March 14, 2011

Yogini in Training Starts a Blog.

Newly Separated at 30 and Reaching Out Into the Blogosphere…

When I began to blog on my own, I had a difficult time convincing myself that people would actually be interested in what I had to say—an honest and valid concern, right? I’m sure my fellow bloggers had similar concerns. I toyed with the idea for a few years but it never amounted to anything until just last week. I finally decided, after a recent event that took place in my life, that I would start writing until there was nothing left to write about! And so it was born, Flow With Grace!

I felt compelled to write but I had nothing to write about, until about four months ago. Up until then, I didn’t believe that I had a valid reason to start a blog. But now I know I do, or at least I hope someone thinks I do!

I think people want to hear about experiences, good or bad, straight from everyday, ordinary people who will tell it like it is. People like me! I want people to know that they are not alone. That what they are feeling and working through are moments that others have successfully gone through before. I want you to know that it’s not the first time that this has ever happened and that, as alone as you may feel, you should have the comfort of knowing that someone (me!) has been through it before and has survived. You have to know and trust that you will be okay. You will be better for it. You will come out on the other end with a clearer understanding of who you are and why you are going through whatever it is you are going through. I am not a millionaire, a celebrity, a doctor or a lawyer, but I might be someone you can relate with. I’m a 30 year old, newly separated yogini in training that just so happens to be living back with my parents, in the same room that I grew up in. That’s it. That’s me, and I am loving, cherishing and learning from every moment. I’ve decided to embrace it all with arms wide open! Don’t get me wrong. Although I am embracing every moment with open arms, it’s often prickly cacti that my arms are wrapping around and I can’t even begin to tell you how many tears I have shed. And from where they keep coming, I have no idea! I don’t think I want to know anyway. After being with my partner for 11 years—one and a half of those years being marriage—I came to the realization that he and I were two best friends, or family members that should not have gotten married. We discussed it, went to marriage counseling and ultimately decided to end it four months ago. One question that I got a lot when the news first broke was, “Really? But you’ve only been married for a year and a half. Did you know this when you got married?” Seriously? Do you really think I would have gone through with the wedding feeling like this? I can’t even begin to tell you how annoying that was. But I suppose people were just shocked, and were trying to understand and make sense of it all. I get that.

Two months before my separation I started a yoga teacher training course. My partner and I had decided, some months before, that we would re-locate and start living our retirement dream! This dream included me becoming a yoga instructor and thus the plans to become a yogini.

Well, two months into the training we separated. Travel dreams were no more but the course was already underway. I remember talking to one of my instructors about what was happening in my life and the fact that I couldn’t believe that I had just started taking this course when my life was entering such chaos. Coincidence? There are no coincidences. I remember him telling me that the teacher comes into your life at the exact moments they are supposed to, whether we realize it or not. I  always felt that I was missing something from my life but wasn’t quite sure what it was. I didn’t feel whole. I didn’t feel like me, and even worse, wasn’t sure what that was supposed to feel like. I certainly wasn’t going to go asking anyone “what am I supposed to feel like?” They would think I was crazy! So I left it. I forgot about it most of the time but it always had a way of sneaking back into that empty space in my heart when I wasn’t looking, leaving me wondering and questioning who I was.

Yoga has introduced me to myself, and my training thus far has been a humbling, gracious, loving and heart-opening experience.

These past six months have been the biggest ones of personal growth I have ever experienced. The moment I surrendered to myself and let myself just be, was the moment I felt that empty space in my heart fill with warmth and love. It was instant. I had been waiting for that moment for such a long time, imagining what it would feel like, to be me. I can only describe it as a feeling of being home. A feeling of being comfortable and familiar in a space that had felt so foreign for such a long time was now the most comfortable space I have ever been in. I feel each breath flow through my body and touch every space within me now. I am still growing and learning but the difference now is that I am doing it with a grounded sense of self. And that, is an amazing feeling. I had a choice four months ago: I could have chosen to feel sorry for myself or I could have chosen to use all of the experiences life put in my path and learn from them, to see them as opportunities of growth and awakening. I have chosen to live this new chapter of my life trusting that each moment will lead to a clearer, fuller one. I trust that each moment was meant to happen at the exact time and place that it was supposed to. I trust that each feeling that has revealed and exposed itself to me has introduced me to a new side of myself I never knew existed.

I do not know what is ahead of me, but I do know that with an understanding of who I am now, I will make decisions from a place of consciousness.

I have chosen to flow through this new chapter of my life with compassion, love and grace. My hope is that you will take from this blog whatever it is you feel you need. I hope that you find safety and love, support and inspiration in my words and that you will also share with me in return. I hope that you can feel the sincerity in what I write as I speak from a place of trust and vulnerability. In my space, you will read about everything from yoga, healthy living, healthy eating, food, wine, life experiences, everyday stuff…and the list goes on. I graciously invite you to leave comments, feedback and suggestions on anything that I write about as well as to suggest topics for review or discussion that are of interest you. I look forward to sharing this journey with you.  


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