I think the biggest downfall of social media (there are many) is that our society puts so much emphasis on outward appearances.
Now of course I know that humans are visual creatures. We take in the world and create our reality (mainly) through what we see. Humans care about beauty and how things look, and I don’t think that will change.
But unfortunately, we have gotten so obsessed with physical appearances that we outright ignore the deeper, more important aspects of another person.
Social media has created a toxic culture of seemingly perfect snapshots of someone’s life. We as social media users then judge our own lives and end up feeling less than others and that we are flawed in some way.
This isn’t meant to be an article bashing social media; that will have to be for another day. However, where this emphasis on looks most comes into play is in the dating world. Pair that with the unrealistic expectations of social media and we have a generation of lonely people who think love will never happen for them.
I too used to be that person who cared a lot about how I looked. I avoided dating and relationships for years because I thought I had to lose 20 pounds or have perfectly clear skin before someone would want to be with me.
This emphasis on looks also led me to choose men to date solely based on how they looked. I cared way too much about what other people thought of me, so of course I had to be with someone who looked good on the outside.
But all that did was put me in an unfulfilling dating experience because no real connections were being formed.
I learned that you can’t form a deep, meaningful partnership based on looks alone. I ended up feeling lonelier than ever.
When I decided to take a break from the dating world and focus on my inner self, everything changed. I first discovered that I had so much more to offer in a relationship than how I looked. I didn’t need to lose 20 pounds to find love; I needed to show the world the real me.
I started to dig deeper and ask myself what I was even looking for in a relationship. If I wasn’t placing so much emphasis on looks, then what truly mattered to me? These questions took me on a life-changing journey that led me to meet my soul mate. I can’t put into words what our connections mean to me and our life together. It’s my life’s greatest gift.
When I look back on those first couple of months of our relationship, I realized that we built an amazing connection based on deep attraction. An attraction that stemmed from shared values and life goals. Of course, we are physically attracted to each other, but that’s just an added bonus to the soul mate connection we have.
It’s now my mission to help people find love through committed partnerships and make the world a better place for everyone. We need more love than ever before. And when you build a connection that’s deeper than the physical, your life will change in ways you cannot yet imagine.
Here are seven ways to build genuine attraction with another human. Focus on one or all and watch your relationship blossom. Love is out there for you if you’re willing to go deep.
Seven ways to build genuine attraction with another human:
1. Get vulnerable.
Too many people are so focused on looking perfect that they often forget we are all human. We all make mistakes and have insecurities; those come with the territory of being a human being. Once we can accept that we aren’t perfect, we let other people be their true selves, too.
Practice being more vulnerable on dates and in a relationship. Share what’s really on your mind and ask for what you’re needing. Be your weird, quirky self for all to see. Vulnerability really is the secret to a deep connection.
Vulnerability is what will build long-lasting attraction that stays even after looks fade.
2. Share new experiences.
Instead of meeting someone at a bar for a date, try something new that will create a fun memory. Comedy clubs, mini golf, live music, and painting class, are all fun date ideas that will be sure to get you both talking.
When you can create a new memory with someone, you will automatically create a bond and build attraction between you. Laughing together is one of the best ways to break the ice and let your guard down.
Take the pressure off of looking perfect and acting perfect and let your hair down instead.
3. Gain clarity of your values.
The first step I take with clients is to help them get clear on their values. What are they looking for in a partner that is not tied to looks, salary, or social status? Values like kindness, adventure, open-mindedness, and honesty usually top the list.
Before you go on your next date, list your top 10 desired traits that are not surface-level. List out why each is important to you as this will solidify your reasons. Then go back and circle your top three; these will be your guiding light as you get to know someone.
When you share values and similar life goals with someone else, the attraction will have no choice but to show up.
4. Cultivate safety.
In order to really feel attracted to someone, you need to feel safe with them. Safe to be vulnerable and speak your mind. Safe to express when you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsure.
The most effective way to do this is by setting and expressing clear boundaries. This ties closely to the tip above about deciding on your values. Decide the type of person you want to pursue a relationship with on the soul level; who are they once all the material stuff is gone?
5. Ditch the alcohol.
Let’s be real, getting drunk is not an effective way to really get to know someone. Sure it’s fun and you feel more confident, but more times than not you wake up regretting the night before. I used to use alcohol as a way to let my guard down on dates; it backfired every time.
Alcohol will only prohibit both you and the other person from being who you really are. I am not saying you have to only go on dates sober, but I would caution against making alcohol the focal point of all your interactions.
Try any of the date ideas from tip number 2 and have fun in a way that won’t leave you hungover and regretting what you may have said.
6. Accept that looks will change.
Looks fade, but souls do not. If you’re only with someone for how they look, what happens when the initial attraction fizzles out? Relationships that are not built on a soul level usually die out within six months to a year. Don’t let that be your story.
I remember once hearing that looks should be the least interesting thing about you. I couldn’t agree more. Of course, you want to take pride in how you look and present yourself to the world; just know that you, and your date, have so much more to offer.
Get to know someone for who they are on the inside and I promise you will feel that spark long after the honeymoon phase.
7. Build a foundation of friendship.
I know that one of the reasons why my husband and I have a soul mate connection is because we built a foundation of friendship in those first couple of months of dating. We really got to know each other and became best friends. We were both honest that we were looking for a romantic relationship, but we didn’t rush anything.
We come from different backgrounds and cultures, so we had a lot to learn about the other person. I will never forget those early days of staying up until 3 a.m. just talking and sharing our dreams for the future.
Our first date wasn’t love at first sight or immediate fireworks, but we both knew there was something worth pursuing. By spending time following all the tips mentioned in this article, we built a connection that changed our lives forever. Even after five years together, every day still feels like magic.
I promise you that love is out there for you. Deep, meaningful, and long-lasting love is waiting for you. All you need to do is believe it’s possible and be willing to try a new way of getting to know someone.
You just may find the love of your life in the process.