A Yoga Body. ~ Meghan McCracken

Via on May 17, 2013

42c30e38e3325129d18f24f258edd281

Oof. That title, right there? That is one toxic concept.

When I was in college, I worked on a military base for about six months. It was a pretty cushy job. I was the manager and sole employee for the base’s swag shop, which would get some pretty impressive customers—visiting generals, officers, diplomats and all sorts of interesting military-associated people from all over the world.

I also had the pleasure of being the ‘stop-and-chat’ spot for a lot of the military personnel on the base. It was cool because up to that point, I had little exposure to the military at that point in my life, and this particular fort had members of pretty much all branches coming through. Because of this, I got to ask a lot of questions, learn about our armed forces and get a good immersion in the culture through the friendships I formed.

One fellow in particular, Tyler, an Army courier and driver for a high-ranking general, became basically my best work buddy over the months. We talked for hours—having existed up until that point in such different spheres of human experience, that it was like we were soaking up the details of each others’ alien planets.

“What was it like to attend a frat party on my college campus?” he wanted to know.

“What was it like avoiding roadside IEDs driving transports?” I wondered in return.

We were two people with little else besides nationality in common. And, the fact that he had any interest in my life—which, to me, seemed painfully bland in comparison to his—was sort of shocking and endearing at the same time.

One experience we did share, though in different ways, was working out.

Fitness, for him, was a job requirement. And, at the time, fitness to me was a necessary evil—something with which I flogged myself on a daily basis in the quest to be skinny. I knew little more than jack shit about exercise—and was a hapless student of the ‘two sad hours on the treadmill’ school of thought—thank you, Shape Magazine.

Since the age of 12, I had been two things: constantly hungry and vividly aware of not measuring up, in terms of ‘hotness’, to other, skinnier girls. When I knew Tyler, I was 22 and starting to wonder if I would ever measure up, or ever be happy with my body.

We’d work out together in the little gym adjacent to the University shop—me pounding away on the treadmill like a large, deranged hamster, and him throwing heavy items over his head and all over the room.

It was the same kind of silent, shared effort that permeates the yoga practice room.

We were sweating, huffing, pushing harder, not talking, off in our own heads, and yet still—mentally together. I will always remember the morning when the gym TV was tuned to some morning news show—Good Morning America, I think. It was the 5th anniversary of 9/11, so there were special retrospectives, survivor interviews and the like.

I was quietly crying, something I do still to this day at any mention of 9/11. I was not even really thinking about it, just feeling the emotion and letting it make its way out of me as I ran, ran, ran.

I looked over at Tyler, and he was crying, too. His eyes glued to the TV as he watched the retrospective while simultaneously pushing heavy dumbbells above his head. He looked over to me and grinned. It was a moment of “Can you even believe how much this day still sucks, all these years later?” and “I’m glad you’re with me in this glass case of emotion.”

All of this is to illustrate that I trusted Tyler’s opinion. We spoke and thought on the same wavelength, despite our wildly different lives. Also, I wanted his approval—I suppose because I saw him as such a genuine badass, someone who didn’t even see himself as brave, because bravery was just his job description.

One day we were talking about our workouts, and he encouraged me to get off the treadmill and pick up some weights. I said something about not wanting to bulk up and get big (again, thank you, Shape Magazine—and by “thank you” I mean go f*** yourself). To which he replied, “Well, I mean, you’re not a small girl.”

Record scratch.

He realized that my brain had spiraled into self-doubt as he clarified, “No, I don’t mean that in a bad way—I mean that you’re a strong girl. You have muscles. You’re not small, and you’re not ever going to be small. You should lean into it, because you could be good at this. You’re resisting something that will make you better.”

“…in the pursuit of something you’ll never have anyway,” seemed to be the unsaid conclusion to his little speech.

That week in my yoga classes, I was surrounded by the kind of lithe, truly tiny frames that excel immediately at yoga and consequently tend to show up more for class. And, all I could hear in my head was “You’re not a small girl…you’re not a small girl.”

It took a few more years before I realized that Tyler was right, and I should lean into my body’s strengths rather than avoiding them. By that point, I was living in Oregon and eating all the wrong things in the quest for ‘skinny’ and still running mindlessly with no results. I was still doing yoga. I started to notice that anytime there was a strength component of an asana, I was a rock compared to the ‘smaller’ girls, and that the more strength-heavy classes I attended, the more my muscles started to show all over my body.

At first, allowing myself to consider that I had some kind of advantage due to my body type felt almost like breaking a rule or committing a sin. It felt presumptuous and so wrong to say that anything but a ballerina body was ideal. Like, if I spoke the thought aloud, society would come crashing down on me screaming, “Nope, you’re not a small girl. You aren’t fit. You aren’t yoga.” Meanwhile, the idea of a ‘yoga body’ had taken root in mainstream culture. We’re taking pictures of teeny celebrities in magazines with captions like, “She credits yoga for her slim, toned physique.”

By ‘slim’ and ‘toned’ they meant skinny.

Tara Stiles, with her swan neck and “Slim Calm Sexy Yoga.” And, something called, “Skinnygirl Yoga”—which I’ve never even investigated because it stabbed me in the heart with rage and doubt when I first came across the phrase.

I wasn’t slim. Did this mean I wasn’t calm, sexy, or yoga? I was getting toned, but I didn’t look like the other girls with so-called yoga bodies.

I was not, and have never been, a small girl.

But I was getting better at yoga, awakening to the practice in ways I hadn’t before—finding strength, ability and real progress in the asanas. How was this possible? I had been told by TV, by the cover of Yoga Journal and by American Apparel ads, that to be good at yoga was to be skinny. Yet I was starting to excel, and enjoying myself—starting to not care that I was not small.

It suddenly occurred to me that yoga was being sold to me as a construct of beauty—of other peoples’ ideas of beauty. That yoga was being pushed as advertisement and not enlightenment. And, that it was being done to make me buy things: Smart Water, stretchy pants, makeup… pashminas. These were accoutrements of a beautiful person’s life, as envisioned by corporations.

Waking up to this, and catching a whiff of the bullshit I’d been thinking was perfume, was a turning point. I decided that being strong, and embracing the mesomorph body I’d been gifted, was something I could “own”—something from which I could draw power. I could be solid, muscular, not-small and still have a yoga body.

I leaned into it.

I started doing things I was good at—things which required strength and musculature. I began practicing fitness and nutrition in a whole new way. It extended to all aspects of my life—I started taking chances in my personal life and career, putting myself out there more and reaching for things I’d never felt myself capable of. Ironically, owning being ‘not small’ is what led me to yoga teacher training—something I would have previously been terrified to do simply because I knew I’d be surrounded by media-approved yoga bodies. I knew I wanted to teach yoga because I knew there were other ‘not small’ girls and guys out there who loved yoga and could relate to me.

This small switch in my brain—that I should stop fantasizing about the person I wanted to be and just start being that person—changed my whole life. And I wouldn’t have gotten there without that first push, “You’re not a small girl.”

It’s been a few more years since that revelation, and the evolution of my body image hasn’t been totally smooth, but the joy I find in my own body and its abilities now is ten times what it used to be. Actually, that doesn’t make sense, because you can’t have ten times zero. I used to hate that I wasn’t something I felt I was supposed to be. Now I love what I am, and I love that in an industry largely populated by the tiny and lithe, ‘not small’ chicks like me tend to stand out.

Do I have a yoga body?

Depends on who you talk to, I guess, and what they’re trying to sell you. I believe I am a yoga body—that I’m a yoga mind and a yoga heart. And I was all along. It was my love for and practice of yoga that made me so, not any outward manifestation of my physical practices.

Want a yoga body? Step 1: Do yoga. There is no Step 2.

 

meg-sideplankMeghan McCracken is a yoga instructor focusing on specialized yoga training for beginners and athletes with her company Greenhouse Yoga Austin, in Austin, TX. An active weightlifter and EMT, she practices and teaches with the goal of bringing openness and fluidity to musclebound physiques.

 

Like elephant journal on Facebook.

 

Ed:  T. Lemieux/Kate Bartolotta

About elephant journal

elephant journal is dedicated to "bringing together those working (and playing) to create enlightened society." We're about anything that helps us to live a good life that's also good for others, and our planet. >>> Founded as a print magazine in 2002, we went national in 2005 and then (because mainstream magazine distribution is wildly inefficient from an eco-responsible point of view) transitioned online in 2009. >>> elephant's been named to 30 top new media lists, and was voted #1 in the US on twitter's Shorty Awards for #green content...two years running. >>> Get involved: > Subscribe to our free Best of the Week e-newsletter. > Follow us on Twitter Fan us on Facebook. > Write: send article or query. > Advertise. > Pay for what you read, help indie journalism survive and thrive—and get your name/business/fave non-profit on every page of elephantjournal.com. Questions? info elephantjournal com

10,101 views

Appreciate this article? Support indie media!

(We use super-secure PayPal - but don't worry - you don't need an account with PayPal.)

21 Responses to “A Yoga Body. ~ Meghan McCracken”

  1. amphibi1yogini says:

    This is very sad. Aerobic dance had been a fitness fad in the 1980s to-early-1990s, but because it had been associated with being more downmarket and scalable in accessibility (and, thus economically accessible to more people) and fewer, if any, self-abnegating, self-mortifying food prescriptions (based on spirituality and "what yogis do"–e.g. cleanses, etc.) your mesomorphic body type (along with those ectomorphs who could even keep up) would have been celebrated, if not revered.

    It is facile to just say, "it's the economy, stupid" – the cause could even be the rise of internet tropes and memes as well.

    Glad you saw through this.

  2. Awesome article. Awesome writing. Thank you for loving your authentic self & sharing honestly how you found it. It helps us all be true to our yoga hearts.

  3. mya says:

    Thank you for writing this…just recently while teaching, and wondering again "I wonder if they think I don't have my own practice…of yoga or eating healthy?" because my students are typically much thinner than I am, I came to realize I am STRONG…and some of the asana that I can "rock" is due to my strength. This couldn't have come at a better time!

  4. amphibi1yogini says:

    See, there's another thing:

    I am neither skinny nor strong. I am just really non-athletic but nicely built. And little but not small. Kapha-vata, with the kapha imbalance to a bare minimum now, with low carbing.

    But I'd had a real "field day" when, in the throes of insulin resistance, I'd been mistaken for being strong by yoga teachers at two different studios.

    I did not know that female pitta doshas were having a hard time, too. This has got to stop.

  5. TriAthlete says:

    Thank you for writing this. Glad you have learned truly appreciate the beautiful body you were blessed with and were able to share your story.

    But c’mon now, no need to use profane words about Shape. You can’t believe everything you read in a magazine. What works for one person may not be the best for another. It takes time and research to determine what’s best for you and your body.

    • Meghan says:

      Thanks for the comments. I actually believe magazines like Shape, Women's Health, and other mainstream fitness magazines are proliferating severely out-of-date and sometimes dangerously incorrect information. They're not being malicious, they just don't bother to do any real research or stay up-to-date on exercise science, and just pick and choose (and often copy-paste from old issues) random "fitness content" that will best help them sell things. Their primary interest is in making money, not in making people healthy. And it makes me angry. So, that's why the profanity. :) YMMV, that's just what I've come to believe.

  6. livetstrae says:

    Love your post – thanks for sharing <3

  7. Amanda says:

    I loved this. Thank you. :)

  8. Katrina says:

    Thank you for posting this! I think we more or less have the same body type and I want to get a yoga body and/or get into yoga too. Your article encouraged me to bank on my muscles and continue what works for me. :) I wish you have a blog so I can get more tips from you. You're so awesome! :)

  9. adventurousandrea says:

    I can so identify with this! I'll never be tiny girl, but that doesn't mean I can improve the body I was given and work with my strengths.

  10. Janell says:

    Thanks for the inspiration. Makes me want to go and explore Yoga and see what I can do with it. Keep up the good work!

  11. lisa says:

    thanks for a poignant and always timely article…ALL bodies are yoga bodies..potentially… skinnie minnies, fatties on the matties, string beans and in betweens… shared this to my yoga and personal facebook pages. as someone who has many years of disordered eating and body dysmorphia as well as a yoga teacher and student and nutritionist, I have to remember to keep an inward focus of health and vitality and let go of a preconceived idea of how that should look like on the outside.

  12. Mina says:

    Meghan, I love your article and agree with you 100% about Shape magazine. I only wish elephant journal had put your lovely picture up at the top instead of that "model." In my world, you're my model, Meghan! All of my teachers have been welcoming of different body types/shapes but magazines and websites such as this are sadly not very interested in portraying what yoga REALLY looks like. Too bad.

  13. Ashley says:

    Thank you so much for this post. I too am built muscular, and not light and lithe like the "typical" yoga body (or typical yoga media body). I can relate so much to this post. I've always had trouble accepting that I'm not this thin, ballerina type, and that my arms are sculpted and I have large, muscular thighs that touch each other. I thought I was not feminine because I didn't have that certain type of slim physique. But thankfully through yoga, I've come to appreciate my body and the muscles I have. I own that I'm strong and for me that means having muscles that show. It's still a struggle to be ok with my body the way it is, but yoga is a practice, and it's helped me practice coming back to loving myself for who I am and forgiving myself when I don't! Love this post.

  14. digitalpanacea1627 says:

    Thank you for posting this article which is very useful and encouraging to all the women (and men) practicing yoga that may feel they're not the right type, or who might feel frustrated that having practiced yoga for a few months they are not gamine ballerina-a-likes.
    I wander if you're still in touch with Tyler and if he knows how much his words resonated?

  15. Lynne says:

    Sorry to state the obvious, but the expression 'yoga body' would be best forgotten about altogether, along with any notion of a standardised ideal of beauty. As you said, it is a toxic notion. But while the wheels of commerce and marketing thrive on our insecurities we will continue be fed images and suggestions that we don't quite make the grade, unless, we buy into whatever it is that's being sold to us (which we hope will help will help us be a bit closer to the 'ideal' or give, at least, the impression of being closer to the ideal. If you think the anxiety of being the 'wrong shape / body type' was bad, wait until the ageing process really starts to kick in, say in your late 40s!! The cultural bias for 'skinny' is probably only surpassed by the cultural bias for 'young'. We could spend our whole lives fighting against reality, fighting against change. Wishing we had curly instead of straight, wishing we were darker/ lighter skinned, wishing we were a different age etc, While we can't easily account for, or control what society does, but we can make a personal commitment to detach from these things. This is part of the yoga practice, discerning the real from the unreal, the important from the meaningless, the destructive from the constructive. Not an easy path to navigate, and this is why it is good to hear how other people have come to an understanding along the way, and to cheer them on!

    • amphibi1yogini says:

      Well, it sure doesn't help self-acceptance in us in our late 50s to see pictures of Tao Porchon Lynch in shazam asana … exceptions to the rule still show our-agers coveting youth and youth's beauty and grace, despite ailments and adjusting to change … you just have to see the comments to this .. .http://yogadork.com/news/practicing-yoga-after-50-where-to-start/

      She is considered by a few, to be an artifact selling yoga fetishism …

  16. Jenna says:

    I love this.

  17. adhdbunny says:

    The advice about 'leaning in' to your body and its strengths is so true! I too struggled and fought against my body for years, eating a rigid diet, exercising fearfully and spending every day in a cloud of self-disgust. Sure, I got skinny, but it was a hollow, sad skinny because it is not my body's healthy state. Now I weight train because I love feeling strong, and get a kick out of exerting myself, I practice yoga because it calms my mind and helps keep my brain & body connected and I run for the sheer joy of running, instead of out of a need to burn calories. The irony is, once I stopped fighting my body and embraced my strength and musculature, suddenly I began to look and feel better than I ever had.
    It's a shame that Yoga has been tainted by this obsession with slender, when the actual philosophy of yoga has little to do with aesthetics or weightloss. Such is commercialism.

Leave a Reply