I’ve noticed recently that several of my single guy friends often refer to the “nice guys finish last” phenomenon in dating. I see it posted on Facebook walls and talked about in conversations. After one too many of these types of posts and comments, I decided that I would actually like to challenge the assertion that women don’t want a nice guy.

This is a common misconception that men have about women. It seems that many men are basing this on their experiences of wanting someone who doesn’t want them back. They seem to believe that if they are nice people and they want us, we should want them because they are nice guys.

If we don’t return those affections, we’re subject to have the whole nice guys finish last comments aimed in our direction (which, by the way, isn’t very nice). The reality is that if the object of our affections doesn’t return our feelings, there’s so much more than our personality or effort at play.

Nice is not the only qualifier, guys.

Sure, a lot of us want a nice guy. But attraction is complicated. In the current social climate where online dating is the norm, we’re expected to make decisions based on someone’s profile and the pictures they choose to post. With that tiny bit of information, we may choose to embark on a relationship. Never mind that someone who is not physically our type may be a better fit or someone who looks great and talks a good game might not be for us at all.

Here are a few of the factors I’ve found to be in play when it comes to attraction:

Chemistry

I am personally a strong believer in chemistry. We have it or we don’t, and the only way to know is to have an IRL interaction. Chemistry can’t be manufactured, and I find it impossible to fake. We can turn a meeting without chemistry into a friendship, but what we can’t do is manufacture chemistry to make anyone else feel better. I’m sure there are many scientific reasons for why we’re attracted to some people and not others (symmetry, pheromones, etc.) but it’s probably a waste of time trying to explain that to someone whose interest or affection we simply don’t return. So if the chemistry isn’t there, being nice alone just can’t carry the relationship.

Personality

Additionally, I would assert that physicality is not the only measurement of attraction. I would venture to say that most people find intelligence, generosity, kindness, and thoughtfulness to be attractive qualities in a partner. However, I would go a step further and say that even if we possess all of these qualities, everyone we desire will not reciprocate our feelings. It’s important to remember that someone else’s lack of interest doesn’t really reflect on us so much as upon the fact that it’s not the right match.

But someone’s lack of interest in us also doesn’t reflect on them. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want a nice guy (or girl) just because they didn’t want us, and we’re wonderful.

Past Experiences

I’ve also found that what we’re attracted to at one point in our lives may not be the same at another. I recently had a discussion with a friend about how what we’re attracted to when we’re younger changes over time. We both agreed that as independent women we used to want to pay our own way at every dating encounter; now we mutually assert that it’s nice to feel as if our date cares enough to pay for a nice evening out and that it indicates respect and courtesy rather than infringing upon our independence. Also, we agreed that stability becomes more attractive after we’ve encountered instability along the way in our dating experiences. This definitely has an impact on what we find attractive in the future. There are so many variables that play into dating, which is why I will continue to assert that being nice isn’t the only qualification we want in a significant other.

Self-Esteem

Another important aspect of attraction in dating is the aspect of individuality and wholeness. When a person possesses a healthy sense of self worth and an independent identity, it is very attractive. I can personally attest to the fact that dating someone with low self-esteem is hard work. We are not personally responsible for providing someone with their whole sense of self-worth, and it’s an impossible endeavor to attempt. We must each learn to love ourselves and form a life outside of our relationships in order to be able to thrive within one.

While dating is filled with complications, attraction is really quite simple in the end: either we’re attracted to someone or we’re not. Perhaps our feelings can change over time, but we certainly can’t change anyone else’s feelings. Whether we attribute it to pheromones, chemistry, or what-have-you, we’re drawn to certain people and not to others.

Finding “The One”

This isn’t about women not being attracted to nice guys. Or men not being attracted to nice girls. It’s about each of us looking for our perfect complement. We’re trying to find the ones who are right for us, and sometimes that means having relationships along the way that don’t last because we’re still figuring out who we are and what we want. As long as we’re kind and straight-forward, we shouldn’t be faulted for not falling for some people and instead falling for others (taking into consideration that we’ve truly investigated our own dating patterns and weeded out unhealthy ones).

While that can be a discouraging thought when we’re lonely or when someone we desire doesn’t feel the same, I think that overall it’s actually a source of encouragement. We can focus on the fact that the right person will be drawn to us without the necessity of making a sales pitch of our attractive qualities. We won’t need to do anything but be available to be drawn together.

I, for one, don’t want anyone to be with me simply because I’m “nice,” if I’m not the right person for them. I want to be with someone who thinks I’m pretty f*cking fantastic all around, which factors in the fact that I’m a very loving and affectionate (nice) person. I want mad chemistry and attraction and all of the undefinable qualities. And, yes, I want a nice guy.

Indefinable Characteristics

It can seem impossible to define that certain quality we’re looking for. Or to explain why we’re drawn to some people and not others. That’s the nature of attraction: it’s the sum of chemistry and all the other indefinable characteristics that draw us together with some people but not others. So the next time we’re throwing around this idea of nice guys finish last or we make character judgments about someone who simply didn’t express interest, we need to remember that what’s right for us will just work, and it won’t be about trying to convince someone that we’re right for them.

Nice Guys/Girls

After seeing one too many passive aggressive Facebook posts about how women aren’t really looking for nice guys, I had to have my say. We do want them. We want nice guys, but we don’t think that should be the only qualifier for the relationship we’re seeking. So here it is: We can all breathe easy and do our own thing. The right relationship is out there, and the best way to find it is to live our lives without the added complication of trying to force a relationship to fit that’s just not right. I’ll keep going out on dates until it clicks with someone. As long as the other person is kind, it’s okay if they don’t like me. And it’s okay if I don’t like them as long as I also practice kindness. We’ll keep looking for the right nice person for us.

Nice guys/girls don’t finish last. So we can stop saying that. We can be strong ourselves and keep putting our beautiful, vulnerable hearts out there no matter how many times they get broken because this is how we make ourselves strong. And by being brave in the face of past disappointments, we’ll be available for the one who wants us back.

Not bitter. Not filled with regret. Not longing for those who don’t return our affections. Just ready and available for love to enter our lives.

 

 

 

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Author: Crystal Jackson

Photo: Flickr/EladeManu

Editor: Travis May