How are you?
I’m sorry for not being in touch for a while. I don’t really have an excuse and I don’t think any half arsed one would matter anyway, so I’ll be honest – I think I’ve not been in touch because it felt like You’re not making enough effort Yourself and as childish as it sounds, I just stubbornly refused to be the first one to reach out.
But guess what?! You won. You wore me out.
I don’t mean this in a negative way, it’s kind of a compliment on Your patience. It is usually our job to come back to You anyway and I’ll be honest again, I got tired of my own stubbornness.
Before I continue, quick check – I can swear in front of You right? You’re not as prude as they make You to be, yes? Well, what’s little swearing between old friends anyway.
You know, I don’t really remember when it all started but it seems I’ve been fucking up things for a good few years. Yes, I had some small successes and moments of joy and fulfilment, but my overall rating of my life for past decade would be 4 out of 10. And that’s probably a bit of a push still. Fuck that!
I think I had enough.
I can’t say my awakening was as dramatic as the one shared in the Prodigal Son parable, but it shares many similarities.
Though let me clear this up now, I am not coming back so You can give me my share of Your riches, even though that would be nice of course, but I am beginning to realise that maybe it isn’t about what You can give me should I really come back. Maybe it’s about what can I give back to You. I think I just want to be near You.
I’ve not been to many places. You can see me walking pretty much same journey every day and quite frankly, I’m too lazy to bother to travel too far, but I also recognise that maybe I won’t find a better place than presence in Your grace.
I am still not sure what I’ll actually be doing there, should I ever be able to get there, You know, with all my sins, shortcomings and mistakes.
I also stopped believing in what we call heaven. I’ve heard so many different opinions on what it actually is, some even say it’s not different to Earth, it’s like New Earth and again, nothing against Your creation, but I personally don’t really enjoy being trapped in this bag of skin. In my opinion, pretty poor effort for someone with infinite capacity and most brilliant mind ever was, is and will be. I know I might just not be capable of actually recognising this as the most efficient design, so I leave myself a benefit of doubt here, as there’s a small chance this indeed is the best there was, but honestly, I can’t see it, sorry.
But I’ll say this too – I was actually quite impressed with some of the creation I met on my journey and, yes, there’s beauty in it, but that doesn’t take away that strange feeling that all of it could have been achieved without getting our souls stuck in these fragile bodies as if they were some refurbished mech suits in order to give us ability to create and participate in Your process of shaping the Earth and Universe. And it’s not like we’ve done a great job doing that anyway. If you aren’t looking at the state of things on Earth right now and weeping I might think You’re not the One I’m looking for.
But as I said, it’s OK! I’m not complaining. Just would love to know exactly how did You come up with this idea since there must have been like thousands of other options and it’s not like You’ve been limited by resources or power. You know, being omnipotent and stuff. Either way, no hard feelings, I am grateful for being here. It kind of sucks, but hey, this too shall pass.
I’m not doing great for someone that wants to come back to You am I? I kind of feel ashamed of my cockiness and overly familiar tone of my letter, but I am a bit too scared to be totally honest how badly I need You right now.
I’m not sure if it’s pride, or knowing I let You down and I don’t know how to fix it, or something else. The truth is, despite quite a few of my friends claiming You talk to them, I can only say, the best I ever had was thinking I know what You might say to me based on stories I heard about You, but that wasn’t any different to what I heard in my head as a result of simply experiencing some strong emotions. I didn’t want an illusion of You, I wanted You, real You.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disputing Your existence, if I did, I wouldn’t bother to write You a letter, but at the same time, people who claim they know You are puzzling me. Sometimes I think they just have an image, or vision of You in their mind, which I do too, but I could never say to anyone that You spoke to me. And perhaps I’m just jealous of their experience if it indeed is real.
I’ve also left all the institutions that talk about You as I got confused which actually is the right one, but I actually didn’t go on any journey on my own to find You, which maybe means that I didn’t think I need You. Well, I was wrong. I need You.
Obviously I have no idea if and how You will reply to this letter, but it’s a start.
Oh, I actually been to church today and it was nice. It didn’t feel much more special to any previous visits. I also experienced the same strange feeling of not knowing what I’m actually doing there as my thoughts were running through my head in strange chaotic trajectories and You probably know how ridiculous some of them were. Sorry.
The problem with going to church is the same I had with meditation. Never in my life I had so many ridiculous thoughts as during an activity that I hoped will clear my mind. I didn’t dare to meditate again. But I’d like to go to church again. As long as You can forgive me for having totally inappropriate thoughts. It always puzzled me how the fuck I keep getting them there. Maybe I naively thought that there’s some magical shield around places of Your worship where we can escape from our nagging thoughts, but I guess there’s no shield of that kind. Which is a shame. I’d be going more often.
I’ve gotta go.
Funnily, I felt pretty good writing this and my thoughts were mostly okay. Maybe I should be writing to You more often.
I’ll see if and when You’ll reply, and also how, but it was nice getting this off my chest. I’m sorry for being away for so long.
I’ll look forward to hearing from You.
PS: Maybe You like this song.