Dear Right Person, Wrong Time. ~ Jenny Spitzer

Via on Jul 11, 2014

Warning: naughty language ahead!

Dear right person, wrong time,

Just as we say hello, we need to say goodbye. That’s so fucked up! I have so much that I want to say to you, to share with you. I have a million things that I’ve been dying to tell you. Goodbye is not one of them.

I’ve been waiting such a long time for you.

Actually, waiting isn’t the right word. Waiting suggests passivity and I certainly haven’t been sitting on my ass waiting (for anything). I’ve been working—on lots of things, including figuring out who I am and subsequently who you are.

In doing so, I’ve experienced a lot of who you are not. And that is how I know you, now, when I see you.

I wouldn’t have recognized you five or 10 or 15 years ago. And isn’t that ironic because if we met then, it might have been the right time. For you, that is. But not for me, because as I said, I wouldn’t have recognized you, understood you, accepted you, loved you.

Not as I do now.

As for you, although you may recognize me as a person who might be right for you, I am not, not now. You’re attached to something—a person, an experience, an idea of who you may or may not be, all of these, it doesn’t matter—you need to figure out who you are, with and without that something, before you can fully know who you are at all.

And you need to know who you are before you can be with the right person. How would you even know that they are right for you without knowing who you is?

It’s so damn tempting, though. For us both. To take the shortcut. To acquiesce to the loopholes that seem so clearly laid out for us. We can let ourselves think things like, “Technically, it can be the right time…”

And it feels benign, instinctive, right to just float effortlessly through those loopholes together. We can fit (almost) perfectly through them. All it would take is to let go. Let it happen. Relax and let the water carry us over—instead of my stubborn grasping on to this tiny brittle twig.

It would be natural, like breathing. And I want it desperately like I want to release a breath that I’ve been holding for too long.

But as I said, while I’ve been waiting, I’ve been working. Working on discovering who I am, who I want to be. And who do I want to be? Not an asshole, for starters. Not to anyone, including myself. And not being an asshole means doing the right thing.

I’ve plunged through loopholes before—more than I care to count. And here is what I learned: the right thing is always a doorway unto itself. It’s not necessarily, or typically, easy to walk through, but it always has its own direct path.

It is never a loophole.

What feels right is not always right.

The task at times is to allow the feeling to be, but to do precisely the opposite. To swim against the tide, to resist the pull towards something or someone that, for one reason or another, is not right for you.

The right person at the wrong time is wrong for you in a kick ass disguise, reminding us to keep working, to keep moving forward in the right direction. And sometimes we have to move our feet first and wait for the heart to follow. It will follow. I promise.

Love always, (no, not always—just for now. For now it burns hot like a damn inferno but a fire unfed eventually fizzles out.

~ Wrong (for you, for now, and perhaps, for always)

Relephant bonus—Mindful dating tips:



9 Relationship Red Flags For Everybody.


The Whole Point of Every Relationship (is probably not what you think it is).



Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Apprentice Editor: Melissa Horton/ Editor: Cat Beekmans

Images: Barney Moss, Flickr Creative Commons

About Jenny Spitzer

Jenny hails from NYC and currently lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she spends her time as a social worker, therapist, college instructor, writer, and unapologetic workaholic cat lover. Jenny will be publishing a book titled, "Letters to our Lovers." Several of these letters can be found here, If you would like to make Jenny's day by pre-ordering the book, or if you just wanna connect with Jenny for any reason, you can friend and/or message her on Facebook here. If you would like to connect with Jenny in a professional capacity, please check out her counseling page, Breakthrough Inc.



55 Responses to “Dear Right Person, Wrong Time. ~ Jenny Spitzer”

  1. Wyoming says:

    Beautiful. I needed this today. Thank you.

  2. Erin says:

    Fuc*, Jenny. You’re right. Thank you sending a sharp blade of truth, wisdom, and compassion right through me, skewering my gut, heart and mind in one swoop. I’ll take what you’ve said and see if I need to get my feet moving, hoping my heart falls in line sooner than later. Yuck.

  3. Jenny Spitzer Jenny says:

    Thank you so much for your response. Oy, it turns out my feet will need to move ahead of my heart again, today. I'm there with you and you're right – yuck! It's a fitting word to describe a body in pieces like this. But the last time I experienced this, my heart did catch up. It was jealous of all of the fun my feet were having. I'm venturing that it will catch up again. One day they'll be realigned and we will feel whole again. Today I promise you as well as myself :,-( we'll be okay.

  4. Victor says:

    So right, if you cant' find yourself, you will not find the right person to love
    Cheeers!!! And Love :)

  5. Allison says:

    So incredibly relevant to my life right now.

  6. Amy says:

    This is happening to me right now. I just want so badly for it to be the right time.

    In any case, I'm thankful for reading this : )

  7. Amy E says:

    Life is a journey and timing is everything. We don't know what is around every corner. I expect that two people might cross each other's paths a few times in a lifetime. One person might carry an eternal flame, while the other may not. There is no reason to hurry or lament. Que sera sera. Loving and knowing oneself, first, is paramount, for both. Well written article.

  8. mylie says:

    so beautiful thanks for sharing

  9. Yep, totally get this! xo

  10. Kittel says:

    Thank you, thank you a lot
    its just what I live a few days ago.
    for her was was not the Right person =[
    but Life goes on =]

  11. Jen says:

    Aside from your blog and EJ, do you write anywhere else?

  12. Renee says:

    Damn, well said. One of those big, fat life lessons that some of us *cough, cough* only learn in hindsight.

  13. I understand this, although I believed she was the right person to balance me, as I could with her, in the end it was the wrong time, for me that is. But that doesn't mean that I need to stop caring about her, unconditional love knows no bounds with time. She may have been the right person at the wrong time, but eventually there will be someone who is the right person at the right time.

  14. geekinthepink87 says:

    I also needed this lol. Sometimes we agonize over choices like which person to date or what job to take but what really matters is the work we do on ourselves and none of those things will really make a difference or can fulfil us until we can come to fully appreciate and accept them. Let things come and go <3 life is abundant.

  15. Hogan says:

    I am struggling with this type of relationship right now. Right person (most likely); wrong time. We have so much to say to each other – things that need to be shared. We might not get to say anything more. She went thru a painful divorce that was finalized last year. She has never spent enough time alone with herself to find out who she is. She needs that time to heal and to learn. I, on the other hand, have not been in a relationship for almost six years. I've had plenty of time to figure out who I am and what I want. I went thru a rough period last year, because I was given some medication that created some nasty side effects, but that got cleared up. Unfortunately, this happened around the time we were getting to know each other. She got angry and I withdrew. We started talking again a couple months ago. The right feelings are there, it's just the wrong time and it really sucks. I'm ready for a relationship, but I'm not in a hurry. I would be okay alone. I need to give her time to find herself. (I hate it when women say that – sorry, ladies.) A woman friend wants to date me. She is a terrific person, but the same chemistry isn't there. I don't know what to do. Beyond giving her space, the rest is a mystery.

  16. laura moore says:

    I disagree. We can make any time the right time. Life is about love and happiness. Never miss out on a chance at either. That is what life is about. Dont miss out on either because you are busy trying to “find” yourself. Life is too short, so take every opportunity you can to give and receive love! You create who you want to be, you will find yourself right inside.

  17. I love this so much I’ve been making it weekly reading for me since I first found it. Such a powerful reminder to wait for right- right guy AND right time. ❤️❤️ Thank you

  18. Very well written Jenny. I enjoyed it and totally agree. Btw, I don't wear a watch; that's how much I hate bad timing. :)
    Love and Light ~ Debra

  19. lpycb42 says:

    Story of my life, right person wrong time/wrong person, right time. Never in my 30 years of age have I ever been in a real, loving relationship that has lasted more than a few months. Most of the time, because either side seems to not be into the other enough. This was a great read for me, since I'm starting to lose faith in finding the right person. So, thanks for that.

  20. @kraluna007 says:

    this is the story of my life I love you guys is a pleasure read those articles!!

  21. Kris says:

    I understand this completely. It's very true, but I do thing that two people can cross each others lives many times. Maybe it's wrong and always will be wrong, or maybe one day it will truly be the right time for both and will finally come to fruition. Either way, what will be will be. You just have to let it happen, or not…

  22. b_joyce says:

    I get this so intensely, so completely right now, that I'm not even moved to tears.(Which is fine because I've shed plenty.) It just makes sense. It is so logical, so true, so simple. It just IS. This is profound in its simplicity. I cannot thank you enough. Your article is helping me to take a big step forward. 3 1/2 years ago, I met the man of my dreams. He knew it, I knew it; it was just our truth. But the timing wasn't right on both ends. Walking away from something like that, walking away from the soul mate you always knew was out there, the one you met and knew and loved, not knowing if the right time will ever come, if your readiness and theirs will ever match up, it is soul crushing, heart stopping, life ending. To move beyond that has been the single most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do, and I don't know if I can ever be successful at it, no matter how hard I try. This article tells me all of the things I needed to hear and says all the things I've wanted to say all at once. I don't know what else to say but thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my damaged but not dead heart.

  23. Jenny Spitzer jenny spitzer says:

    Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It makes my day to know that this article helped in some way. You have a very challenging situation , no doubt. But it seems like you are on the path to doing what is right for you. It stinks when the right thing is the hardest thing. But its also the bravest thing. Be brave. It gets easier. I promise. Much love and light to you. Gratefully, Jenny.

  24. Patty says:

    The most heartbreaking thing is when you meet the right person.. the one who came out of nowhere and made you feel things you’ve never felt before in your life.. but you’re married to someone else. It’s a heartbreak I live with every day. And all the praying, meditating, and swallowing those feelings until you’re numb doesn’t make it go away.

  25. Janne Robinson Janne Robinson says:

    Oh man, killer timing, girl.



  26. Jenny says:

    I'm in such a situation now. Met my soulmate, twin-flame, whatever you want to call him — never experienced such deep love in my life and know how rare it is to find it. And he is 62 and I am 33 and the biological clock is ticking. He has offered to have a child with me, but there are so many negatives and risks associated with it. I also feel I need to sort out of whatever childhood issues I have with family before I can really be at peace with myself. Our age gap is tough. Right person; wrong time. I am tempted to go through "the loophole," because I am afraid of losing the best thing that has ever come into my life.

  27. Jess says:

    WOW! So the right person in the wrong time! This article means so much. I’m in such a challenging situation right now that i don’t know what way is up or down. It is so hard to wait for my feet to follow my heart when i feel that i am in love with someone that may not feel the same as i do. It’s confusing in a situation that it should not be after 4 years. Lost in my own life……and don’t know what way to go!

  28. kim says:

    It is so crazy that we as women waste time on finding the right relationship and when we kissed many frogs when our handsome prince comes along he passes right before out eyes and do not know it. We don’t give him a chance.

  29. Irene says:

    Thank you for this. I met him in a parking lot. We talk, we love, we laugh. Unfortunately I am just getting out of an abusive relationship. He wants all of me and I’m just not quite ready to give my whole self to someone. I need time to heal from the bad relationship. So it has ended. I am heartbroken but need to clean some stuff out of my heart and mind so I am ready to love completely and freely. It sucks. It hurts. It’s just the way it is.

  30. Tee says:

    Thank you so much! I am grateful my soulmate and I crossed paths, but since we are both married it is not the right time. We will continue to see each other in social circles which will be hard, but at least we can keep tabs on each other. The universe threw us together for one amazing night and we will always have that. But we can't leave our marriages so we have to leave each other alone as hard as that is. It was a real awaking for me to look at who I really am and what I need in life. What a major, lovely, sad wake up call it was, and I'm going to use this experience as a catalyst for change, finding direction, and happiness even if it can't be with him right now.

  31. Britney says:

    Thanks Jenny! I’m so glad I came across your article because I really needed to read that. I have a love hate relationship with this article because it describes my current reality…not the one I was hoping for.

  32. Katie says:

    Hi Jenny. I am sorry – I did not get your point. Why should one resist anything let alone love? Isnt the problem usually that we dont allow enough? That we are in the state of dukkha, as the Buddha calls it. Can you elaborate this a bit more? Or is it because I am not a native English speaker or 50+ that I find your post so difficult to understand.

    Thank you,


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