have to experience all this hatred.
It’s hard being misunderstood in my writing, life, yoga, and fitness. The judgement can be overwhelming, but all I can do is show my journey and let others share theirs. I used to be terrified of being my true self—honest and vulnerable. But I’d rather be judged for my truth than for something “perfect” that’s not who I really am. And this is just part of my story.
I have come to realize that much of our healing doesn’t come from books, knowledge, or someone saving us or being our hero. No matter how many people love us or how much knowledge we have, until we are able to accept what happens in our life, we cannot utilise anything to rebuild and regain life. I say “rebuild and regain life” because our life before will never be like our life after.
We must rebuild from what we have—from our shattered experiences—and regain life from all that is around us, by reconnecting to what is here and now. I have learnt that letting go and forgiving life and others doesn’t mean to disregard or gloss over painful or traumatic experiences, but instead, to recall them with acceptance and place them into a storyline of personal evolution.