In our quest to have better sex and deeper connection, thousands of books, articles and workshops have been created on how to reach the pinnacle of “life-changing” sex and multiple-orgasms.
Yet, there is so much advice out there that I have found when I enter the bedroom with a head full of thinking about what to “do” next, I tend to lose connection and have uninspiring sex.
Speaking to my friends, clients and colleagues, I have found that this epidemic of “busy mind/bad sex” is almost universal, so I decided to start over and seek another way towards inspiring intimacy.
Luckily, I found a single factor that can lead to the pleasure we normally only fantasize about and it doesn’t take hundreds of sexual partners or dozens of Tantra workshops to attain:
The most important factor to improving sex is presence; meaning that you are here, in this moment, and only in this moment, with the beautiful being in front of you.
It means that you’re not thinking about the stresses from the day leading up to this moment, what you’re going to do after you’re done having sex, wondering if you’re doing okay, trying to last longer or what to do next.
It is a state of no-mind.
The state of no-mind is important because it allows us to drop into the moment and listen to what our body wants and what her body wants.
I never saw this more clearly than when I first started the practice of presence.
By my late 20s, I was sexually insecure and inexperienced and wondered how I could hope to ever be as good at sex as men who have been doing this for longer and more frequently.
If it was up to experience alone, there was no way that I could. So I decided to let all of those thoughts go and just listen to what my body told me.
When my partner and I started to become intimate, I closed my eyes and just “listened” to my body. I intuitively asked my body where her body wanted to be touched and I somehow “saw” or “felt” some type of energy guiding me to kiss her along her neck, her torso and her legs.
I wasn’t thinking at the time, so I just kissed and touched her exactly where this intuitive guidance led me—and after we were all done, she said it was some of the best sex that she had ever had sex in her life!
This speaks to the power of presence.
Looking back, this was one of the first times I was completely in the moment in an intimate situation. I wasn’t trying to figure out where I was going to kiss her next—I only knew where to kiss her exactly in that very moment.
The more I tried to figure out what to do next, the more I lost connection. The more I just surrendered to the moment and to my body’s intuition, the more I regained the connection. I didn’t have a plan or a strategy, I just had presence—and it worked.
Along the same lines as strategy, I have read many times about the power of showing up as a masculine “ravisher” as well as an intimate lover. Each of these, or any “persona” that you can bring to your sexual partner, is valid and powerful. And yet, not every woman wants to be ravished, or at least not all the time, and not every woman wants to eye-gaze during sex.
Assuming ahead of time that you are going to show up as one or the other, or any combination of both, is limiting and may break connection.
I have found that when I am very present, the woman’s energy brings a persona out of me. Sometimes, I feel compelled to be completely dominating and sometimes I feel compelled to be soft, sweet and intimate. When I feel this compulsion, I know it’s the same intuition that guides me to kiss her exactly where she wants to be kissed and it’s almost correct.
(And if I’m ever in doubt, I just ask!)
Presence is not only the guidance system for us, it also allows us to drop in and feel our sexual energy. Most guys are so used to a localized ejaculatory orgasm sensation near their groins that they are unaware that this energy can flow through their entire bodies.
The more we get into the moment and the more we breath, the more this energy can circulate, energize, and empower our every cell with a powerful life-giving force. Almost always this will multiply your (and your partner’s) pleasure.
Once you get used to being aware of this energy, you may learn how to project it beyond your own body and into hers.
Just as your body is performing a masculine penetrating action, your energy can penetrate and flow through her energy as she gives it life and power. It is in these moments where she may completely surrender to the moment, just as you have, and experience intensely powerful orgasms.
As a conclusion and a disclaimer, this article was originally called the “Beginner’s Secret to Having Amazing Sex” because while presence is the #1 most important aspect to having powerful sex, it isn’t the only aspect.
There are many more fun factors that lead to amazing sex that come through experience.
Hopefully, following this guide will absolutely bring you more experience as your partner will want you around more for the presence and energy that you bring to your intimate sessions.
How to have a fun, sexy, heartfelt, genuine, mutual experience when making love:
Author: Thom Carey
Apprentice Editor: Brandie Smith/Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Courtesy of the Author.