*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal opinion, view or experience of the authors, and can not reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here. 

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Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this week’s Ask Me Anything, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, please email me at [email protected] or private message me on Facebook.
I look forward to hearing from you!

Dear Erica,

I am 24 and in a serious relationship.

We’ve been together for a couple of years. I think I’ll probably marry this guy—at least that seems to be the direction we’re going in.

My problem is that I accidentally hooked up with someone I work with. We were really drunk and out at a bar after work, and we ended up making out. I don’t think it’s actually that big of a deal, I was just drunk and wouldn’t have let anything else happen, but a couple of my co-workers were there and I’m afraid they’re going to tell my boyfriend what happened—we all went to college together and it’s a small town so everyone knows everyone else.

Also, while I don’t think I did anything that wrong, I am worried about why it happened. Does what I did mean I am bored in my relationship? We are like an old married couple and that does irritate me. He is only my second boyfriend.

Should I confess to my boyfriend what I did so he doesn’t find out from someone else? I don’t want to lose him. He’s a great great guy and I doubt I could find anyone better than him. He’s the love of my life!

Guilty Girlfriend

Dear Guilty,

It doesn’t sound like you feel that guilty to me!

According to you, the only reason you would confess your wrong-doing is so your boyfriend “doesn’t find out from someone else,” not from any sense that you might have behaved badly.

Whenever I have done something that I know I shouldn’t have, I turn to the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Put yourself in your boyfriend’s position—if he was the one drunkenly making out with a co-worker in front of mutual friends in public, how would you want him to handle it afterward?

If I were him, I would want you to tell me, not because you were afraid of getting caught but because you actually felt bad. And if I perceived you didn’t really feel too bad (as you don’t), I would take that as a big hint that you are not, in fact, the love of my life and give you your walking papers.

If this is what happens, don’t be surprised and accept it as an opportunity to grow. You are not yet mature enough to be in a marriage bound relationship. You’ll know you are when you have developed a greater sense of compassion for the people who should matter to you most.

Dear Erica,

I have been living with fibromyalgia for three years.

My doctor thinks it was triggered by a serious car accident I was in even, though I didn’t have any injuries other than whiplash.

This condition is ruining my life. I have two young children, six and four years old and I am in pain all the time. Sometimes I can’t even bear for them to touch me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep—but I can’t drag myself out of bed either. Everything hurts and nothing helps.

The worst part about this is my husband who, although he knows I have a legitimate disease, seems to think I’m making 99 percent of it up. He has no tolerance for or understanding of my needs. He acts as if I’m being lazy or selfish when I need to remain in bed, or I can’t have sex or any of the other things that normal people do—that I used to do.

It’s like he thinks this is my fault and I can stop feeling this way any time I want to, which is ridiculous. Of course I don’t want to feel this way! I remember how I used to be and I know he misses that person—I do too! But this is reality now.

I’m having enough trouble just trying to be a decent mom to my kids without having to worry about my husband being mad at me all the time for something I can’t control.

If I could, I would honestly just leave him at this point. I am so sick and his negativity is unbearable. I think we would be better off apart. But there is no way I could take care of my children alone, and no way I would let him take them so I don’t know what to do.

Right now, I just see years of suffering stretching out in front of me with no relief.

How can I deal with this better?

Living with Fibromyalgia

Dear Living,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Fibromyalgia is a devastating and often misunderstood disease.

It is obvious (and understandable) that you and your husband are both suffering from depression in addition to your fibromyalgia. You’ve had your lives turned completely upside down and because you have small children, have simply had to keep marching forward as if everything is the same.

As you well know, everything is not the same.

You are drowning, and when that happens you need to reach out for help. You don’t mention what kind of support—if any—you’ve received from your doctor, but that’s where I would start.

Make an appointment and invite your husband to join you when you go. Discuss with your doctor not only your concerns about your illness, but how it is affecting your lives. Ask him/her if there are any support groups, free or low cost counseling or other places where you can meet like minded people and where you can be heard and learn about strategies that helped people in similar situations.

Ideally, you would explore these options together.

Also call upon friends and family. Consider this to be a crisis situation and behave accordingly. If your house was burning down you wouldn’t expect to put out the fire all by yourselves.

Be specific about what you need. Maybe someone can babysit for you a couple hours a week, help with cleaning the house or cooking some meals. Don’t be too proud to ask for and accept assistance—there will come a time when you can return the favor but for now, you need to right the ship.

Lastly, be patient with yourself and with your husband. In a very real way, your whole family shares this disease and you all need to be treated and to treat each other with kindness and compassion.

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Author: Erica Leibrandt

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Leah Love/Flickr, See-Ming Lee/Flickr