10 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman (That Have Nothing to Do with Looks).

Via Damien Bohler
on Feb 16, 2013
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I love women.

I love the way they seem to always smell good; how they can change topics five times a minute while talking with their girlfriends and yet it makes sense to them.

I love the way women touch and kiss me and the way they surrender when orgasming.

This is a response to Melanie Curtin’s article celebrating the masculine 10 Things I Find Sexy About Men (That Aren’t All About Sex); thank you, Melanie, for seeing the masculine and admiring our strengths and gifts as men—for seeing our inherent sexiness and for being turned on by us.

Reading your article, I felt excited to be a man, as all the things you have listed feel good for me also. I feel seen, loved and proud to be masculine and to enjoy the amazing feminine that you and all the other women out there embody.

After reading your article, I was inspired to write an equal celebration of the feminine and express my appreciation of woman’s inherent sexiness and the turn-on I feel by that.

I love the shape of their bodies, how it curves as a complement to mine and is soft even when it’s firm.

I love that we are different and the way we arrange and think about life is different, although may seem similar from the outside.

I love the way we balance each other out and when we come together as man and woman, something unique arises for both of us.

The feminine has me in awe and I am most inspired to hold the stage so that you blossom and radiate and bring forth that love the universe thrives on so we may play and love freely enjoying this…whatever this is. All right, all right that is a getting a bit too flowery. Let’s get on with it!

10. Sassiness

A woman who isn’t afraid to express her boundaries clearly and playfully is hot.

I didn’t even know this word until about six months ago when I met a woman who embodied sassiness to me, and damn, was it sexy. She took no shit from nobody; her attitude was fun and snappy and I found myself enjoying it immensely, even when I was on the receiving end of it.

I see sassiness as a woman’s ability to hold to her own intentions in a way that is clear, direct and playful. It is when she can snap out saucy one-liners that state what her boundaries are in a way that leaves room for playful banter and further exploring those boundaries. She is telling me what is and isn’t okay and she is giving me the space to play with that, to lean into it and see what is a solid boundary and what is negotiable.

Knowing her boundaries, I get to know her more; it is an opportunity for opening and connecting, when I am solid enough to not turn into a big suck if she blows me off.

9. Freely Expresses her Moods

This one used to bother and confound me (a lot) until I got into a better relationship with the emotionality of the feminine and began to see how awesome the full spectrum of it is.

I love how in tune women are with their emotions and how expressive and honest they are. How, when she is in a loving mood she will randomly show me affection, cuddling me from behind or kiss me out of nowhere and when the storm is swirling inside of her, how powerful her wrath can be. And, when I settle into myself and enjoy the show, all of it is fun and damn, a woman can be incredibly sexy in her wrath.

And, most of all I love that when I am fully with her, whatever mood she’s in, it’s always an opportunity for opening and deeper connection.

make up free mondays

8. Takes Care of Herself

One of my favorite things is to lie in bed and watch a woman prepare herself for the day. Watching her apply various lotions, moisturizers and makeup that I have absolutely no idea about; seeing her get dressed—and a woman never wears the first thing she puts on—there is always at least one change if not more. To go into the bathroom and see a rack of various shampoos, soaps and creams.

That a woman carries around a handbag, a clutch, a satchel, or a whatever. (I didn’t even know what a clutch was until a woman friend told me about it earlier this week!) That she has a huge collection of shoes and clothes, and that she has her favorites which are on rotation—and that she has the ability to dress for any event.

I love how a woman will even be thinking about what she is going to wear days before any event.

I know how much effort you women put into yourself and we appreciate it and enjoy it. We may not know exactly what you’re doing, we notice, (even when we act like we don’t).

A woman’s appearance is art in motion; it is a creative process that I have little idea of. Manicures, pedicures, shaving, waxing, you name it! And then, she finishes dressing and tells me to hurry up. I put on my pants and shirt in two minutes and am waiting by the door while she is still applying the finishing touches.

7. Takes Care of Sh*t!

This is also a cliché, yet I find it so true. I know how to wash my own clothes and fold them (sort of); I can keep a house clean and pay bills. I have even mended my own stuff with a needle and thread on the odd occasion and yet, I do none of it well. My clothes are never as clean or smell as good as when a woman washes them; I have no idea how to remove a stain and I tend to throw stuff onto shelves or into drawers as they never fold quite right. I also hate paying bills and having to follow the in and out flow of money (luckily I currently have zero bills in my life).

Women are just better at this stuff and when I have a woman who takes care of this, it makes my life less stressful. Let’s swap. I’ll take care of all the “manly” stuff; fixing and moving heavy stuff around and you can take care of the womanly stuff and make things look and smell good!

6. Appreciates my Help

Source: via Sharyl on Pinterest

Truly helping a woman out makes me feel awesome. When I can give her a piggyback ride across a puddle or move something heavy for her and when she is genuinely grateful for my help.

Some women refuse help when offered and that makes me sad, hey, most of us don’t want anything in return. So, when a woman asks, or graciously accepts help, it’s sexy because we both get to feel good.

5. Her smile

I love it when a woman smiles; I mean really smiles, in a way that her heart and soul shine. It doesn’t matter what it’s directed at, it could be a baby, a puppy, a cute animal, her boyfriend, husband or even better, at me!

Any which way, every time a woman smiles that beautiful smile a fairy is born and the world becomes a slightly more beautiful place.


4. The Way She Moves

It doesn’t matter how a woman dances, just that she feels the music and lets it move her.

There was one young woman, a friend and I, met a while ago while traveling to an island in Thailand. She danced in a way that I had never seen before; bobbing up and down and her tongue would poke out of her mouth occasionally in this incredibly cute way.

It wasn’t particularly sexy, in the way we generally think about sexy dancing, yet both my friend and I were so captivated by the way she moved and enjoyed the music that we danced with her for several hours straight. It was a turn-on as she was dancing in a way that was her expression and that is what is sexy.

Of course it is also hot when a woman does dance sexy, and dances with her friends, and yes, dances with me!

3. Communicates Honestly and Openly

As adults, we can communicate as such. I find it incredibly attractive when a woman can communicate clearly. I am a pretty sensitive guy in terms of being able to feel and interpret people’s emotions, but I’m still a guy and my powers in that field pale in comparison to a woman’s awareness of subtle nuances of feelings and emotions.

Sometimes, I just don’t know what you are feeling and why and when you can tell me clearly whatever it is that is going on for you in the moment; it makes it so much more rewarding and easy to be with you. I appreciate you for exploring what is actually going on with me, so that we can find a way to mutually avoid conflict.

Bravely following the thread whether it leads us to hurt, pain or otherwise, we’re opening ourselves up.

2. Trusts Me

couple in fieldIn the past, women in my life never seemed to have trouble deciding where to go or what to eat. The fact that they looked at me to make the decisions put stress and pressure on me. I used to scream in my head, “Why can’t she just choose?”

Now, I see that as a total cop-out, as the man, I am privileged when she asks me to take the lead. I now thoroughly enjoy having some kind of plan or idea of where we are going and what we’re doing; I like to design a date in line with what a particular woman inspires in me to explore, or to spontaneously see what happens as we come together in our own unique way. I like to make it mysterious and fun, an adventure that we get to act out together and however it may unfold, it is so sexy when a woman can trust me and go along with me.

Whatever happens, I will take care of her and for the duration of our time together my biggest responsibility is for her to feel safe and enjoy the hell out of herself!

And together, we join in a dance that never quite fits what I had envisioned and is almost always way better than I expected as she brings along her own flavor and radiance to the experience. This trust can go deeper than just a date. When she sees my honesty and authenticity and trusts me, that’s just hot. Then, I can relax and open up also.

1. Shares her feelings

This is something new to me. More lately, the women in my life express to me how they feel in their body in the moment when I do or say something. And, it is incredibly sexy.

In that moment of them expressing themselves I feel very close to them, there is a circuit that is completed between us and we are dropping into the present moment.

A somewhat tame example of this (and I have other examples that are way hotter) was when I was sitting holding hands under the table with a cute girl that I like. She said, quietly to me only, that when she’s with me she has butterflies in her stomach. Wow! To share something like that with me, about me, feels incredible. She was being vulnerable, letting me know that I actually have an impact on her, and that’s very, very sexy!

In these moments I feel most like a man, knowing that this woman with me truly feels something by my very presence, that me being myself has moved her.

Anytime a woman shows her vulnerabilities; anger, hurt, fear or sadness, it allows us to be closer to one another and go deeper. I think this ability is one of the cornerstones of having an authentic relationship. And that is what I think everyone is truly looking for, whether they are aware of it or not.


Like elephant journal gets sexy on Facebook.

Assistant Ed: Karla Rodas/Ed: Bryonie Wise


(Source: leoswanderlust.tumblr.com via Michele on Pinterest)







About Damien Bohler

Damien Bohler is a nomadic soul increasingly delighted by his existence on this strange and wonderful planet. He enjoys writing, climbing trees, walking barefoot, permaculture, integral theory and holding optimistic idealism for the potential of the human species. You can like his Facebook page and be informed about his upcoming book series "Evolutionary Relating", read his other writings at his website, MonkeysCorner or be his Facebook friend .


87 Responses to “10 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman (That Have Nothing to Do with Looks).”

  1. melodie says:

    I love this article. It made me smile from ear to ear. Made me feel good for being a woman and sharing those gifts with the men in my life.Thank-you for writing it.

    From what I got from number 7, you like being taken care of or cared for. The thing is the phrasing comes off as "women are better at house work, they do it better than any man can". These are skills and not naturally inherent to women. It's part of our current reality that women tend to do a kind of "double duty". We are "naturally" better at house work and there for should do most of it and work as well. These assumptions are so ingrained in our culture that we don't even think about them. I however think it is important to point out. We can only change what we are aware of.

    I love men and I know that you are not somehow deficient in your ability to do laundry and pay bills. Practice makes perfect!

    Thank-you again for writing such a thoughtful article.

  2. Monkey says:

    Hi Melodie, I am glad I got you smiling! 🙂
    Sure I like being taken care of in some ways that I am not as good as doing for myself. And as I mentioned I can get laundry done and pay bills and all of that stuff and it's not to say that every woman is amazing at it or whatever… yet in general, as far as generalities go, what I see is that these things seem to matter more to women and I do think that woman are naturally better at these things, just like men are naturally better at construction and fixing things. This is not to say that either of us cannot get better in either way… what I have found though is there is this fear of acknowledging this like it is somehow 'weaker' or less to show these feminine traits… for me I want to celebrate them and I am incredibly thankful when I have someone in my life who does balance me out in this way.
    And this is not to say that women cannot be incredibly successful in any area of their life they choose to be, for sure!
    I also hear what you are saying about double duty and it is not what I want to suggest at all, I am more interested in finding ways to support each other by valuing and honouring our own particular strengths and gifts and contributing to each others lives in this way. How can we make each others lives easier?

  3. […] I just published my first article anywhere other than here on this blog! It’s a big thing for me and from the feedback I have […]

  4. Maggie McReynolds says:

    I have some really mixed feelings about this piece. I love that you appreciate a woman holding boundaries (though you seem to only like it if she expresses them playfully, as opposed to stating them directly). I love that you like to see women taking care of themselves (but you talk exclusively about the way we tend to our appearance–despite the title of your piece , , , where is your appreciation for us eating well, or working out, or getting mammograms, or something that takes care of our bodies, not just the pretty part for you to admire?) You write a few times about coming to appreciate some of these things only "recently," so I get that you're learning and growing. But honestly? What I mostly hear in this piece is that you appreciate that women make sure they look pretty for you, that women can take care of your shit, that women make you feel big and strong by allowing you to lift heavy objects and hoist them over puddles, and that they share their feelings with you–as long as those feelings are about you.

    Truly, perhaps I'm misreading. But while I applaud your intent, many of the specifics in this piece made me cringe a little. Where is your appreciation for a woman's strength, independence from you, and thoughts, feelings and opinions about things that have nothing to do with you?

  5. Kelly says:

    I really, really enjoyed this piece! I have to disagree with Maggie on this one. I think that the majority of us try to get ready in the morning and get pretty for ourselves, not necessarily for men. But when a man appreciates our efforts, that is really nice! A perk! Men and women compliment each other in so many ways. We can take advantage of a man's strength and ability to make decisions easily and, in turn, men can take advantage of our softness, our opinions and our ability to smooth out any situation. Yes, women are strong and independent…but we are also more than that. We are creatures of love. I think the ability to understand our strengths and weaknesses in one another is amazing and helpful.

  6. Amber says:

    can't dance. don't wear makeup. generally don't have time to be indecisive about clothes.
    so. yeah. guess i don't qualify.

  7. Mia says:

    Woman are not looking after themselves when they apply lotions and makeup. They are applying chemicals to the body which are harmfull and cause cancer. 🙁

  8. Karen says:

    Like Maggie, I appreciate your intent with this article, it's clear, you love women – hooray! Maybe the title could have been "10 Things I find Sexy in Some Women Who Wear Make up, Are Good at Tidying Up and Are Small Enough for Me To Pick Up and Carry and May or May not Be Representative of All Women in General".

    Perhaps a few more proof reads and editing from some women (if they weren't too busy cleaning, putting on makeup or waiting patiently by the side of a puddle for you to come and carry them over to the other side) could have turned this into a very well written, very personal piece of writing about your desires and preferences for your choice of feminine match to your masculine. As is, the gross generalisations about women "Women are just better at this stuff" leave a slight "I just vomited in my mouth a little" taste in the mouth.
    I would write more, but I'm off to patch and paint a wall ALONGSIDE my mate and later today we'll clean the house and prepare food for the family TOGETHER.

    PS Men share feelings too – a somewhat "tame example": My husband couldn't bear reading the main article alongside me, he left the room saying it made him have stomach cramps and was quite embarrassed as if he might be somehow associated with the comments made in the article.

  9. pagz says:

    I think what makes me sad about this article is I really believe it's an honest attempt by the writer to not be misogynistic. He really thinks he's being a modern man of the world. Unfortunately What he thinks he's doing and what he's actually done are two very different things. This piece is dripping with misogyny. It's not the bold, in-your-face misogyny that's easy to spot and speak out against, it's a much more subtle misogyny that is trying to masquerade as respect.

    He thinks he's being charming when he talks about "Sassiness" but really he's being creepy and entitled. "She is telling me what is and isn’t okay and she is giving me the space to play with that, to lean into it and see what is a solid boundary and what is negotiable." You know what's not okay? playing with anyone's boundaries. What's being said is it's okay for women to have boundaries, so long as he's allowed to challenge them and maybe even push past them. He doesn't respect her boundaries, he thinks it's cute that she's asserting her own authority over herself. He's allowing it, but he's still going to let her know who's *really* in charge by "playing" with those boundaries. It's a game to him. That's messed up.

  10. lucy says:

    What I appreciate about your article is that it defines the differences between men and women. I have always said men and women are not created equal and these are the best reasons why. Don't confuse that with the thought that women can't do what men can or vice versa but there are distinct differences that I very much enjoy! In gratitude…

  11. Jeremy says:

    First of all, thank you for writing this article. I also thought about it,but hadn't gotten my head around parts yet. Next, to some of the comments: in the comments to the original article, some said it's sad that a male version won't be written. Please honor what was put forth here, and the intent behind it.

    #10: Hard lines are great too. When a friend's wife told him, "I am pissed right now, and you can help a lot by going away and taking care of the baby." … I was in awe.

    #8: The beauty of the Mysteries, whatever they may be. This includes knowing how to relax, match clothes, and make the simplest item part of a greater whole.

    #7: In my experience, at least, men are better at short 'get er done' projects, while women have the patience for longer ongoing projects. I love watching things like a weaving circle, where women sit, chat, and slowly a wondrous creation unfolds. In 10 minutes, I would have been wondering when it would end, or what else I could be doing. Childbirth is the extreme version here, and the grace and patience I've seen from my wife is amazing…

    #2: Thank you especially for the wording on this. When my wife said she would follow me any where in the world, it was an honor, a privilege, and an opportunity to be worthy of her unconditional trust. It has also been a lesson in how absolutely powerful surrender can be.

    Finally, The Masculine isn't always a man, and The Feminine isn't always a woman. I'm talking energy, hormones, traits. It gets harder and more confusing when you step off the stereotypical path, but it's just as valid.

  12. Monkey says:

    Hey Maggie, those are great points!

    It's a list of 10 things… and absolutely if I had given myself more time and thought to fully fleshing out the full intent of every point I made I would have for sure included eating well, working out, connecting to nature, meditating, etc! I guess in my own mind they are implicit in the point of taking care of oneself… yet it would have been nice to explicitly state them too.

    By stating boundaries playfully it is my way of saying I like it when a woman isn't a downright bitch! Directly and playfully, in my mind, are not contradictory of one another… playfully implies to me that even though a boundary is completely clear, there is still room to connect, she has not slammed the door shut in a way that could have us both confused and frustrated.

    Obviously this could be refined and refined until every single nuance is well stated, and there is a part of me that would like nothing more than to do that… and well, it's been submitted now so I have to deal with it.

    Also there is absolute appreciation for all of those things you mention, strength, independence from me, thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with me…. and well it is an article saying that these are things I find sexy, is it wrong for me to enjoy most the things that do have to do with me?

  13. Monkey says:

    Nice Kelly, and that was my intention… to show that I (and hopefully lots of other men) appreciate the time you put into feeling and looking good for you!

  14. Monkey says:

    I agree with this in general, and personally prefer as natural as possible… I could definitely have done with a re-write for that point… I am not an advocate of toxic chemicals.

    My point would have been much better stated as all the things that are healthy for oneself… and I still wanted to honour that part of a woman that wants to put the lotions and make-up on anyway.

    Plus there are an increasing amount of healthy alternatives these days that I sincerely wish moves the market in that direction overall.

  15. Monkey says:

    Thanks Jeremy!

  16. Monkey says:

    I think that is your far-reaching interpretation and imagination.

    Some boundaries are negotiable, sometimes they are thrown up through fear of past hurts or some other condition in the moment and when given the time and care to actually look at can willingly dissolve.
    Some are non-negotiable, and with a bit of care, attention and respect it is not difficult to find out which is which.

    I don't like you assuming (making an ass out of u and me) you know what I am thinking.

  17. Monkey says:

    Thanks Karen and it is absolutely great you do these things together with your mate.

    From my own experience, and maybe it is just me, most women I know are better at those things than me… and I am completely thankful for it.
    Hey I cook and wash the dishes and participate in any and all household chores, doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that quite a few of those a woman is usually better at than me… and I am happy when she takes care of them!
    And while I know how it became such a dirty thing to even consider suggesting anymore that there should be any such thing as gender differences… I personally like the fact that there are. And I also like that they are flexible, that as you give in your example, we can help each other out.

    And the make-up part… yes I am regretting not putting better wording for that. It's the first piece I have ever had published and is a learning experience, I'll make sure to proof-read my own writing more before submitting next time.

  18. Monkey says:

    Anyone can dance, it's just moving while music is playing.
    Make-up is irrelevant and its more about just taking the time to look after yourself, however that is for you.

    Can you smile? Be emotional? Vulnerable? Honest? Trust? Appreciate? Define your own boundaries?

    There is no woman that doesn't 'qualify'… your being is inherently beautiful and sexy.

    Unfortunately a few specific details prevented that message from being fully seen.

  19. donutszenmom says:

    It's hard to see one's own entitlement, Monkey. Instead of rebuttal, why not respect women enough to really consider this perspective?

  20. Monkey says:

    Sure I can see a perspective, and it's not one I practice or intended in my article.

    It's so easy to take anyone's article and pick it apart based on little details that are often an interpretation of the person reading and their own viewpoints rather than what is actually in the words.

    and in this case you are also making an assumption, that I don't respect women, based on what now?

  21. donutszenmom says:

    Based on your sweeping generalizations and your belief that what you find charming in these generalizations is important. That's pretty much the epitome of entitlement. Here's a question: Would you write articles about what you find awesome about black people and what's totally cool about gay people? And if you did, would you want them to be pleased that you're so happy with them as a group?

  22. nisha says:

    Women have greater attention to detail ( I find) and there is nothing wrong with balancing out a man in the laundry department. I love the freedom of being a woman and letting a man do some stuff for me, be chivalrous and caring. the same way I love cooking for my man and doing his laundry. It's not that I have to do this out of obligation. I ENJOY IT and I do it out of love. And it's not that I can't change my own lightbulbs or make my own way over a puddle- I love to see my man express his care for me in his own little ways, and I need to give him the space to do this.

    I'm pretty sure he didn't mention rubbing carcinogens into skin either. It's an entire article people, READ the whole thing. He's not celebrating subservience by any means. He likes a woman who doesn't take shit – and he's replying to all the criticism diplomatically I must say 🙂

    Keep in mind this article is called "10 things I find sexy in a woman…" – 'I'. And I feel like a sexy WOMAN for all of the reasons above.

  23. kmacku says:

    "Perhaps a few more proof reads and editing from some women (if they weren't too busy cleaning, putting on makeup or waiting patiently by the side of a puddle for you to come and carry them over to the other side) could have turned this into a very well written, very personal piece of writing about your desires and preferences for your choice of feminine match to your masculine."

    The editors are clearly named at the bottom of the article. While I haven't met either personally, I'm 99% sure both are women. And I frankly disapprove of your insulting them. How childish. If you have anger towards the author, fine, but to attack the editors for taking some of their busy time to make what may have been an even more polarizing article more readable is just rude, dare I say "unfeminine."

    And if your husband has cramps reading this, he should really try Twilight.

  24. Maggie McReynolds says:

    In response, I don't really see things as good/bad, right/wrong. You have a point of view; I have a point of view. We don't have to agree, which makes the human experience pretty damn interesting (and no, I'm really not being sarcastic!).

    Without knowing your age, Damien–and it doesn't matter, anyway–I guess my bottom line viewpoint on your piece is that this seems only partially thought out, and, to my very subjective mind, immature but growing. To me, this is the way a young but eager-to-grow-and-learn young man looks at women: as spirited "little" fillies whose boundaries and (cliched observation) dithering about clothes, and (another cliche) extended make-up routines are adorable, as of indulging a child in her eccentricities.

    I do believe you love those things about women–and I hope (think) you get that not all women are like this. Maybe those women are not for you. I don't hammer my guy over the head with my boundaries, but when we talk about boundaries (his or mine) we are generally fairly serious about it. There isn't room for negotiation–that's why we call them boundaries–but there is certainly room for the other to express their feelings about it, and room for how to handle that boundary in a way that respects the needs of both. And no, we aren't terribly horridly earnest about it–I'm actually a comedy writer. It's almost impossible for me to be earnest about anything.

    I wear make-up–less as I've grown older–and yes, part of the reason I do so is to look nice for my guy. It's about a five-minute routine. I don't believe you were advocating toxicity. I do think you might have been unintentionally patronizing.

    There are things I do better than my guy (cooking is one of them)–but there are things he does better that aren't specifically male vs female traits. He's better at organizing/packing. He's better at doing the laundry. In other words, he's better at the things I know have to get done but really don't give a shit about, and vice versa: he would just as soon have yogurt and shredded wheat for diner.

    Do I like that he's stronger than me? Yeah, actually, after many years of being with a man who was more or less my exact weight and size, I do, I'll confess. But I don't find it cute or something to worship, either. It's just an is.

    In answer to your question, Damien, is it wrong for you to value most the things that affect you? No, it's not wrong. But it's a narrow perspective and it's, I hope, something you're learning and feeling your way through. I think many of us find the way others operate in the larger world VERY sexy, in ways that have nothing directly to do with us (but a lot to do with the energy our partners bring home).

    I think your intent is great, and honestly expressed. I just don't think you thought this one out thoroughly–or, perhaps, are still working this out for yourself. You sound like an open-minded guy, willing to evolve. I hope you open up your view of women to include admiration and respect for their ways of being in the world that have no direct effect on you whatsoever. Because an empowered woman (or man) doing amazing work in the world is one of the sexiest things ever.

  25. DaveTelf says:

    The editors with elephant edit for form and readability (ie short paragraphs), not content.

    I took Karen's comment not as an attack on the editors, but as a suggestion to the writer to have a lady-friend or two read it over before submitting an article that is clearly going to cause a reaction, one way or the other.

    I find your passive-aggressive knock on Karen's husband to be just rude.

  26. DaveTelf says:

    That's the whole trick though isn't it? In writing, all you have are the words. What you think/feel/intend/do is not included unless it is shown in the words. Now people are reading the words and reflecting back you what was communicated to them.

    It occurs to me that, this being your first piece, you didn't know quite what you were getting yourself into with this subject matter. On polarizing topics such as this, people are always going to examine every sentence for any trace of misogyny or a patronizing tone, so those sentences had better be well-wrought and air-tight.

    Otherwise, well, you see what happens…

  27. Karen says:

    And I, kmacku to quote another misguided man "don't give a damn" whether you think I'm childish. It seems a childish grasp on comprehension if you didn't realise I was suggesting the author use an extensive team of editors before releasing contentious articles out into the world. (As opposed to attacking the Elephant journal editors)

    Thank you for your response Monkey, it does show me what I hoped to be true: that your intention and the outcome were two different things.
    There's some great advice in the comments about how to approach waiting on these sensitive issues, I particularly agree with DaveTelf's comments about writing on polarising topics.

  28. kmacku says:

    This is not a childish grasp on comprehension, ma'am. The statement which I quoted singled out those who proofread and edited the article and accused them of not doing their job to your satisfaction. If you wanted to correct him on the content of the piece, then you should have suggested that he had a few of his earlier drafts audience-tested or peer-reviewed, *not* edited. That's an entirely different part of the publication process. Drafting is done by the author, editing and proofreading by the editors. Whether or not you *intended* to, you attacked the editors.

    However, yes, I gathered (rather, hoped) that you didn't intend to attack the editors; that would be silly, and absolutely childish as you so accuse. You had an emotional response and unleashed it before knowing what unintended effect it would have on any audience who might read it. This is the exact same wrong you discovered in Monkey (using your own words again: "[Your response] does show me what I hoped to be true: that your intention and the outcome were two different things.") I'm illustrating how both your criticism and later revelation also applies to your statements. Was I rude? Yes. So was the initial response to the author. Rudeness and aggressiveness were within my intention.

    My caution to you in moving forward is this: choose your words more carefully. That's all. You can criticize without attack. Unless of course that was the intention in the first place (though I gather from this latest response to Monkey that it wasn't).

  29. Damien I am really appreciating that you took the time to write what is true for you regarding your appreciation of women. What I find even more fabulous is that you got your inspiration from reading Melanie's piece. Sharing what is true for oneself can be extremely vulnerable and you went ahead and did so anyway. I think of myself to be a pretty open minded free spirited independent woman. That said reading some of the comments that other women have written I find myself shutting down. I find myself annoyed that you are sharing what is so for you and you alone. You were not speaking for all men. You were sharing what you celebrate about women. This is your way of honoring us. Yet rather than see that and getting excited that someone took the time to celebrate the feminine and share their heart, they took the time to share what was wrong with your opinions, and how it could have been said better. I get we all have the freedom to comment and share the impact of your piece or any piece for that matter but I am left wondering how these people react to loved ones in their own lives when they take the time to share themselves. Are they listening openly without judgement? Are they celebrating the person for what they have to say regardless if they agree? Are they even fully listening, or do they already have a comeback for what has just been shared? Or are they waiting to state what they feel and how they agree or disagree with what had been shared? I am honored you chose to share yourself here and trust however it may unfold. I am also excited you took time to celebrate we women.

  30. Monkey says:

    Sure… and misogyny is a hell of a leap to make for an article posted on a website like this.

    I think seeing such things in the writing, when hundreds of other people don't see that, says more about the person reading than the writing itself.

  31. Monkey says:

    Wow, thank you Sandy.

  32. DaveTelf says:

    There are thousands of people who have read this article and not taken the time to comment. Let's not assume we know how they feel about it. Although, given that thousands of people have seen it, many readers must have shared it, and therefore found it valuable — a sentiment with which I certainly do not disagree.

    And "on a website like this" people are most especially attuned to how gender roles are perceived and presented. It is not at all safe to assume that posting an article on EJ about loving women means every reader will automatically assume you're a true gentleman with total respect for women and Woman-kind.

    Personally, I sensed your good-hearted nature through the writing, but was also aware of some inexact phrasing that even as I was reading made me think "O boy, the comment section will be lively on this one." And so it is.


  33. DaveTelf says:

    This is a beautiful comment. Bravo.

  34. Tony in Berkeley says:

    How sad that a guy expressing some beautiful things he loves about women is being pissed all over for not writing it in a way that is acceptable for every single person. C'mon, lighten up and stop telling people their thoughts and feelings are invalid!

  35. Maggie McReynolds says:

    I like your comment, too, Sandy–and I *do* appreciate that Damien loves women and is endeavoring to express, authentically and openly, what he loves about them. I also get that some women slave over their make-up for hours, are "playful" and "sassy" with their boundaries, and adore when their big, strong men lift them over puddles.

    I consider these mildly patronizing gender stereotypes, though, and I think Damien is unconsciously "celebrating" some real play-acting (having to couch boundaries in a joke-y way so as not to offend, spending forever in the bathroom playing with make-up in order to be attractive–implication is, for men, going all weak and fluttery and needing "help," etc.) as opposed to genuineness–though truly, he might not see it as such.

    It would be as if I chose to "celebrate" men by writing about the cute way they can never find anything in the house, the sassy way they refuse to ask for directions, and the endearing way they secretly stare at their bald spot in restaurant mirrors and spend hours in the bathroom either reading magazines on the pot or perfecting discreet comb-overs.

    I love the IDEA of celebrating women, and Damien (and everyone else on the planet) is of course entitled to his opinions and preferences. As a writer, though, when I take my opinions for a walk in public, I can't expect everyone to agree with me, or even like what I've written.

    Actually, if Damien had struck me as an oblivious jerk, I wouldn't have bothered to write to him. It's precisely because I hear the beauty in what he's trying to say/do that I wanted to speak out.

  36. […] This pattern of looking outside of me to guide what is beautiful or not has had its punishments and rewards. Even when I felt that I was successful at looking beautiful, it was not truly a reward. It was frequently in comparison to and separation from others, and superficial—as it did not reflect a deep sense of knowing that beauty within myself. […]

  37. Monkey says:

    Thanks for your comments Maggie and everyone else, I do appreciate them and I get what you are saying.

    And at the same time I also feel there is this focus on minor points and blowing them up when they are actually within the scope of something much bigger. The majority of the points I make were actually to do with vulnerability, honesty and authenticity not trivialities like make-up or carrying a woman over a puddle.

    Let us remember that this article is entitled "10 things I find sexy about women" it's not "every single little thing I respect and admire about women". And yes I respect and admire a lot. For example I completely respect a woman who has solid and clear boundaries… do I find it sexy though? No. I do find it sexy though when a woman is sassy and snappy and shows me those boundaries that are flexible…. because a lot of the time "no" actually means "not right now, maybe later… show me who you are first and that I can trust you" and that is a connection I enjoy and now we get to play.

    It may be implied, and unfortunate that it is, the comment about spending forever in a bathroom to play with make-up… yet it's not what I mean at all. What I enjoy is when a woman enjoys the whole process of taking care of herself and her appearance. For example my good and very conscious female friend going to pick up her husband at the airport after not having seen each other for a few weeks takes the time to think about what she is going to wear, its a big deal for her and she enjoys it… its fun and it is sexy and I like that.
    For a woman it may be 3 minutes or 30 that she takes to prepare… either way, it's usually a lot more effort than me. And I like it, a lot. Why does this have to be something weak or inconsequential about a woman? I actually know very few women who don't put some kind of conscious effort and thought into their appearance. Actually I'm not sure if I know any! Why do we have to deny that part of being a woman when the majority of women on this planet are actually this way!?

    And as for the lifting over the puddles part… it was a playback on Melanie's original article when she expressed how it was sexy for her as a woman when a man does. I wanted to show that I enjoy it just as much as her! And I enjoy helping a woman out… doesn't mean I view them as weak and fluttery or even needing my help, yet when a woman is willing to ask for or receive my help I find that attractive.
    I have carried my female friend on my back over a puddle and we both enjoyed it, it brought us closer and saved her shoes getting wet. Part of yesterday even was carrying one of my female friends who is like a little sister around on my back and it's fun! It's playful! I enjoy it cos I get to feel big and strong and she enjoys it because she gets to feel like a woman being cared for and protected for by a man.
    Just because she doesn't need it, does it really mean we can't enjoy it? Does it really mean we have to drop all these fun and playful things and be these boring, dry adults who are completely independent and don't need anyone else to ever show us any kind of care and consideration… that and have to be completely politically correct all the time?

    I love women most when they are shining in their femininity and a big part of it IS that girlishness! That attention to the little details. I love how women love flowers… personally I see they are pretty yet I don't see them in the same way a woman does and it is that some attention that goes into how a woman cares for herself, and how a woman cares for a household that I love and am in total awe of… it's different to me in my core, in my essence and I celebrate that.
    And it is sexy.

    And it also doesn't mean that just because I see that as being sexy it automatically denies that I can have any respect, appreciation and admiration for other attributes of a woman…. the ones I listed just happen to be some of the ones that turn me on most.

    And by the way Maggie your examples of celebrating men I find really cute and endearing. I think that you can express that gives me the sense you actually have a real appreciation for the men in your life. They aren't particularly sexy examples, yet they are cute and I feel warm reading them (not that I have a bald spot… and on the other hand a woman who can love the fact that I can't find anything in the house touches my heart in a special way!)

    I thank you again for taking the time to write in and I agree and accept that not everyone is going to agree or like what I have written… and I acknowledge the part of me that wants that anyway.

  38. Damien, I so love this piece 🙂 The sacred and essential dance between the masculine and the feminine is one of the foundations of what it is to be human. You have framed its beauty decadently.

  39. @mindykittay says:

    Ummmm, sweet 🙂 I like this kind of man.

  40. Shirley F says:

    Some nice stuff in there, but please, next time you write an article about things you find sexy in a woman that have nothing to do with looks, don't illustrate it with a picture of the most exquisite, sexy-looking woman you can possibly find. It so undermines your credibility before the reader has even got as far as the first word! Not all of us female people look like that gorgeous model, and sometimes, just sometimes, it would be good to genuinely hear that our physical beauty and youth, or lack of it, is not the only thing that really, deep down, matters most to men.

  41. Geez. I know what Damien is going thru.It happens to every man. you come from your heart and you end up with an extra asshole.The sexes are so different. He was merely applauding the differences not ridiculing them.Sometimes it is best to leave the intellect at home and just feel from the heart.Damiens writing does not have to be perfect for everyone.Nor can it be. For men who appreciate peace and tranquility several of thesed responses are the epitome of unsexy.It is where the term”bitch”comes from.

    Why must we tear everything apart? I can just see the responses now.Have at it ladies….

  42. dennis says:

    i think intelligence, reflection, and negotiating through all life's imperfections in herself and others is sexy…a woman with a purpose is very, very sexy…and…as far as boundaries, letting anyone know what you need in terms of thought, emotion or deed, keeps that sexual flow going!

  43. Alyssa says:

    I think it's cute that he was honest about what he likes and finds attractive in a woman. Why is everyone picking him apart? I'm a strong woman, a loving mother of 3 of the most wonderful children in the world, a full-time employee where I work 50 hours a week- Not necessarily the career I'd choose if money wasn't an issue, but I do my best everyday. I enjoy cleaning my house with a candle lit and music playing in the background- sometimes Handel, sometimes Neil Young. I enjoy scrubbing my wooden floors on my hands and knees as opposed to a mop because I find it to be therapeutic, not a chore, while enjoying the beauty of the grain in the wood when it's 8 inches away from my face. I can't really dance but move to music if I feel so inclined. I care about the way I look which does include some make up application, to accentuate the positive, not to hide flaws (and not all makeup or skin products contain cancer causing products as someone listed above). Lighten up girls… if I were a man, I'd find many of your posts to be red flags to keep away.

  44. ValeriaVine says:

    Love your comments Maggie, really nicely put.

  45. […] I loved Melanie Curtin’s “10 Things I Find Sexy in a Man” and Damien Bohler’s “10 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman.” […]

  46. Jodeen says:

    What a sweet and thoughtful article. I like this man. Encourages me that there are spiritual, loving men out there in the world. thank you for your offering. Blessings, Jodeen

  47. Kelly Robinson says:

    The world needs more men like you.

  48. Coral says:

    hahahaha word.

  49. Coral says:

    hahahahahaha you just wrote my mind.

  50. Clara Jansen says:

    Well said, Sandy!… My sentiments exactly 🙂