I often hear from both men and women that men today aren’t pulling their weight—that women have been doing a lot of work on themselves and really desire for men to “step up.”
Have all men been lumped into a category of being privileged and lazy?
As a man who’s been engaged with inner work since 2004, I can agree that in group settings, there used to be a lot more women than men present.
That’s been shifting.
I can also tell you from experience that being told to “step up” rarely inspired me—in fact, oftentimes it had the opposite effect. Anyone saying “step up” seemed to care more about herself than about me, and may just be recycling a command that worked for her in the past.
With this perception—the perception that men are not “stepping up”—what makes anyone believe that all that’s needed is an invitation?
Such invitations can be patronizing. It’s like a parent noticing that little Johnny doesn’t do his homework and responding with, “Johnny, your family and the world needs you to do your homework now.”
Invitations to “step up” can come across as a quick-fix Band-Aid that ignores the individual, like a solution to a problem defined by the observer rather than the individual who’s ultimately responsible for any personal change.
Any man who doesn’t consider the problems defined by others as his biggest problems, can’t even hear an invitation to fix those problems.
That’s a good start: asking questions.
How does anyone who sees his self-worth as directly connected to their effectiveness in the world respond to commands like “step up,” which carries with it the underlying message of “you’re not good enough?”
Have you noticed the trend in male suicides due to the shame of not providing a “good enough” income recently?
Do you think telling those men (or women) to “step up” before they stepped out would have made any difference?
Maybe first, we’ll have to hear some things we don’t really want to hear.
In the United States, men repeatedly get the message that they’re disposable.
- >>98 percent of war casualties are men.
- >>There’s no national office for men’s health.
- >>Men are at least 38 percent of the injured victims of domestic violence but receive none of the billion-dollar-per-year support offered to women.
- >>Men have no reproductive rights: her body, her choice (even when he wants to father the child).
This isn’t a pity party or a cop out—it’s a reality check.
Isn’t it possible that there are movements underway to affect change that just aren’t being recognized?
Maybe it’s time to listen to what men have been experiencing before offering a prescription. Even if some men aren’t ready or willing to talk yet, there are plenty who are.
Matthew Alexander Sloane is the creator of Tulie’s Garden, a book he wrote and illustrated about authenticity, vulnerability, and the dark side of being a man. He is also the co-founder of Soulful Brand, helping life and business coaches stand out with a unique message in their market, while staying true to themselves. He lives in Los Angeles with a woman he adores and two cats that keep him company while he writes.
Editor: April Dawn Ricchuito
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. How My Sister’s Death Transformed my Self-Perception.