Deep down inside there is an expansive web of interconnected galaxies of nothingness

So encompassing

So barbaric

So ancient

So ginormous

That all day long I fantasize about shrinking it all down into a jam-packed, shrink-wrapped, pea-sized package small enough to fit into the palm of my hand so I can carry it around and show it off to people when they ask: “And who are you?”

But deep down inside it is also neutral

of no importance

this day

this night

this moment

and especially the in-betweens

But deep down inside it is also urgent

immediate in fact

dire, definately

so, f*cking dire

that deep down inside I see myself gripping tightly on to sabotage

so that I can dampen the fire of my own being

before it explodes all over anyone who crosses my path

Because deep down inside I am living alone on a tropical island

feet bare

probably breasts, too

sustaining myself on wild starfruit

and gifts from the sea

alone

freeingly alone

terrifyingly alone

in my knowledge that there is only one way to be

alone

Because deep down inside I know I never wanted to be here

on this earth

that other lands have always tugged at my heart

and that the lessons here are great

but somehow not many

and that the pain will overtake me

leaving me breathless as if for dead

and then just as if joy had never left me, I will stand up again ready to ask once more

what is deep down inside

And deep down inside I know the answer will suck

and I will try to trade it in for a newer, shinier deep down inside

one that is more dramatic

or makes more sense

or matches my shoes

But my deep down inside will call to me again

it always has

in heaves and sobs

heavy, thick tears drenching my collar

and I will gag and ask for mercy

and tell whatever deep down inside that is in front of me to f*ck the hell off

even if it is the beauty of a river

or the glossy scales of a fish

or my own soul speaking the truth

And deep down inside I know this will be my prayer

my only prayer

singing out for all the lost souls

even mine

because this is the only prayer I have ever known

 

Author: Ruth Lera

Editor: Evan Yerburgh

Image: Flickr