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All I Really Need is a Good F*ck & Someone to Pick Me Up at the Airport.
I’m single for the first time in 25 years.
I now see that most of the things I wanted from my relationships are actually things I can do for myself. After my divorce two years ago, I panicked at the idea of setting up my own Wi-fi system, cleaning the gutters, and finding help moving furniture.
The truth is that doing these things, or getting help doing them, has been easy.
Even hiring a handyman to fix the occasional faucet leak has been far less expensive than staying in my tragically outworn relationships. Single for the first time since I was seventeen, I suddenly realize that I need just two things from a partner: a slow, deeply connected, open-hearted, rapturous f*ck, and someone to pick me up at the airport.
Of course when my plane arrives I could catch a bus—or even hire a car service if it’s that important to me (and for some reason it is). But in this one case I love to be met by someone who is genuinely ecstatic to see me. It’s really the same thing as the f*ck. I can do it myself, and that’s fine and all. But there is something about “being done”by the apple of your eye that’s, well, different.
Accepting that there are only two things I am missing by being alone takes the pressure off of getting into another relationship. I can make the money that I want, I can set up my own Wi-fi (as it turns out), I can get deeply restorative massages from people who actually want to give them, and I can dine and dance with friends who don’t stand me up 50% of the time. Realizing that I am pretty self-sufficient even softens the blow of losing my last rapturous relationship. In fact, it makes me take another hard look at why I stayed so long through the rollercoaster of ups and downs.
And there were a lot of downs.
Don’t get me wrong; the sex and airport pickups were often so good that every other problem paled in comparison. That was why it was so hard to leave, actually. But now, in the light of day, I realize that missing these two things is surprisingly manageable—and more than worth what I had to give up to get them. In fact, I haven’t lost the love of my life; I am not lonely; and I am certainly not abandoned without resources. Actually, it’s just the opposite. I have gained everything that I lost by being in relationship.
So as I imagine my next rapturous rendezvous, I realize that it could be quite different. It could be free of a lot of baggage—free of being a reference point for my sense of self and security, my fulfillment, and my whole future. I now envision a relationship in which I look deeply into my beloved’s eyes and say sincerely, “Dearest, I adore you, and I don’t need anything from you. Except two things…”
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Want to write?
I will pick you up at the airport anytime.
[...] afternoon at the farmer’s market with Cute Boy than with my Friend Sue. Sue may be funnier, but there’s a chance Cute Boy and I can get it on. Or if that example doesn’t speak to you, a lot of [...]
after reading that I will love my wife evan more!
This is an awesome article. Still has me thinking. Is what I think I want what I really want, or is it something I adopted from this crazy world ?
[...] Researchers conducted a study to determine what effect, if any, oral contraceptives have on female libido. [...]
[...] in our relationship, my last boyfriend confessed that he wasn’t sure whether he could be with me because, frankly, he thought he was [...]
[...] [...]
I think I wrote this article! LOVE it. My thoughts, exactly!
Wow! I loved the article and was really sorry to see that comment it earned you from your ex. The fact that you mentioned that you haven't lost the love of your life is so true…it's what we have inside. It isn't loseable.
So true. And, thank you! (It isn't loseable)
[...] take risks. Don’t love anyone. Don’t speak your mind. Stay in a job you hate. Stay in a relationship that hurts. It’s easier to stay than to go, but it will cost you dearly. Playing it safe has the added [...]
Sounds liberating and interesting. The language doesn’t sound very in line with what I would expect to hear from someone who has studies buddhist psychology though.
It's true, I'm a maverick. I just enjoy the humor of it
so you wrote this almost a year ago, tell me , have you found that person yet? Curious minds want to know!!!! – Alexa M.
Several, actually! Thanks.
if i, a man, wrote this i'd be crucified in the comments.
as a father, i find the fact that you've gained so much support appalling, not because i see anything wrong with you or your experience, but because i feel strongly that people hear you saying these words *differently* than the same ones said by a man, and that this alone fact continues to feed the binary world men and women still live in. the world my daughter will grow up in.
if you were my daughter, or my son, i might say something like: it's time to grow up now. you should have realized that having a blowjob (etc) and control over another human being entirely misses the point of being in relationship. accepting mortality and sharing the moment with someone beats getting a dick stuck in you (or stuck into something) on any day.
maybe you get it, but bracketing the expression in a title and closing sentence like that makes me think not.
Thank you for your comment! What you may not see is that this article, coming from a woman, is actually about letting go of control. I was much more controlling when I wanted "love and commitment" from a man. And, of course, this piece is largely an over-compensating "tongue-in-cheek" look at the reverse of what it is to be a woman (me) obsessed by being in relationship.
In fact, I continue to be deeply connected to my friends and sweethearts. If I were only looking for a "good time" this piece would be meaningless. What makes the point rich is that it is, in fact, written by a woman, one who has devoted 21 some years to her relationship. My problem has actually been the opposite (as is true for many women). We are afraid to lead a life on our own and fear what being alone might mean about our self worth. Being able to set up my Wi-fi and meet my own sexual needs without a partner is something that boys may learn as early as 16 years old, for me it wasn't until I hit 40. I have two daughters myself, so I hear where you are coming from. I think that worrying about young women becoming too focussed with just getting a "blowjob" (ie their own sexual gratifications met) is not our biggest problem. For women, it is often about finding their power and dignity independent of relationship (and thereby being genuinely available for it.) That is why this had to be written by a woman.
I am (very) open to your response! (and thanks)…
As long as you don't end up seducing someone else's significant other to get what you need, I'm okay with that!