The Orgasmic Life: Want Orgasm? Let the Love in. {Adult} ~ Candice Holdorf

Via Candice Holdorf
on Nov 3, 2012
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“You should do whatever feels right in your deepest heart. Feel deep as consciousness, open as water, now, and feel how to live with a wide-open heart. Feel how to live as love without bondage.” ~ Wild Nights, by David Deida

I get a lot of emails from men and women wanting the elusive answer to the never-ending question:

How can I (or how can I get her to) have an orgasm?

First piece of advice: Stop Trying. No. Really. Take the pressure off of yourself or your partner to ‘make something happen.’ The more we clamp down and ‘effort’ ourselves into an experience that we think we should be having, the more we distance ourselves from the rich world of sensation that exists right here in the present.

Second piece of advice: Redefine “Orgasm.” Many people have a very limited view of what we consider to be orgasm, thanks to a lack of sound erotic education and the prevalence of porn and soap operas as our dubious teachers on sex and relating. Most of us believe that orgasm is this fleeting, 30-second event where you buildup a lot of energy until you can’t hold it anymore, go over a sharp edge and have some sort of crashing release.

While this experience (which I call ‘climax’) may be a part of orgasm, it is only a tiny hiccup on the spectrum of possibility. To me, orgasm is the pulsing breath of life that births every moment. Orgasm is the chilly tickle on the edge of my skin as my lover draws his tongue from the edge of my ear to the tip of my nipple. It’s the warm flush in my face and genitals when I reveal a taboo desire.  It is the fire of my hunger and the blazing force that opens me to pleasure.

Which takes me to my third piece of advice: Receive. Let the love in. Our ability to experience orgasm is directly proportionate to our ability to receive pleasure. Very often, we have a lot of ideas that sit on top of and stifle our pleasure:

I don’t deserve to feel this good.
If I let this in, what do I have to give up in return?
I don’t want to tell him what I want because it will hurt his feelings.
If I ask for what I want, I will look like a bitch.
Everyone can have this except me.
I can’t do this with someone unless I know we are getting married.
I should just go along with this because I don’t want to look like I’m frigid.
I don’t want him to think I’m a kinky nympho.

However, when you admit the truth about your desire, love yourself enough to ask for it and stay connected to the sensation along the way, a world of orgasmic pleasure opens up to you—and rather than orgasm being this nebulous pinball that sometimes pings in the jackpot every once in a while, it becomes an infinite banquet that fills the hungry void that we often stuff with sugar, shopping or junk-food sex.

So what exactly does “let the love in” mean?

Well, first, it means slowing down enough to be present with what is. It also means being humble and gracious enough to honor the miracle of your very existence right now. It means acknowledging your own desire. Perhaps you are having sex with someone with whom you don’t really want to be having sex. Can you love yourself (and the other person) enough to tell the truth? Or perhaps your partner is offering exquisite attention on your navel and your brain is freaking out about how you have to reciprocate? Can you love yourself and your partner enough, to breathe, relax and feel (and maybe even whisper the words “thank you”).

Orgasm has very little to do with technique and lot to do with state of mind.

First of all, orgasm is our own responsibility. No one can “do it” for us or “give it to us.” Yes, other people may facilitate the opening (and we dearly, dearly thank them for it), but our orgasm depends on our own ability to stay relaxed, receptive and present with what is. Also, if a woman doesn’t feel safe in any way, she will not enter a state of orgasm. This is why conscious explorations of erotic pleasure and practices of surrender (like Orgasmic Mediation) are powerful tools on your sexual journey.

For example, the other day I was having sex and while he was inside me, I could hear a cacophony of voices wondering if he was having a good time and if I was “doing it right.” Instead of staying caught in my mind, I chose to breathe, slow down and simply feel the sensation of our sex. I noticed the tiny sparks on the lower walls of my pussy. I noticed the pulsation around my lips. I noticed how deeply he was feeling me and riding our edge. I noticed the variety of strokes he made—from long and languorous to soft and still to powerful and rough.

I surrendered to the pleasure of our experience and allowed the orgasm to overflow. I thought to myself, “I feel so fully loved right now, by my self, by life, by this man, by my body, that I am going to pour love onto this man through his cock.” And from there, I simply let orgasm take the reigns.

When you answer the questions “What is my desire?” and “Am I staying connected to the sensation?” you invite an honest inquiry into the inner landscape of your sex. You begin to see orgasm as a curious friend, rather than an ephemeral foe. Orgasm becomes a lifelong journey, a state of being and a passage to grace. It’s often a fiery and clunky ride, but if you can remember to let the love in (and to share in your abundance), you’ll find yourself deepening your intimacy, feeling so much more in your body and having a hell of a lot of fun.


Article adapted from its appearance in Straight Up Love


Editor: Kate Bartolotta

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About Candice Holdorf

Candice Holdorf is a writer, performer, sex + life coach and Orgasmic Meditation trainer. She is currently working on her book, “From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.” You can pre-order your copy here. She is a writer for elephantjournal and The Good Men Project, as well as a performer and public speaker specializing in desire, sexuality and Orgasmic Meditation. She is also a former yoga teacher and recovering anorexic who has discovered that there is tremendous power inside of hunger. Find out more about Candice on her blog, follow her on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube


8 Responses to “The Orgasmic Life: Want Orgasm? Let the Love in. {Adult} ~ Candice Holdorf”

  1. Love says:

    This is an awesome article. I tried explaining an orgasm to my friend who told me not every woman can have an orgasm which I didn't think was exactly true. I have an orgasm almost every time I have sex with my boyfriend and I agree with everything she has stated in the article. Your state of mind, openness, and willingness to relax and love is your doorway to an orgasm. I really like how she says an orgasm can be many things, like a sweet touch, and not just your basic "porn" orgasm. And I really like how she makes it your responsibility because in a big way I believe it is too. You have to be honest with yourself and with your partner. They will really appreciate it in the end. Thank you for the good read!!

  2. Thank you so much for reading! I am glad it spoke to you and think it's great that women are starting to have a dialogue about this 🙂

  3. Deborah says:

    Hmmm… while I agree that the sexual experience is a WHOLE body, whole head, whole heart experience, there is actual physiological function to an orgasm. Men rarely write expositions on how to have an orgasm. Stop analyzing and start BEING THERE. (part of your point, yes,) but we need more than philosophy; we need to claim our bodily functions, and CELEBRATE them! Period

  4. Yes of course. Knowing anatomy, etc is vital. This is not an either/or discussion. But just as one can learn the notes and chords and workings of a guitar, it is only through hours of curious, relaxed, concentrated, fearless inquiry that one cultivates a relationship to the music. The same applies to orgasm.

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