June 22, 2011

Lies the Voice Inside my Head Told Me and How It Served Me!


Is Negative Self-Talk Holding You Back? 

We all encounter moments in life, or let’s just get really honest , days in life, where we feel like we can’t make it happen, that we’re not good enough, that we just don’t mean that much and how could we possibly make a difference? Well I’m here to tell you, that is total crap! Those little voices in your head, negative people, the discouraging words, and your ego; those are all the side effects of living on this planet. Any of this sound familiar?

The good news is: you’re not alone. The bad news is: you’re letting it serve you, just like I did. It was hard waking up after years of personal and emotional debauchery, to realize that everything I had done until this moment in time was self defeating.

I was in my early 20’s and my mother passed away of cancer. This was the single most pivotal moment in my life.  As you can imagine, my life took a downward spiral. My mother was perfect in every way. I know, everyone says that. She literally was the love of my life and now she was gone.

The voice inside my head said it was my fault that she died and I believed it. I decided to subconsciously punish myself for not being able to do more to save her.  I was working two jobs at the time and in graduate school working towards my MBA. My life was in shambles and to top it off, I was sick all the time. I had this running joke, that I was allergic to my corporate job. One week it would be pneumonia, another week it would be bronchitis, sinus infections, etc. You name it, I got it. Finally, after three years of misery, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, a rare thyroid disease. Your immune system attacks your thyroid and as a result you get sick a lot.

I kept telling myself, subconsciously of course, that getting sick was my homage to my mother. So what did I do? I continued to plug away at the self-depracating behavior and spiral deeper. The next step was to really screw up, by making terrible financial decisions. I was broke. I didn’t have enough money to pay my bills, let alone file for bankruptcy. My dad had to give me money so that I could file. You can imagine that conversation, not exactly the highlight of my life.

The voice inside my head would say, “you’re not good enough.” I believed it. So the next step was to, subconsciously of course, attract a slew of emotionally unavailable men. Why do you ask? Because I was emotionally unavailable. The mirror that I presented to the world, reflected back on me. I was attracting what I was putting out.

The voice inside my head would say: you don’t deserve a better job, you’ll never make more money, this is as good as it gets, you need the money, just stick it out. I believed it. I worked a long line of disatisfying, dead-end jobs with sometimes abusive employers because I was afraid of leaving. All the while, the voice kept getting louder, saying things like: “what if I couldn’t find another job; what if I would become homeless; I am already broke; I just have to suck it up and deal with it.”

My come to Jesus moment came, after a long day of grueling work. I was emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted. I couldn’t do it anymore. So what did I do? I did what any normal girl does, I quit my job, I packed my bags, booked my flight and got on a plane to go see John of God in Brazil. The whole time my mind was screaming, you’re crazy and you’re going to ruin everything. The only thing I ruined, was my relationship with the little voice inside my head, when I told it to shut the hell up!

John of God is a world renowned spiritual healer. He performs psychic surgeries and channels the energy of saints who have passed on to heal people all over the world, whom have often times been given death sentences by their physicians. I went in hopes of a new beginning. I didn’t go to be physically healed, or at least I didn’t think so.

The energy at “the casa,” an affectionate term to describe where John of God does his work, is the most pristine and beautiful form of energy that I have ever felt. The energy on this compound is of another world where peace, love and faith co-exist. The clarity, sense of focus and affirmation that I received there was unbelievable. The voice inside your head  is non-existent here. The only thing that exists, is your connection to earth,  heaven, humanity and love. I believe with that energy all things are possible. It’s encouraging, supportive, loving, helpful, enlightening, and all encompassing.

I came back knowing that all the lies the little voice inside my head told me, served me because had I not experienced all of the turmoil in my 20’s, I wouldn’t have known what it’s like to be able to live the life I was born to lead; A life where my dreams come true and everything is possible. Fast forward 12 years, and that girl that suffered throughout her 20’s, is unrecognizable to me. We’re not meant to suffer. We all have a story and regardless of where you’re going, where you came from and where you are now, you can change your situation.

Life isn’t always perfect, but I now recognize when the little voice tries to get in and I have through diligent hard work found the “energy” tools (meditation, classical feng shui, goal writing and taking action) to shut it out and to live the life I was born to lead. By learning to manage my own energy, and making the energy in my own space supportive, I am now for the first time in my life, able to achieve all my goals. I encourage you to do the same and one by one, we can start changing the world, by changing ourselves first.

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