*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal opinion, view or experience of the authors, and can not reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here. 

 

Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this weeks’ Ask Me Anything, elephant journal’s weekly advice column, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, email me at [email protected] or private message me on Facebook.

I look forward to hearing from you!

~

Dear Erica,

I have always struggled with my weight.

Now that I am older, have kids and a full time job, things have gotten out of control. I am at least 50 pounds overweight.

My husband is a great guy, but he—understandably I think, though some people disagree with me—is not attracted to me at this weight. He doesn’t say as much, but our sex life is greatly diminished and I assume this is the cause.

The really bad thing about that is it makes me want to eat even more. I am terrified he will cheat on me, even though he hasn’t given the slightest indication that he would and has always been totally trustworthy.

I feel trapped in this awful cycle. I dread getting up each day. I feel like I am missing my children growing up, I am so absorbed with my problems. I wish I could just go to bed, wake up and be a normal weight and start from scratch. I know know the things I should do, but I can’t sustain my good choices long enough for it to make a difference.

Do you have any advice for me?

~  Addicted To Food

Dear Addicted,

You sound depressed and lonely.

The way I see it, you have one great resource you are not using: your husband.

You mention that he doesn’t find you attractive at your current weight—without his having said or done anything to back that up (his diminished sexual interest could as easily be attributed to your shutting him out as you struggle with these issues.) Instead of making assumptions about his feelings, you should sit down with him and talk about what’s going on—and ask for his help.

This is what marriage partnerships are all about.

With him on your side you may feel your load immeasurably lightened and develop the fortitude to tackle this thing head on. The two of you may choose to involve the whole family, as well. Being brave and open about your difficulties in front of your children and working together as a team is a great example for you to set. You can all learn about making healthier choices together—ideally, you could cook and eat meals together at least a few times a week and work in regular group activities like walks, tossing around a football or taking a bike ride.

By being vulnerable, you allow yourself to be loved even when you aren’t perfect, and you deepen the relationships between you and your family.

This may be a wonderful opportunity to change the way you all think and interact for the better.

~~

Dear Erica,

When I was in high school my sister, two years older than me, died in a car accident.

Her boyfriend was driving the car and he was drunk. My parents never really recovered and haven’t changed her room or anything in it since it happened, 10 years ago now, almost.

The problem is, I’ve recently re-connected to her same boyfriend through Facebook. We got to talking and once we started it was like we couldn’t stop. All these emotions came pouring out of both of us, all this stuff I’d never been able to share with anyone about my sister before, and it was amazing. Even though I know it was his “fault” that my sister died, I have forgiven him and he knows that. Well, we met for coffee eventually and one thing led to another, and now I really feel I am in love with him.

He feels the same way.

Sometimes I wonder if he loves me only because of my connection to my sister—who he said he had planned to marry—but most of the time things are really good. I know my parents are not going to be okay with this. Should I tell them or keep them in the dark? I don’t want to hurt them, but I can’t not date this guy because of the past. Am I betraying my sister somehow by seeing him? I admit, this is weird and complicated and I need some help.

Living Sister

Dear Living,

I am so sorry for your loss.

The death of a sibling, especially at such a young age, creates terrible hurt and confusion for those left behind. You are not betraying your sister by seeing her one-time boyfriend, and if the two of you are truly in love, in time, your parents will hopefully come to accept your relationship– but, and this is a huge but, you need to slow way down.

You say that you’ve only “recently reconnected” with this man, and you describe a flood of emotions regarding your sister when you’re with him. Even if you do come to be in love with him, you can’t possibly know that now.

The waters are far too murky.

You need to enlist the help of a grief counselor—even if you’ve already seen one in the past. You have to sort and sift through the wreckage of your feelings about your sister and her death before you can see your relationship with her old boyfriend clearly.

This guy is in the same boat. You already sense that when you say “sometimes I wonder if he only loves me because of my connection to my sister.” He needs therapy to find some closure about what happened before he can see you as just “you”.

If you both manage to walk through this wall of fire that your sister’s death created and you still have a deep connection to each other on the other side, you will strong and clear enough to honor it.

Hopefully, the other people in your life will then sense the authenticity of that connection—even if it is painful for them or hard to understand—and they will able to live with it.

 

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Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Michael Dorokhov at Flickr