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Whether we realize it or not, almost every single thing we do in our lives is driven by one thing: our subconscious desire to feel safe, to belong, to feel connected.
Hence our greatest fears are that of rejection and abandonment.
This can be explained further by looking at programming that has been passed down from generation to generation. During our hunter-gatherer days, being “rejected or abandoned” by the tribe meant certain death. So, as you can imagine, we have this subconscious programming that drives our behaviors in a way that we try to avoid rejection and abandonment at all costs. We still have this programming now, even though we are living in completely different times.
Additionally, the fact that we are so dependent on our caregivers as babies reinforces this fear of abandonment that every single human being has (again in this case abandonment means death). No matter the amount of inner work that has been done, the fear of abandonment (and loneliness) hits home as again, it is subconsciously associated with death and has been deeply ingrained in our psyche since childhood.
So, what do we do to avoid abandonment? We pretend to be someone we are not, we people please and avoid setting boundaries, we don’t stand up for ourselves and prefer to bite our tongue instead of creating conflict, we avoid or sabotage relationships, we engage in perfectionistic tendencies or procrastinate, we settle for unhealthy relationships, and more. I can go on and on.
But in a nutshell, our fear of abandonment is the root cause of our relational challenges and the reason we often feel stuck in life, as it causes us to be inauthentic, live according to other people’s ideas and expectations, avoid deep intimacy and vulnerability in our relationships, and causes us to distrust others and the flow of life.
While in fact what we all desire are deeply connected relationships, authentic love, and the freedom to be fully ourselves. Even the longest study on happiness identified that the main determining factor of longevity, well-being, and happiness in life is the quality and depth of our relationships.
Do you see the irony and the vicious cycle? We fear abandonment, so we wear masks and build a wall around our hearts…yet this “armoring up” is precisely what gets in the way of us having the deep sense of connection and belonging that we desire.
Opening our hearts.
I have spent over six years studying this topic and through my academic research as well as personal and spiritual pursuits, I have found one thing to be true:
When we are living in fear then we are closing our hearts and blocking love.
Fear is a product of the ego (mind) and its antidote is love (heart). So I dare make the grand statement that everything you are looking for—the love, the abundance, the flow, the relationships—is on the other side of fear. Meaning: in your capacity to have an open heart.
So how can we start to break down the walls that we have built around our hearts and open more to love and life?
>> By looking at our abandonment wounds and healing our inner child
>> Cultivating a strong sense of self-worth and viewing “rejection as redirection”
>> Rewiring our blueprint of love and learning that, in fact, love is safe
>> Reconnecting with our authentic selves, our values, and our deepest desires
>> Healing our trust wounds and learning to trust others
>> Cultivating resilience, trusting our discernment and our capability to navigate pain
>> By releasing fear, shame, anger, pain, and grief from our hearts
So, what starts to happen when we soften and open our hearts?
We muster the courage to be our authentic selves, we experience flow states and alignment because we are open to universal energy and guidance, we experience deep intimacy and connected relationships, and we feel calmer, freer, and at peace.
At the end of the day, it’s love vs. fear.
Many would say “the choice is yours.” I would say: choice comes from awareness and the willingness to look at your shadows and not be a slave any longer to your conditioning that is keeping you small. Choice comes from the willingness to start healing your abandonment wounds and say yes to love and life.
Are you ready to say yes?
Tell me, where do you notice that your heart is closed? Where is fear getting in the way? I will personally give you some tips!