{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}

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*Author’s Note: As always, I remind readers that this does not reflect all men, women, and families. But it reflects enough.

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“To those accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.” ~ Unknown

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It’s really all a bit antiquated isn’t it?

Archaic in its essence. A glimpse back to a time when the men went out to work and the women folk were tucked away at home, doing all the “homely” duties. Ensuring the house was pristine. Raising the children. Cooking the meals. Running the home.

And, of course, ensuring the children were well behaved, clean, and quiet by the time the man was due to arrive home. Whilst prettying herself up, smiling, and fussing over the man, bringing up nothing but joy, peace, and nurturing adoration the moment he walked through the door. And being prepared to give herself to him, whenever he wanted.

This is the picture so many refer to when they blame feminism and autonomy for women as the downfall of the family. They speak of this time that has been masterfully recreated into being the picture perfect. A time when everyone was happy and the only way to be happy was to follow the pack. To sit inside the neat little box that has been specifically designed to keep the status quo.

But here’s the thing: it was rarely the true story. There were so many unhappy people in unhealthy, even dangerous, relationships. It’s a story that has been painted by people wearing rose-coloured glasses. People with their own needs and desires front and centre. It was never created as a fair and equitable system for both men and women.

The system is a relic. It’s no longer of use. It no longer benefits women because women have more freedom now and don’t have to stay in toxic environments, giving to everyone but themselves. It was a broken system that worked when we didn’t know any better, and like everything with life, we change, we grow, we evolve. Well some of us do, and there lies the problem: some refuse to change, do the work, and grow but expect others to tolerate their poor behaviour. And when that poor behaviour is not tolerated, the blame game starts.

For a long time, male privilege has allowed far more freedoms to men. Their contribution to relationships and family was that of a provider. In these modern times, with the cost of living, most households have both partners working. Grown adults, men and women, working and providing for themselves and their families.

The other contribution bandied around men is that of protector. Back in cave man days, I guess this was relevant. These days, not so much, as who are they protecting us women from exactly? Other men? Of course most men are physically stronger, but I question the validity of protection. As a mother and grandmother, I have protected my kids all their lives. I have dealt with the school when there’s bullying. I have held them when they’ve been brokenhearted. I’d throw myself in front of a predator to save them, absolutely no question, as would their father I’m sure. My point is like with providing, we both protect.

So with women providing, protecting, nurturing, organising, running households, and raising kids, whilst also working, running businesses, and even heading up boardrooms, we have a real change in the status quo. We have a real imbalance, with some so tightly hanging onto “the good old days” when men were in the boardroom and women were in the kitchen. A time they could control, because one half of the equation—women—had so few choices.

Let’s reflect on those “good old days.” The days when apparently a woman’s whole happiness and fulfilment revolved around housework, cooking, being submissive, quietening her own voice and needs, meeting the needs of any children and all the needs of her husband. The days when men were so exhausted from their 9-5 day that their every whim should be catered to upon arrival home. Where his children were expected to be quiet, his meal ready, and his wife giving him whatever he desires.

Now, I’m sure many love to reflect on the iconic sitcoms, “Leave it to Beaver,” “The Brady Bunch,” and “I Love Lucy” as a time that was simpler and everyone was happier, but having recently rewatched a few of these episodes, the misogyny and control slaps you straight in the face. We didn’t know any better, but now we do.

Here’s the thing: we were conditioned to believe this is how it should be. This is how the world should work. This is what a good relationship and parenting looks like. This is how a man should be and a woman should behave. We were conditioned to believe the needs of men outweigh the needs of women. We were conditioned to believe the only way to be a good mother was to dismiss our own needs, forego our own thoughts, and strap ourselves to the kitchen bench so men could not only run the boardroom but run the world, whilst simultaneously dictating how women should live to please them.

Let’s get really honest. Abuse was huge in many households, not just physical but emotional abuse. Coercive control. Neglect. The main difference between then and now is the freedom of women to be able to escape these situations. To remove themselves and their children from the trauma of living with someone who cannot emotionally regulate or has the audacity to think women are beneath them. Of course, it wasn’t seen as abuse back then—it was normalised.

Physically hurting our children was normalised. Raising our sons and daughters differently was normalised. Sex without consent in marriage was normalised. Staying in toxic and abusive relationships was not only normalised, it was expected, and it was ensured that most women had no way of escaping.

Is this really the time in history we long for? The relationships we see as optimal? The family dynamic we see as the healthiest and most wholesome?

The gap between the fairy-tale view of history and the reality is vast, and the shocking desire for some to take us back there reeks in a desperate attempt to strengthen the patriarchy. A desperate need to reassemble the status quo in a way that takes back the freedoms and empowerment of women instead of acknowledging the world has changed and one may need to actually garner some self-awareness, do some inner work, and adapt.

Many women were terribly unhappy. Men may not have been completely happy either, but they were comfortable. They had control. They had their needs met. And the children? Well let’s dismantle the picture perfect story so many have been telling themselves.

The children of this era were mostly the younger boomers, gen x, and the older millennials. All have trauma to unpack (even if you don’t think you do, I’ll guarantee you do; you’ve simply chosen to bury it).

Some of us have spent a good portion of our adult lives trying to break patterns and reparent ourselves. Women have spent years trying to break free from the “I’m not enough” story they tell themselves. We’ve realised people pleasing isn’t healthy. Some of our belief systems are so f*cked up, we actually think it’s okay to whack our kids, because you know, it teaches them to respect us, and back in the day I got belted and it didn’t hurt me! Didn’t it? You are now an adult who feels it’s perfectly normal and okay to disrespect, intimidate, belittle, frighten, and physically hurt a child to teach them a lesson or respect, all because you haven’t learnt the skills to actually regulate your own emotions. There’s nothing more f*cked up then believing hitting a child teaches them anything but fear and trauma. Unhealthy and toxic patterns can never be broken in those who choose ignorance.

Some of us have been fighting to feel seen, heard, and validated. Some have taught their sons that they are better and more entitled than girls, and some have taught their daughters that they are weak, less then, and beneath boys. And we wonder why the world is a mess. Imagine not loving your daughter enough to teach her self-belief and self-worth. Imagine not loving your son enough to teach him humility, respect of women, and equality.

The era that so many regale and reflect upon as “the good old days” has created decades of generational trauma, and people do not even realise it. The era of women belonging only in the kitchen and men in the boardrooms and workplaces has created such a divide between men and women, we are now seeing that play out in epic proportions.

Feminism is blamed because it’s apparently taken women out of the kitchen, but it’s also given them a choice to stay in the kitchen if they choose, and it’s asked that men offer more than going to work. That a man’s role is more than providing and protecting. Feminism is blamed for the male loneliness epidemic. Feminism is blamed because some people can never accept responsibility for their own behaviour and actions.

The patriarchy hates feminism because the patriarchy itself is only about choice for men and it has damaged generations of men teaching them they are privileged and superior—but feminism has said: enough. Women are human beings also with their own needs, wants, and desires. Women deserve to also be fulfilled, and their fulfilment comes from their ability to choose what is right for them, not what men think is right.

And for those men who cannot change, evolve, grow, and see women as autonomous human beings with equal value, they are finding themselves in a space of anger, bitterness, and resentment, blaming women for their inability to step up. They are feeling less fulfilled because their fulfilment previously came from the privilege of being a man and now they actually have to do more than exist.

So let’s stop romanticising and fantasising about a time that has caused more harm than good. A time where, yes, many families stayed together to the detriment of women and children. A time where women were chained in places they did not necessarily want to be in. A time that decades later, we are still trying to wade through the aftermath and heal.

Yes, like every era, there were some success stories, but let’s not assume a family forced to stay together at any cost was a success. Let’s not assume that because previous generations are viewed as stronger or more resilient that they were actually emotionally healthy—because the truth is many turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms, that they are still living with.

Being a more evolved society means: those of us who have accepted change is critical to our survival; we actually talk about issues now instead of burying them. We actually seek help instead of projecting our issues. We actually understand vulnerability is bloody courageous.

The only people who want to see women in kitchens and men in boardrooms are those who refuse to acknowledge their own toxicity and open themselves to a more evolved world. Times are tough; they absolutely are. The world is a little crazy; it sure is. The family dynamic is different, in so many ways. Women have choices, and men get to acknowledge, appreciate, and respect our ability to choose, living in a cohesive and caring society, or they fight it because they fear they actually need to do better and be better. But let’s not think the answer is to drag us back to a time that many are still trying to recover from. Let’s not constantly blame others without recognising our own sh*t.

Let’s not only accept change but embrace it.

Men aren’t the only ones who can contribute in the boardroom. And women aren’t the only ones who can contribute in the kitchen. Men aren’t the only ones providing, nor are they the only ones protecting. So let’s stop pretending it’s still 1950. That train left the station 74 years ago, and it ain’t going back, no matter how some may try to reverse it.

The sooner we move forward, rather than looking back, the sooner we adapt to the present and plan for the future, rather than angrily trying to recapture the past.

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