Women often ask me: How do I get my guy to open up more?
How do I get him to connect? How do I get him to tell me his feelings? How do I… get him to be more like you?
Easy. Stop trying to get him to do anything.
The reason trying to get someone to change doesn’t work is because the underlying message is that you aren’t good enough as you are.
I’m not satisfied with you. I’m disappointed. I kind-of don’t like you.
Do these messages inspire you to get close? Be a better person? Be a better partner? Not a chance in hell. These messages probably make you want to run, too. There is no stronger human-repellent than being forced or controlled, but we do it all the time. And it really takes a toll on our relationships.
Let me tell you a little secret about how your man operates. He’ll feel inspired to open up, move closer and connect to you if he feels accepted just as he is. When you cease trying to make him be something he’s not, then he’ll inch in closer to you. When we feel accepted we want to be close. That’s just how it works.
So how do stop trying to change and control him?
Simple. You accept yourself first.
When we don’t accept ourselves as we are, we try to get people to make us feel better. We rope them into soothing us and we make them responsible for our well-being.
Anytime you make your happiness someone else’s responsibility, you are trying to control them to get what you want. This makes for a complete disaster in relationships because it’s impossible!
He’ll fail, you’ll get pissed, and he’ll back away. It happens every time.
For the sake of your relationship (and your sanity) stop trying to change him. Stop trying to get him to do things to make you feel better. Take the focus off of him and direct your attention towards improving your relationship with you.
Trust me, this will completely transform your experience in love! Because when you get comfortable with you, he most definitely will want to get comfy with you, too.
Shelly Bullard is a student and teacher of Love. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CA#51081) turned Love Coach. She teaches people How To Feel More Love by helping them: (1) understand why they feel like they aren’t getting enough in relationships, (2) learn how to clear the internal blocks to love (aka fear), and (3) learn how to cultivate and an abundant flow of love in their lives everyday. She is currently finishing her book, creating an online course, and offers a weekly newsletter and free eBook to guide people towards more love. Shelly coaches people on the phone and Skype. Please contact her below for more information:
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Assistant Ed. Caroline Scherer
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. How My Sister’s Death Transformed my Self-Perception.