Dear Ex-Boyfriend. ~ Rebekah McClaskey

Via on Jul 7, 2012

The title of ex-boyfriend doesn’t quite seem to fit.

It would be like calling the manager of the local Chili’s a CEO. Ex-boyfriend is too prestigious. I have racked my brain to find an appropriate designation for your current place in my life. At first I came up with Dick Bag. But then I realized I like penis and that having a bag of dicks—which I pretty much own due to my vibrator collection—is not a bad thing.

Then I just kept screaming, mother f*cker! About the seventh time it came out of my mouth, I realized I don’t want you anywhere near my family ever again. Feeling guilty for visualizing you doing my mother, I decided to go the sophisticated route. You are clearly emotionally unavailable.

This title immediately doubled back and left me thinking: “Shit, that means I’m emotionally damaged if I dated an emotionally unavailable, dick bag, mother f*cker like you.”  So, in the face of this heart-wrenching, life-altering, whiskey-drinking, deciding-who-gets-the-dog phase, I have decided the best thing to do is deem you a part of my past.

And move forward. I’m just not sure how.

I got off work last night around six and I am so accustomed to driving to your house, I found myself turning into your neighborhood before I realized what I was doing. Okay, that is not totally true. I could have passed the exit that takes me across the overpass, past the high-school, and two left turns later, onto your block.

But, I didn’t.

That stupid song we always used to make fun of came on the radio. Then I remembered you still have, like, ten of my old CDs and you still have my iPod. Okay, that is only partially true. I found my iPod in my car console. Your gym card is still there too. The point is, yes you did see my car drive past your place. Yes, I wanted to get out and knock on your door and ask you all sorts of crazy questions.

Photo: Alton

But, I didn’t.

Instead, I went home, got on Facebook, saw you deleted me as a friend, called one of my friends who is still your Facebook friend and asked her to spy on your page. I ate half a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream while I waited for her to call back.

She said she didn’t see anything. You had added a few friends, but they were all guys. Your profile picture was the same. After I got off of the phone with her, I wanted to call you. I wanted to text you. Okay, I did text you—twice. You never got back to me. A week has gone by. I have driven straight home after work. I’ve started to work out again. I haven’t texted.

But, I still don’t understand how—after all this time together—we ended up here. I’m so frustrated and confused by the stupid fact I still love you. And, by the way, hate you. If I join an online dating service, maybe I will just stop thinking about you.

I went on a date with a guy I met online. He was alright looking, but all I could do was think about you. After the date was over, I went home and deleted my account. It took me a while to fall asleep and in the morning, after a night of dreaming about you, I woke up wondering if we could get back together? Maybe we could be friends again? Maybe we could just have sex?

I miss you.

Shit, it has been over a month and I haven’t heard anything from you. I have heard about you from friends. They mostly say, “He’s busy.”

You know what, I’m busy too! I have a whole career to develop. I’m going to start taking yoga classes, kick-boxing classes and I’m starting a raw food diet. You know what? I’m going to start a blog about how great it is to be single. In fact, I’m glad we broke up. It has given me a chance to discover what really matters to me.

Damn it.

You texted back and said, “My phone has been acting weird and I just got your texts.”

Now what do I do?

Breaking-up is not easy to do. That’s a given. But, it is difficult for many reasons. The first is that every expectation created, the very foundation of your daily life, comes to a maddening, screeching end. Your life-path shifts and in the middle of the marathon, you twist your ankle. Further, all the time you have invested gets bought out by rejection.

Then, hours, upon days, upon years are spent negotiating with rejection. I’m not sure there is such a thing as moving on. Rather, a better deal gets put on the table, or you create a better deal for yourself. You mortgage your life experience for a new trajectory. You drop the transmission in second gear and head through emotionally rough terrain.

Until you invite a new deal into your life, you will be stuck in negotiations. Maybe you have been through several break-ups and you know how to handle yourself until you feel better. Maybe you are going through your first significant separation. Whatever the scenario is, know this: you may be single again but you don’t have to be alone.

~

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Rebekah McClaskey is the creator of Break-up Rehab and the founder of Transform Now Counseling. She graduated with her Master’s in Counseling from Naropa University in the spring of 2011. Rebekah has four years experience in the field of psychology and she specializes in transforming suffering into victory. In other words, she is skilled at assisting you in answering the question, “Now what do I do?” You can learn more about Rebekah and about Break-up Rehab at transformnowcounseling.com. And you can find Rebekah on her FB page, Love Improv.

~

Editor: Lori Lothian

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About Rebekah McClaskey

As an Intuitive Relationship Counselor, I help revolutionize relationships by changing the way break-ups are experienced. I guide my clients in uncovering the wisdom they already have so that they can move forward with purpose and power. You can follow her on Twitter, here. I'm the proud Author of Break-up Rehab: start over stronger. The book will be available to download or purchase in December 2014. Thanks for reading. If you want more of what I have to share contact me at my website, connect with me on my Facebook page and on Twitter. You can connect with me via phone sessions and skype sessions as well.

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25 Responses to “Dear Ex-Boyfriend. ~ Rebekah McClaskey”

  1. Mamaste says:

    Just intro'd on FB to: Culture & Funny.
    ~Mamaste

  2. yogasamurai says:

    JOURNALISTIC ETHICS ALERT

    This issue has been raised before — but I will raise it again. Since the author of this post is not writing under a pseudonym, and is apparently identifying a real person from her life, she is, in effect, taking a free but disguised public shot at her ex-, and no doubt there are many people who might read this post who actually know who the person is, and others who might easily discover it.

    It's basically character assassination – and from a legal standpoint, it could be libel. And that makes EJ a party to it. If I were a friend, I would certainly counsel him to retain an attorney and impress upon the editors of EJ who are notorious on this score, to have this post removed.

    I'm sure the author is a perfectly decent person – just one with a resentment. However, all her public venting of this resentment in this fashion tells us is how utterly unqualified she is to provide professional counseling on relationships.

    Waylon/Bob/Kate — I really think you should take this down.

    You made a huge fuss over not publishing the Babarazzi all because they refused to identify themselves by their real name – but somehow you think a person who does identify herself by her (presumed) real name can disparage a third party because he's not named – even though his identity by inference, is easily discovered.

    I don't get it.

    • That's just ridiculous! As a writer with a decade of experience, who writes about issues personal and not-so-much, NOTHING this woman has written here is libelous our outside the realm of ethical journalism.

      Writers and artists (and regular people too) are most certainly allowed to tell stories from their own lives (indeed, that is what many of us do best) – which pretty much always involve other people.

      Libel is stating something false or damaging about someone else, and to win in any kind of court, that person would have to be identified in a spectacularly singular way, or by name. Half the memoirs that exist would not if we all abided by your definition of "libel" yogasamurai. Nor would newspaper "blind items" exist. Or "unauthorized biographies". Or many, many blogs. Or "You're so vain" by Carly Simon. It's definitely Jagger! Unless it's Beatty……

      • yogasamurai says:

        Starre — You're missing something fundamental —

        "Public figures" are not protected by libel laws. If you are already in the public limelight, promoting yourself, you have to take your shots. As a rule.

        "Involuntary public figures" are also not protected. For example, a woman once complained about something on the Jerry Springer show – and threatened to sue. She was subsequently named and ridiculed publicly – by name. However, since she had entered the fray initially, and willingly – she had become an "involuntary public figure," and could not claim protection form the subsequent taunts and ridicule.

        Private citizens are a completely different matter.

        As I indicated, though, it's not really a question of libel – just poor taste and weak journalistic judgment, on the part of the author, and of course, the editors, whose reputation on this and so many other scores, precedes them.

        But far be it for me to stand in the way of anti-male zealousness at Estrogen Journal!! It's the coin of the realm here. :o)).

        Since there are no standards at EJ – duh – I guess i would love to see a guy submit a similar piece about the emotionally unavailable "yogini feminist" he dated, and what it says about the way modern women try to hide behind political correctness and ideology to justify their crassly selfish behavior in relationships?

        That would be one example. I can think of, oh, dozens. I'm sure they would be REAL crowd pleasers!

        Instead, though, why don't we adopt a basic policy. Don't fight your own personal battles through a general reader blog – if you must, do it on your own personal blog.

        Or work through it in therapy like a truly honest soul.

        – YS

        • Rebekah McClaskey Rebekah says:

          As the Author of this piece,I agree with you that taking your deep wounding as well as victories to a therapist is a powerful mode of healing. However, it is not the only or best mode of healing. We heal and learn about ourselves in relationship and within community. Blogging creates community. Thank you for creating a dialogue within the community.
          Again, this piece and future pieces like it are lyrical prose dedicated to normalizing the suffering the occurs after a break-up and deflating the notion that "doing it alone" is the best way to cope. Simply, we all need each other.

          • yogasamurai says:

            I hear you – but I disagree. I think your argument is very weak.

            Yes, don't do it alone – talk to your friends, your family, your 12-step group, bring it up in church.

            But respect other people's privacy.

            Don't use other people's emotional pain and discomfort – that you actually co-created – involuntarily as part of your own personal and business sales pitch.

            And then have the gall to call your self-centered exhibitionism "lyrical prose".

            You know where lyrical prose of this kind belongs – in your diary.

          • Rebekah McClaskey Rebekah says:

            That is a well articulated assertion. I would like it if you defined privacy because it seems that the paradigm of "silencing emotions", sequestering them, or even repressing them is actually what you are attempting to champion.This article was written as hypothetical satire. I'm not suggesting we eat babies or give out those "baby eater's" personal information.
            Again, thank you for providing valuable discourse.

          • yogasamurai says:

            It's absurd what you're saying, R. "If I don't get to write about this on EJ – and make other people read me- I am being silenced."

            Even by modern yoga's standard of extreme narcissism, I find this position quite extreme. Even worse, you use this entire gambit as a way of marketing your "services."

            This is why we have the yoga we have – this is the mentality that is driving the entire enterprise.

          • Yogasamurai–have you made it a full time job to prowl estrogen journal, as you call it, and nit pick?

          • yogasamurai says:

            No, it was just some anthropological participant-observation research for a book, actually. Sometimes you have to provoke the animals a bit to get a better sense how they survive in their native habitat. Whew, made it our alive! Lost a finger but well worth it.

            Seriously, though, this is an entirely valid issue, journalistically and otherwise, I think.

          • Rebekah McClaskey Rebekah says:

            —that occurs—

    • elephantjournal says:

      Hi Stewart,

      This seems to have much more to do with her experience than anything specifically negative about her ex. I think most people have gone through something like this at one time or other, and her account of it is funny, honest and then gets to the point of what we can do to move past the point of anger to something constructive.

      That's the kind of personal blog we welcome—tell a story, and offer something useful to the readers.

      If you didn't find this interesting or useful, why devote so much time to both tearing down the author's work and the site in general? Plenty of other stuff to read on here if you don't like the personal essays. ~ Kate

      • yogasamurai says:

        It would be very easy to have written this same piece and removed the reference to the "ex" in a way that respected his right to privacy. You either let your writers conduct petty, disguised vendettas, or you rein them in.. EJ generally and many of your writers have real boundary issues, and they come up continually in the posts.

        That's my view of it. I've raised the issue, which is a real one, whether you think so or not, and I'll vote with my feet on this poster? No sweat.

  3. yogasamurai says:

    On the other hand, if she made it up – and 2/3 of the immense personal suffering people write about on here is – then leave it?

    Maybe just say: "The events and scenarios depicted in this post are entirely fictional. The author, in keeping with EJ's standard author guidelines, is merely demonstrating the eccentricities of the Modern Yoga Drama Princess."

    In other words, JAA – "Just Another Asana."

    I'd be delighted either way! :o))))))))))))

  4. Rebekah McClaskey Rebekah says:

    This is hypothetical Satyre. The intention is to normalize the range of emotions people go through after break up.

  5. Jordan Epstein jhepstein says:

    Great piece!

    That roller coaster of emotions we all know so well. I love your use of "new deal". I think of dating like negotiations sometimes too, at least when I'm not getting myself in over my head. Always having a BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) is a great way to have leverage and not put too many of your eggs in one basket! Haha, some self-advice that I could heed at this time, actually.

    I love once you can get past the hate/love with an ex, and you've reached self acceptance and other forgiveness, and it's just still love, but you then got your "new deal" too. Super dope feeling.

    Anyway, thanks again for the ride!

  6. yogasamurai says:

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Lee Campbell says:

    I felt this piece to be entirely real, and in no way felt it was the writer's personal story. As I read through the comments I felt it comical that such a stand was taken on privacy as I felt it was a fictional piece describing real emotion when dealing with a break up. The amount of effort put in by the above comments feels to me pointless and absurd. It seems apparent that a chord was struck in the above reader and regulating his reaction in private may be of service. This piece was honest, real, and definetly normalized the neurotic behaviors I have felt when dealing with previous break ups in my life. If anything, I would want to this therapist as she clearly can get behind and empathize with the thought patterns and compulsions that occur post break up. In short I would encourage the previous post writer to ask the question of "is this really true?" regarding the writer's intention before defaming her character in such an unskillful and impulsive way. Namaste.

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