August 6, 2017

I Wasn’t always a Sex Goddess.

I stare out at the audience and ask, “How many of you think sex is important?”

Almost everyone in the room raises their hand in agreement. Then I ask, “How many of you think sex is the most important thing in your life?” and the hands all go down. Several people give me confused looks as I proceed.

What I shared with this audience and what I desire to share with you is that sex is important not only in our relationships but also in helping to create the lives we desire.

I wasn’t always a sex goddess and didn’t always believe that sex was important. As a small child, I was intrigued by the human body and all its magnificent pleasures. However, through years of sexual trauma, sexual shaming, and living in a culture completely informed by masculinity, I found myself disconnected from my sex and, therefore, myself.

If you had known me 10 years ago, you would have met a woman who hated herself and had declared war on her own body in every sense of the word. I had sworn off sex and relationships, was people-pleasing to the point that I lost my own identity, I hated my life, and simply didn’t see a way out.

Ten years later, I love my life. I am able to have not only orgasmic sex, but also an orgasmic life—a life that has me excited to see what each morning holds, beautiful relationships, both intimate and not, that fill my heart, and a feeling of being more fulfilled overall in every area of my life. 

You might be asking, ”How did you do it?” More likely, you’re asking, “How do I do it?”

The answer is sex!

More precisely, I came to reawakening my life first through tantra, and I am confident that you can as well. Many think of tantra as strange sexual positions or some weird, cult-like sex practice, none of which is the truth.

Tantra means “to weave,” and thus, tantra combines physical, verbal, and mental expressions that braid together to create a holistic path of development and growth. We utilize our root chakra energy (kundalini energy) to begin to open up and energize all our other chakras and, thus, open ourselves up to deeper levels.

“The beauty and wisdom of tantra is that it enhances sexuality as a doorway to the ‘ecstatic mind of great bliss.’ Truly, at the peak of orgasm, we pierce through the illusion of fragmentation and separation, and glimpse the unity and interconnectedness of all beings. And through the other—our partner—we fall in love with life.” ~ Margot Anand

Many struggle to embrace tantra due to the sexual aspects. While only about 10 percent of tantric teachings are focused directly on sex, that 10 percent is a very important part.

When engaged in tantric sexual practices, we are better able to see both our shadow and our light and experience the beautiful polarities in our lives, as well as learning to see yourself and your partner in a state of gratitude and from the lens of divinity.

It is often in spiritual or religious communities that sex is left as the “final frontier” in terms of healing, and at times, it is even seen as a practice that moves us further away from God or a higher power.

My belief, and the philosophy of tantra, is that our sexuality brings us closer to our higher power and helps us see our own divinity.

The Positive Power of Sexual Energy

When we reawaken our sex, we also reawaken our lives as a whole. This is due to the positive energy that can be created via our sexual energy and experiences. In the state of our true orgasmic energy, we have enormous amounts of power to create the lives we desire.

But many of us look at our current sex lives and do not see their sexual energy manifesting the lives we desire, so we question the power that is truly available.

However, the problem lies in that most Americans are not having what my colleague Kendal Williams has coined, “gourmet sexing” but rather are having “fast food sex.”

Fast food sex causes trauma and more disconnect in a person’s body.

“Good sex” is in between the two, is somewhat connective and fills you for a short time, but overall, it leaves you constantly desiring more.

Gourmet sex leaves you filled for days in both body and soul. It creates a beautiful orgasmic energy that can be used to not only connect partners and improves health, but also can help us create the lives of our dreams.

“Gourmet sexing is healing. It can help us to release past programs, trauma and suffering. It can be the creative spark that changes everything and helps us to transform our very existence. Through gourmet sexing we find peace and bliss. This is conscious sex!” ~ Kendal Williams

This concept does not just apply to sex, but to all intimacy and the energy that is created in these intimate moments.

When you give a friend a hug, do you just do the sideways half-hug? When you are cuddling, are you all in, or are you holding back? When you are in a vulnerable moment with someone close to you, do you lean in emotionally or hold back?

That is intimacy right there, and that energy can be harnessed. It’s not all direct sexual contact, but it is about being truly connected to this energy at all times: at work, during sex, at the store, everywhere!

It’s as simple as sex creating positive feelings, and positive feelings creating our lives. During moments of true bliss, we lose all ego, and we break into the spiritual realm and are wholly open. This openness is where our divine inspiration and manifestation is created. If you’ve ever had a soul-shaking orgasm, then you know what I mean when I say that it is a rebirthing process.

Disconnected Sex equals Unbalanced Lives

Our sexual energy is our life energy, so when we are disconnected from our sex, we are disconnected from our lives and the deepest parts of ourselves. If we walk around disowning our own sexual energy and power, then we disown ourselves.

If sex is bad, then we, in turn, are saying that we are “bad,” which not only disconnects us, but creates feelings of trauma and shame in and around the human body.

When we are unbalanced in our sexual energy, we end up unbalanced in our chakras, and thus, our energy as a whole. This is in addition to being unbalanced in our masculine and feminine polarities, which can impact our relationships and mental states.

Imbalance in any area of our lives can be destructive, but imbalance in our sexual energy can create severe dis-ease in the body.

As someone who spent years unbalanced in her sexuality, here are just some of the issues I dealt with, and what many of my clients currently struggle with:

>> Urinary Tract Infection: Pissed off at lovers
>> Yeast Infections: Denying your own needs; not supporting yourself
>> Heartburn: Being devoured by fear and unable to go with the flow
>> Migraines: Sexual fears; resisting the flow of life

When we are disconnected from our sexual energy, it impacts our relationships, making it almost impossible to connect fully with another. It is easier to fall into the traps of our egos, and we aren’t able to see the other person or ourselves in their entirety. We end up denying our own shame and conditioning, which keeps us from delving into our deepest levels of spirituality and pleasure.

Without our true connection to our sexual energy, we lose our drive and motivation for life. Because our sexual energy is our life energy, we feel as if we are only throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks even as we are doing everything we “should” be doing.

We lack the true sticking agent and motivation without sexual energy. We live, at best, a mediocre life.

Take Action to Reawaken Your Sex!

It is important to take the time to truly check in with your body, mind, and soul to see if all are in alignment with your sexual energy. If not, there are many ways to reawaken this hibernating aspect of yourself.

Everyone requires different steps to reconnect depending on personal blocks, traumas, and belief systems, but here are some standard practices that are helpful to beginning this transformation:

>> Breathing is the first place to start building a deeper connection with sexuality. If we can’t connect with our breath, then we can’t truly connect to all the sensations in our bodies and chakras. It is as simple as noticing your breath and making the conscious choice to take the time to focus on deeper breathing. As you improve in that aspect, there are more advanced breathing techniques that you can integrate.

>> Gaining awareness of conditioning and societal myths (i.e. men are the more sexual than women, we lose our sex drive as we age, sex is sinful) is imperative. You can begin to notice these stories and beliefs on your own, but it can also be helpful to have the assistance of a sex coach or other helping professional who can help to bring to light blind spots. For it is only once you have noticed them that you can begin to release them.

>> Flirting or allowing yourself to be sensual is also a vital aspect. Learning to be more playful based on your true desires and energy can help you to not only break down old programming, but also to live more in the moment. Begin to wear clothes that make you feel good, touch your body in a way that feels good, and be playful with people as inspired.

>> Slow down and take more time with yourself and your partner in sex and sensual moments. This slowing process can be helpful in giving you time to really feel and connect with the sexual energy that is being stirred, and can provide a learning space for expanding this energy throughout the body.

We can choose to not live a mediocre life of always wanting more. Take action today to reconnect and reawaken not only your sex, but your life!



How to Listen to a Woman’s Body.

Your Body isn’t Broken—Society’s ideas about Sex Are.

Six Root Chakra Tips for Grounding & Stability.



Author: Addison Bell 
Image: Wikimedia
Editor: Callie Rushton
Copy Editor: Danielle Beutell
Social Editor: Catherine Monkman

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