I think many of us have been there—it’s a new relationship and things are just clicking.

It’s more than casual fun. It feels light, and easy, but also surprisingly stable. The boxes are definitely checked next to both the mental and physical attraction, as well as that something else that you cannot really explain in words.

Together, you both feel both invigorated and calm. It is similar to that feeling that I get when I am near a rushing river.

It’s more than lust.

It’s a knowing.

We can sometimes experience this sense of “knowing” within even a glance with a total stranger on the street. It is truly a communication of recognition that is nothing short of magical.

It is true connection.

This is love. This is what is underneath everything and it is there between all of us, but easier to feel with certain people. And the surfacing of real love can develop quickly for some, so the question that begs to be answered is this: Why do we feel such hesitation talking about this?

If after dating someone for a short period of time I start to feel this, I first ask myself if I am mistaking love for lust. They present differently within a dynamic—with lust there is urgency, there is fire, which sometimes can even overshadow and inhibit the realizing and feeling the deeper connection of love. It can be difficult if two people go too far into things too soon to allow their true love connection to surface.

But if that feeling—that invigorated and calm sense of knowing this other is really there, why do we hesitate to tell them?

Our culture has developed so many unspoken rules around dating. How soon do we call or text after the first date? Do we kiss on the first date? Do we do more than kiss on the first date? What do we do to show the other that we are interested without appearing to be needy or overbearing while perhaps still respecting our intentions to be authentic and honest in our communication and interactions?

If you’ve found a good flow with any of this, congratulations. In all seriousness, because is not easy.

The biggest question of them all though, is “When is too soon to say ‘I love you’?”

If we agree that love is what is there underneath everything all along, it is never too soon. If I am acknowledging that I am fortunate enough to feel that connection with someone, this should not be something that instigates fear for either party.

But what instigates this hesitation is the fear, and let’s be honest, sometimes downright terror over unhealthy attachment.

If I recognize love early and my partner does not, I run the risk of their fear that there will not be acceptance on my part if they are not feeling this, and perhaps never will. That I will maybe not be able to gracefully accept this truth if that is the case. We have likely seen or experienced this before in our own relationships, and there is a continuum of how not pretty this can be, but it does not have to be this way.

If we want to really go for it, in whatever way feels natural, it can be extremely beneficial to have a real conversation early in the relationship about practicing non-attachment. This means that if it is not a mutual connection, if both parties are not really feeling it and are fully engaged in the dynamic, that acceptance is key. There may be some pain and feelings of loss around this for one or both, but acceptance around this can trump these emotions that can cause us to cling to something that is not healthy nor meant to be.

It should also be clarified that attachment and commitment are two very different concepts. I can be fully committed to a relationship while also committed to reminding myself that the relationship is not permanent—no matter how it plays out, all relationships end eventually and it is within realizing this that we can really love well during our time together.

The time that we spend together when otherwise we would have taken each other for granted is reduced drastically when we realize the brevity of it all.

So, we arrive at the place where we can love at our fullest without holding anything back, at any point in time. We feel that we can say what we are feeling without the fear of breaking any rules, or scaring someone who may not be feeling this, because both parties have communicated a desire to accept the truth of the dynamic, whatever that might be.

If we feel love, we speak of love.

 

 

Relephant: 

44 Reasons Why I Love You.

~

Author: Katie Vessel

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Pixabay