Why a Rebound Relationship is What We Need after Being Dumped.

Via on Feb 26, 2013

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Let’s be honest.

Being dumped is probably the most rejecting feeling in the entire world.

You were once the person they would do anything for.

You were once the person they wanted to be with the rest of their life.

And you were once the person that they promised they would never stop loving.

Which is why, after being dumped (and after our self-esteem has been crushed), we should absolutely have a rebound relationship.

Now, let’s not confuse this with having what I like to call a “Replacement Relationship.” A replacement relationship is when we haven’t yet released our feelings of rejection from our ex, and we attach ourselves to someone new in hopes that this new man (or woman) will somehow magically rebuild our self-esteem that was so significantly damaged when we were dumped.

No. I’m not promoting this kind of unhealthy behavior in the least. Before we can have a healthy (and often very satisfying rebound relationship), we must first rebuild our self-esteem on our own.

How do we do this?

We rebuild your self-esteem by realizing that being dumped isn’t something that we should take personally.

Nothing that anyone ever “does” to us should ever be taken personally, actually. Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions and live their own lives. It’s up to us to accept that they (and their decisions) are separate from us and separate from our own self-worth.

When we stop taking things personally, we can begin to take control over our own self-esteem and self-worth. No one can affect how we feel about ourselves, unless, of course, we let them.

The ex made a decision that his life (and ours) were not in alignment anymore. He (or she) made a decision to go in a separate direction for his/her own benefit, not because we’re not worth being with.

But, let’s be honest. (Again.) Getting attention from others feels really, really good. But again, if we let our self-esteem increase or decrease based on the love and attention that we get from others, we’re just setting ourselves up to be hurt again.

Which is why, before we head into another relationship, we need to evaluate our motivations and intentions first.

Make sure you aren’t just looking for someone to replace the love and attention that you received from you ex. If you are, don’t do it. Take a little more time to evaluate yourself and your self-esteem before jumping into someone else’s arms (or into their bed).

If we can honestly tell ourselves that our self-esteem is intact, then we should go for it. Have a hot rebound relationship. Find a new, exciting person (someone with different qualities than your ex would be optimal), and have a rebound relationship.

A rebound relationship is very different than a replacement relationship. The word “rebound” literally means “to spring or bounce back after hitting or colliding with something.”

(And I’m pretty sure being dumped felt like we had just collided with a Mac Truck, yes?)

So you do want to bounce back, right? Well, then, get your bad ass self off the couch and find a hot rebound relationship. You deserve it after all you’ve been through. You deserve to be adored. You deserve to be admired. And you deserve to be treated to something extra special, too.

Screw what the other “experts” say when they tell us not to rebound.

What they should be telling us not to do is not to try and replace our ex or replace our self-esteem with someone new. As long as we’ve realized that this is impossible (and spent some time strengthening our self-esteem on our own), then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with finding an awesome man or woman to rebound with.

Just make sure you’re up front and honest with him from the beginning about where you’re at in your breakup process. You’re probably not ready to dive into something serious after just one date. And you probably need to take it slow, just in case you incorrectly accessed yourself and the current state of your self-esteem.

If you have, take a step back to evaluate your feelings and decide what’s best for you.

The goal with a rebound relationship is to bounce back after our devastating, painful collision with our ex’s heart. The goal is not to recreate the past and have it happen all over again.

We’ve been rejected once recently.

Don’t be rejected twice when you show up to a new relationship still carrying your bruised self-esteem on your shoulder.

So. Have a rebound relationship. (Or three.) As long as we’re not trying to replace anything (or anyone), a rebound relationship is just what our inner bad ass needs to bounce back and move on.

Have fun!

Big hug,

Like elephant love on facebook.

Ed: Lynn Hasselberger

About Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak was called a “true change agent” by New York Times bestselling author Marci Shimoff and her work has been featured on ABC, NBC, Yahoo, and FOX. Her mission is to help you realize the power within you to create the life you want and the love you deserve. Ellen’s #1 bestselling book "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over It Doesn't Have To Be!" has been read in over 27 countries and her online courses have transformed thousands of lives around the world. A South Carolina native who spent her twenties in San Diego, Ellen combines her East Coast sensibility with her West Coast to inspire a global audience to take charge of their happiness by teaching them how to access their power, boost their confidence, and increase their self-love -- the three ingredients that Ellen believes will make it possible for you to get anything and anyone you want. To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here.


3 Responses to “Why a Rebound Relationship is What We Need after Being Dumped.”

  1. jim fry says:

    An enjoyable and fresh perspective, Ellen. Thank you.

    I waited three years between my previous two relationships, with two 'dates' in-between. What I found was I seek about a three to one ratio of solo time now … one year within, then three as a gypsy. For me, this period seems essential to really explore who I am outside of each relationship. Of course, there is the nuance that had I used that equation after two marriages, I'd most deff, die solo! Grins … sort of!


    • Ellen Smoak says:

      Thanks for the comment Jim! We would get along great, as my inner gypsy keeps me in check too :) In fact, she's taking me around to 3 cities in the next year to celebrate my 'independence'…. Hug!

  2. Ellen Smoak says:

    *to live in 3 cities* yay!

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