Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Always Leave. {Video} ~ Jennifer Spesia
“When I am asked why a man/woman doesn’t leave their abuser I say: They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving.” ~ Rebecca J. Burns, “The Last Straw”
I was once involved in an abusive relationship and have faced insensitive judgment and criticism from people who say things like, “I would never have stayed,” as if staying was indicative of their strength and wisdom, and my subsequent weakness and stupidity.
Domestic violence is perpetrated against both men and women, however, one in three American women will be involved in an abusive relationship at some point in their lives, so it is important to understand why they (we) do not walk out the door after the first incident of violence.
Instead of subjecting the victim to further injury by asking them why they did not leave, ask them what you can do to support them in their healing. Compassion goes much further than judgment, and until you walk in someone else’s shoes, please don’t assume you know anything about them or their motivations for staying.
Jennifer Spesia is a long-time student of Eastern spiritual traditions, a meditator, a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer (Cote d’Ivoire, West Africa), a yoga-teacher-in-training, a human companion to three amazing dogs, a world traveler, a philosopher, a seeker, and an eternal student. She will complete her PhD in Psychology in 2013 and is looking forward to having the time to read books for pleasure again soon.
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Ed: Kate Bartolotta
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Jennifer,
Heartfelt appreciation for your courage in narrating some of your journey and for providing an exceptional presentation link.
In the video, she provides a much needed nudge towards a perceptual shift which is absolutely required, if we'll commence healing this collective phenomenon. I used the term commence intentionally, since while some recipients of abuse have, thankfully, escaped and rebuilt their lives, from my experience, they are the exceptions (and their progression is often an arduous and long term endeavor). Taking that critical step away is a start, individually, yet we must break the chains of abuse across the generations, to accomplish the family and cultural healing aspects.
Many of my relationships have been with appreciably abused souls, and for us, all facets of our relationships were impacted by past experiences. So, mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, sisters and brothers, daughters and sons, all must work through the shadows holding these patterns in place (&, sadly, the phenomenon is increasing). I'd write more, except this is your story and I don't want to detract from it (& this topic often results in my excess expressions).
My final comment is that while I deeply respected her wonderful presentation, she does suggest some absolutes which differ from my experiences, so a few of her statements, and even some of her statistics, *seem* slightly biased (not in a negative or embellishing way, just skewed).
Deep appreciation to you, and may your journey exceed your most blissful imaginative dreams!
Thank you very much for this video.
Thank you for posting this and for sharing your personal experience. However, I wish it was not accompanied by that fashion-y, made-up pic of the half-dead-looking model. It is triggering, gratuitous, and disrespectful to survivors who can't walk way and wash their "bruises" off after the photo shoot is over. I realize it must be difficult to find images to illustrate this subject matter, but I think this was a really poor choice.
Thank you again for sharing your journey and this resource for help & healing! Peace.
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The photo is an incredibly poor judgement…it contributes to the glamorization of the abuse of women.
The question should never be "why did they stay?" Instead it should be, "why did they abuse?"
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