View this post on Instagram

 

Most of us avoid being judgmental.

I know I do, but I still catch myself judging people automatically.

I remind myself that it’s natural—that my mind’s sole purpose is to evaluate people and situations to keep me safe and aware.

To be honest, I tend to be more judgmental with my loved ones than with random people. When they don’t live up to my expectations, I judge their words and actions. However, I feel deeply hurt if they judge me. I explain the why behind my behaviors so they understand their roots.

When others misunderstand me, it reminds me how easy and fast it is to pass judgment. The truth is we form instant judgments about everyone—a rude stranger, someone passing by, or even a loved one who disappoints us.

Those automatic judgments shape the way we see people. They sabotage our relationships and can easily ruin them. There are many factors to consider, but the bottom line is that we judge too much and empathize too little. It’s incredibly difficult for us to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and understand the roots of their attitude or behavior.

Recently, I’ve discovered that the quickest way to stop my judgmental thoughts about someone and replace them with empathetic ones is to imagine their inner child and the conditions that shaped them. We can picture them as little ones and imagine the painful burdens they must have carried. Visualize their childhood home. Maybe it was abusive or manipulative. Their caregivers might have been avoidant, dismissive, or narcissists.

When we “see” the wounded child in a rude stranger, a jealous partner, a narcissistic parent, or a controlling boss, we shift our mindset from what this person is doing to us to what others did to them. Their hurtful actions or reactions come from an extremely painful place, but we just can’t see it. If we shift our perspective to see the past that’s triggering them, the urge to judge them fades away.

This short, powerful exercise takes less than 10 seconds. It de-escalates conflicts and deepens our compassion. It changes our knee-jerk responses and helps us become more patient and understanding. Practicing this makes us more curious—more open. It makes us wonder what drives people’s confusing attitude, looks, or mood.

We spend lots of time trying to decode the behavior of someone. Why did they do that? Why did they say that? What’s the story behind their look? And so on. We’re simply examining the wrong version of them. Examine the inner child, the conditions, and the environment. Examine the whole journey—not just now.

Everyone carries past trauma in their minds and bodies. To be human is to bear this heavy weight and live with it. Our job is to see that weight—to really see what others are carrying. Read the non-verbal cues…because that’s your way to empathy.

~