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April 25, 2023

My Transformational Chiron Return

March was not only a very significant month for the collective, but it was especially significant for me personally. Our planet shifted into a new era with Saturn entering Pisces on the 7th and then Pluto entering Aquarius on the 23rd.  In the middle of these two powerful transits, Jupiter conjunct Chiron in Aries. This alignment not only happened to fall on my birthday, but it was conjunct my own natal Chiron in Aries. And to make this alignment even more auspicious, it occurred just when I was completing my Chiron return. I feel as though I ended a transformative year and shifted into a new place in my life. Most of us are familiar with Saturn return, but Chiron return is just not as well-know. Although not as popular as our sun, moon or rising sign, our Chiron placement in our natal charts is very significant. In Greek mythology, Chiron was the son of Cronos (Saturn) and a nymph, Philyra. He was born half-man and half-horse. Because his mother was so disgusted by his appearance, she abandoned him at birth. However, he overcame his wounds and transformed into a great healer. Referred to as the wounded healer, Chiron is the symbol of the key in our natal charts because it is the key in how we overcome our core wounds, which is of utmost importance for our spiritual development.

Chiron is an asteroid that is located between Saturn and Uranus. The planets leading up to Saturn, signify our human nature, and the outer planets, after Saturn, signify our divine nature. Chiron is the “key” in how we reconcile our human nature. Because we are all here to fulfill our human potential, which is not necessarily an easy task, Chiron teaches us how to become authentic by integrating the responsibilities and wisdom of Saturn with the freedom and innovation of Uranus. Through our work with Chiron, we can learn a lot about ourselves and achieve self-actualization by integrating the lessons we have learned from the challenges we have faced in our life. When we accept the wounded parts of ourselves, the shadow parts and the parts we hid from others, we can allow all of who we are to be seen and accepted; understanding that we are perfectly imperfect beings with strengths and weaknesses. As humans, we have two Chiron wounds that we must rectify on spiritual journey. The wound of rejection and the wound of living an unfulfilled life. Chiron moves through the whole zodiac wheel and will return to the exact location found in our natal chart around age 50, which is called the Chiron return. This Chiron return works on the spiritual level as the culmination of what Chiron has been teaching us on our life’s journey. During this “mid-life crisis,” we revise old wounds that we haven’t fully healed in order to releasing our emotional baggage, heal wounds that have held us back and work through blocks to transform into who we were always meant to be.

To provide a better understanding of our personal Chiron wound and our Chiron return, it is important to look at the sign and house placement of Chiron. Chiron spends most of its time in Aries, which is the wound of identity. Therefore, most of us have our Chiron in Aries, but it does travel through the other signs. The house in which your Chiron is placed signifies the aspect of your life where this wound will materialize. For example, my Chiron is placed in the 11th house, which signifies the collective, idealism and hope. My sun, which is in Pisces, is also placed in the 11th house, which also makes this house significant. I also have many planets in Aquarius (the 11th house), including my North Node (my life path), moon and MC. Having a north node in Aquarius, as well as these other placements, indicate that my life’s purpose is to assist humanity to shift into the Age of Aquarius. Additionally, I have several placements in the 12th house, including my Venus, Mars and Saturn, which is the house of the subconscious, spiritualty and endings, which reflects endings of karmic patterns including relationships. Going through my Chiron return, I would encounter all of these themes to aid in further healing my wound of rejection and unfulfilled life purpose, which definitely occurred.

Although I know about astrology and utilize it in my writing to provide a platform to explain our collective journey, I by no means am an astrologist and am learning new aspects of it all the time. In fact, I did not even know that I was going through my Chiron Return until I was about half way into it. Leading up to my 50th birthday, I began feeling so incredibly lost, which was likely the subconscious nudge from Chiron. I was very confused as to where I was heading with my career and my life’s purpose. In 2020, I began to realize that working as a psychologist was no longer my passion and that I wanted to pursue my writing and embark on becoming a thought leader for this new age. I self-published my second book, started writing articles, blogging, etc. but was not having much financial success and by 2022 became very discouraged. At the beginning of last year, I was also dating someone that I knew was not “the one” as a means of distracting myself from all of this. When I woke up on my 50th birthday, I felt so incredibly depressed. I knew that it was not about turning 50, but because I was not being in 100% integrity with myself. The next day, I broke up with “not the one” and began writing once again. In mid-April, I fully recommitted to my writing and outreach after a profound experienced I had during the once in a lifetime alignment of Jupiter and Neptune in Pisces. I then finally made the decision to fully transition to writing full time within the next two years. I was so incredibly inspired and writing more than ever!

Soon after, we entered eclipse season, which included three periods of mercury retrogrades in May, September and January, which served to trigger the Chiron wounds I still needed to revisit and heal. During the first retrograde, I ended a very short, but intense dating experience with a highly narcissistic man. Although I did not see it initially, I came to realize that he was an amalgamation of both my parents. In the beginning, he was loving, warm and sweet, just like my father. And then, he shut off his affection and become quite cold. This triggered my childhood scars of abandonment and rejection; trauma that I sustained from my narcissistic mother. It was so incredibly confusing because he would vacillate between these two extremes. Within a very short time, he began acting entitled, rigid and controlling. His condescending tone would be like finger nails on a chalk board and I would just get enraged. To my surprise, I would lose my temper, which was not at all like me. After I worked through the confusion of the situation, I ended it. I then experienced a dizzying week of subconscious beliefs that were swirling around in my head; so many of them I could not even keep track. Beliefs and programs that I thought I had cleared a long time ago, just kept popping up to the surface for clearing, which apparently still held some resonance which may explain why this pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men continued. I realized that I still have some subconscious desire to get love and approval from my emotionally unavailable mother.  Although I was uncomfortable with my displays of anger, I came to realize that it may have been healthy and somewhat therapeutic to finally confront “my mother.” It was also important to work through my fears of narcissistic authority figures because this too was keeping me from putting myself out there with my writing, as well as perpetuating unhealthy people pleasing behaviors. Furthermore, I realized I was still working on healing these deep wounds of rejection.

I recovered from this tumultuous situation and was feeling like myself again. However, during September’s retrograde, I began feeling very down. I was questioning and judging everything about my life and feeling so incredibly inadequate. I had lost my inspiration to write or really do anything and the world appeared quite bleak. I was plagued with such distressing thoughts and feelings. It felt as though my shadow was screaming at me. I was beating myself up for not being able to manifest a few things in my life that I have been working on for such a long time. I was also questioning my decision to pursue writing. This transitionary place I was in was triggering a lot of insecurities. Before 2020, I would have considered myself pretty successful. I had a lucrative profession that was meaningful and fulfilling and I had my life planned out. I was going to continue working as a psychologist until I retired, if I ever decided to retire, and write a few books, but that plan just was not feeling right anymore. Essentially, I was feeling like I was starting over and was giving it up a “successful” career to pursue something that was not yet generating any income. I realized that there was a part of me that was attached to what most people deem to be successful, including my family. However, when I think about the concept of success, I never think of it in terms of financial success. Again, I had to work through some beliefs that were not even mine that were getting in my way. Thankfully, all of that began to clear around late October when we experienced the final eclipse of the year and by the 11/11 portal I was back on track!

However, there was one more retrograde I had to go experience. And once again, I was confronted with triggers from my childhood. My mother, due to her own traumatic childhood, was an emotionally unstable woman. Throughout my childhood, I would oftentimes hear that she hated her life, regretted that she ever had me and was either going to kill herself or leave. Because of this trauma, I created and internalized various belief systems that have repeatedly replayed in my life such as feeling overly responsible for others, difficulty setting boundaries, as well as feeling as though I was victim of these experiences. And once again, I attracted another situation into my life where I was feeling as though I was trapped in a situation I just did not want to be in. During this time, I was not speaking my truth, feeling overburdened, angry and resentful. It was very annoying because this was not the first time this situation has come up in my life for examination. I thought I had worked on this several times and cleared in. However, in addition to the many triggers from my own childhood, another thread came up, the ancestral one. My mother also felt overwhelmed and overburdened. She too had an unstable and explosive parent. Additionally, because she was the oldest, she had the responsibility of taking care of her siblings. I realized that all of this was resurfacing, not only to clear my own childhood trauma, but to clear the entire lineage. As I analyzed which part of this had I not worked on yet, the big lesson and release from all of this was letting go of this victimization that the little girl inside of me felt. There was obviously still a piece of me that was holding onto some anger, resentment and sadness about my childhood experience. I also realized that some of my childhood experiences have prevented me from truly becoming who I was meant to be. Although I am a go-getter, something has always held me back from stepping into my true power, which was likely due to my childhood experiences. Hopefully, I have once and for all resolved that.

During my Chiron return, I devoted a considerable amount of time writing my story, something I had been contemplating for years, which I believe was also very therapeutic. I am now on the other side of this transformational year and I am wrapping up this article on the new moon In Aries; the start of eclipse season. I am excited about this next powerful six month cycle. Although I feel as though I am still processing and integrating all the wisdom I have learned from my Chiron return, I am very excited to share more of my stories and continue assisting others shift into this new age through my writing and podcasts!

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