Sitting with Uncertainty. ~ Rebecca Beaton

Via Rebecca Beatonon Aug 6, 2013

White Rocking Chairs on a Porch

I’m sitting on my back porch, with one hundred ideas of what to blog about, and not being able to write about a single thing.

I’m scattered.

My life is full of so much uncertainty right now, and while I am beginning to learn how to navigate through it, I also feel a bit like I’m drowning.

Tomorrow, I am moving from the house I have lived in for the past three years.

Yesterday, I ended things with the boy I have been seeing off and on for the past six months.

A few days ago, I gave notice at the restaurant I have been working at so I can jump full-force into the ambiguity of running my own business, before hitting the road in a month and a half to take off on my “irresponsible journey.”

I am full of self-doubt — am I making the “right” decisions? Am I being too irresponsible? Selfish? Do I need to just suck it up and do work I don’t particularly enjoy because that’s just how you “get by in the world?” Am I purposely choosing to make life difficult for myself?

Sometimes I observe people on vacation, or on their weekends, imagining the lives they might live: married or with a steady partner, in a secure job that has a reliable income, weekends off to go to the beach and drink on patios or go on trips.

Could I be satisfied living that kind of life? Could I be fulfilled working a decent job, having a family, living in a nice home and going on vacations and getaways when I get the chance?

Am I causing myself needless suffering?

The guy I just ended things with was a nice guy. He wants to be a firefighter so that he can help people, and also have a job that offers benefits and a pension. I know he’ll be successful as a fireman and he’ll find a nice girl and settle down with her and have a family. It’s this last part that makes my heart ache.

Yet, I know that I could not be that girl with whom he settles.

Still, I find myself wondering, why not? What am I searching for?

Most of all, I wonder if I am making things more difficult for myself than they need to be?

In the face of uncertainty, I am becoming filled with self-doubt.

Yet, there is also Faith. There is this deep, unwavering determination that lies like the calm beneath the rippling surface of a river. There is a force greater than myself pulling me towards adventure, towards mystery and towards uncertainty.

The magic of life cannot be found within certainty… it can only be found within mystery.

Sometimes I just wish I could be more simple; but, at the end of the day, that’s not who I am.

I am one of the Searchers.

Some people do not have to search: they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned. They do not seem to ask much of life; sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them. Seldom do they understand me.

I am one of the searchers. There are I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, nor neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know – unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we want to love and be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or to compete for love.

~ James Kavanaugh

I always have, and always will be, a Searcher.

Uncertainty and challenges are inevitable in life, and as a Searcher, they may be even more so.

Today, I am learning to navigate through the uncertainty by connecting with the calm Presence that exists beneath the river’s rippling surface. I am doing so by choosing to have Faith, and by openly expressing to others the fears and doubts I am experiencing in the face of uncertainty.

How to navigate uncertainty is still a work in progress for me, but I do feel excited about all the possibilities and opportunities for growth.

For now, I am successfully keeping my head above the sea of uncertainty, and I am working on building myself a raft so I can explore all that this world has to offer.

Here’s to magic & uncertainty.

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Assist. Ed: Jade Belzberg/Ed: Sara Crolick

 

About Rebecca Beaton

Rebecca Beaton is a trailblazing guide, friend, world changer, speaker, writer & life coach extraordinaire! She specializes in kicking indecision in the butt, exploring possibilities for life, and helping socially-conscious, independent souls carve out their unique path with confidence & clarity. www.rebeccabeaton.com


 

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6 Responses to “Sitting with Uncertainty. ~ Rebecca Beaton”

  1. Aaron Clouden says:

    wow! after all this time this is the first post on here that has spoken to me. I'm in the same exact spot. I guess I'll find out what is next. good luck

  2. Rich Wright says:

    Absolutely loved it! And I thought it was only me!……Thank you!

  3. houseofavidus says:

    Wow, Rebecca, this piece really spoke to me. It reminds me of a poem by Rumi I hold dear about not losing our dignity and purpose.
    "So man has come into this world for a particular task and that is his purpose. If he does not perfom it, then he will have done nothing. If you say, "Even if I do not perform that task, yet so many tasks are performed by me", you were not created for those other tasks." -Rumi

    Even if us searchers follow the path most people choose, that constant ringing in our heads and that mysterious force that pulls us towards what we are meant to do will never go away. I've come to a point in my life where I promise to never ignore it. If you know what you are doing is true for you, and you wouldn't have it any other way, than life will take you to where you need to be. This is because you aren't betraying yourself.

    May your path of magic and uncertainty be blessed.

  4. Lindsey says:

    Love this! It resonates very strongly with me. As a Soul Coach, I want people to EMBRACE their TRUTHS and ALIGN with their SOULS. I think that is exactly what you're doing Rebecca–embracing your truth about the life you want. Stay aligned!! :) xoll, Lindsey

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