More like this: Marry a Man with these 8 Must-Have Qualities.
This is Bob and Amy Moberger.
They’ve been together for 34 years, 26 of them married.
They’ve meditated together for years, and continue to do so. They’ve raised three kids together, all of whom are out of the house now. They’ve contributed philanthropically, together.
And they are totally, passionately in love with each other and very fulfilled.
I first met them at a seminar with Donny Epstein and could feel instantly that these two had a soul love and bond unparalleled to most of anything I’ve ever seen.
In a world where the divorce rate is more than half and the unfulfillment rate of marriages even higher, I got really curious…what made Bob and Amy different than the majority?
So, I asked them.
Here’s what they had to say.
Adam: How did you two meet?
Amy: We met when we both attended the Street Scene Restaurant at Ohio State University, the summer of 1983. I walked in and applied for a hostess position and Bob was the bartender. He fell for me at first sight, but it took me a little longer as I was dating another guy at the time.
On Sunday nights, after our shifts were over, we would sit and have coffee and drinks at the bar as we’d talk and listen to Sunday night jazz music. He turned me onto Jazz. We talked and laughed a bunch, and soon became really good friends. We started hanging out together, more and more.
One time, I changed my clothes after work and left my uniform in his car. He drove over to my apartment and handed my clothes to the guy I was still dating and said, “Amy left her clothes in my car.” Needless to say, things progressed more quickly from there.
During my last quarter at Ohio State, where I was majoring in Fashion Merchandising, I took an internship opportunity in Dallas. Bob flew down five times to see me, and then he flew down and drove me back to Ohio when I was finished. He was making sure I wasn’t getting away. He brought me home. We dated for about eight years, lived together for a couple of those years, and then had a breakup for a year before we got back together and married in 1991.
Adam: When and how did you both know that this was it…that you were both made for each other?
Amy: I knew he was the one when I was miserable without him. That year apart was really hard for me. My heart was aching for him. I tried to go out with other guys but he was all I could think about the whole time. We got back together when his grandmother suggested he invite me for breakfast one weekend. The three of us ate, and soon afterward, we kept meeting for breakfast on the weekends and eventually got back together.
Bob: I have never “dated” anyone else in my life more than three times, besides Amy, and usually it was only once or twice. I was an immature 21-year-old, avoiding drama, dating, and commitment. In August of 1983, she walked into the restaurant I was bartending at. She came to get her first waitress schedule, and when I saw her, there was nothing else. Time stopped. When she walked by, everything became slow motion, and there was just her. Her sundress, her tan, her blonde hair, her curves, the nervous but confident half smile, even her flip-flops were intoxicating. When the office door closed behind her, it was over.
The first person who asked me what I thought, I told them to tell everyone else to stay away…that she was mine. She had a boyfriend, but it didn’t matter; he was gone in a month or so.
She had an internship in Dallas the next summer. It didn’t matter, I flew down six times to visit her, on credit cards no less, and then flew down to drive her back when it ended. We lived together and then broke up. It didn’t matter, we got back together because life apart was, and is, no longer an option. We have three amazing kids, have done all kinds of amazing sh*t, and every time I see her, my heart skips a beat. My fantasies are with her. I see beautiful women and only think of her. I love lots of people, but can only not live without her.
I was beyond lucky because honestly, I was an a**hole. But, I got so blown away, the stupidity cleared and even I knew then not to f*ck this up, and to do whatever was necessary to make it permanent.
By the way, a committed relationship means you need to “burn the boats.”
There is simply no other option or alternative to the relationship. It’s not a decision. There’s not a time. It simply is. You will know pain at a level you didn’t know existed. You will see the value of that pain in the deep connection to the being that you are, rather than the one you’re pretending to be (which is the true source of pain). You will know that “okay” with this person blows away any “high” with any other person on Earth because you’re home and life has no meaning without them.
On the flip side, you will create and have a place that doesn’t exist anywhere else on the planet, and has never existed before, and you will know it to be true. You will continue to be great and do great things, but your life as an individual will cease to have significant meaning, except to create a better “you” so you can be a better “us.” You will not fight this reality but wonder why it took you so long to finally get it, and you will thank your source every night that you found it, or however you practice gratitude.
Adam: What practices have you both done since the beginning of the relationship that’s kept things thriving?
Amy: We used to take bubble baths together on weekend mornings and drink champagne. We would sit and talk for hours as we’d dream and plan our future. Once we had children, we would take them in the bathtub with us. It was a big jetted tub!
We scheduled a weekly date night every weekend and got a sitter. That was mandatory for us. Invest in each other with your time and presence. Plan some fun together!
We learned transcendental meditation together years ago, and both of us meditate regularly. It helps to be centered and grounded. It calms the mind. We traveled to India with Tony Robbins and his Platinum Partnership group and took a course at Oneness University with Sri Amma Bhagavan. I have since gone back to India and studied with Krishnaji and Preethaji, founders of One World Academy.
It’s important to us to keep learning and growing, trying different things that excite us, both together and individually.
Adam: Bob, what are some fundamental practices you recommend to have an extraordinary quality of relationship?
Bob: The questions you ask yourself are literally what shape your life. Are you the kind of person this kind of relationship requires? Everyone spends time looking for this relationship in others they see. Be the kind of person this kind of relationship is seeking, and it will find you!
Adam: Amy, what’re some fundamental practices you’d recommend to have an extraordinary quality of relationship?
Amy: Communication is key. Don’t ever stop sharing your innermost feelings with each other. Stay open. I still work at being a better listener and try hard not to interrupt him when he’s speaking to me, but it’s tough for me because my brain goes a hundred miles an hour and I still get impatient when I want to add my two cents.
Men, never stop listening to her. Be present. She knows when you tune her out and it’s a lonely place to be.
Fundamental practices include meditation, stretching, breathing, communing in nature, laughing, journaling, communicating daily, checking in with each other, and putting the other’s needs before your own (that’s hard sometimes and takes diligence).
And first of all, you must find out what each other needs. Ask yourself: What is it that I can do or say so that he/she feels loved by me? You may think you know, but you must have those important conversations because what lights you up probably isn’t the same thing for them.
For me, it’s when he holds my hand, opens doors for me, tells me he loves me all day long, brings me a cup of coffee in the morning, and calls me during the day to say “hi” and check in.
Adam: Amy, what does “being feminine” mean to you?
Being feminine to me means the freedom to be me, however that shows up. One day quiet, one day a storm, some days clear, and some days confused and wanting to talk and sort it all out. Some days radiating love and light, and some days nurturing myself and others to feel loved. Soft, gentle, crazy, wild, scared, determined, fierce, passionate—you name it. It’s all in there. I attended a “pole dancing” retreat with the wonderful Sheila Kelley called S-Factor. It unleashed something in me that was just waiting to be known, seen and heard. I became much more free and playful with my husband after that!
Adam: Bob, what does “being masculine” mean to you?
Bob: Masculine energy, to me, is handling sh*t. Do what needs to be done, say what needs to be said, be what the circumstance requires. You don’t worry about what you look like, or what people think of you. You just see the situation, determine the best outcome, and then make it happen. This may be done with strength, humor, boldness, humility, or any other characteristic you can think of. True masculine energy knows what it is and delivers it.
It’s not about you. It’s not about your ego. It’s not about showing off. It’s about the world needing an outcome that won’t happen unless you step in and deliver what’s missing, so you do.
In relationship, it’s about all of the above being delivered in presence. Sometimes I do it well; sometimes I suck at it. Every time I do it well, I don’t exist…I am just there for her. I hear her. I feel her, and she knows I understand without saying a word. Every time I f*ck it up, I’m impatient, trying to fix something, or trying to make her feel better because I feel bad when she does—and I’m more concerned about my pain than her pain and understanding her.
Masculine energy has been given a bad rap and become the butt of jokes and dangerously been associated with machismo or aggressive behavior. There is a huge difference, similar to the difference between power and force.
Power emanates and everyone and everything just knows not to f*ck with it. It’s a source of safety and security for the feminine. It’s derived from service to others and looks to stand down as soon as possible to allow others to return to freedom and light-heartedness.
Force is pushed and feels unsafe. It almost begs to be tested so it can show off. It is unsafe because it is derived from ego and it will lash out if there aren’t enough acknowledgements, or if it isn’t presented with “gifts” to the provider. It’s a show, so it feels phony, and it’s given to display strength to ensure the ego is properly stroked.
You can always tell by the children in the space. They will gravitate to the source of power; they will run from a show of force. True feminine will do the same, only much more discreetly.
Adam: Bob, what are the common mistakes you see men do when it comes to dating and relationships?
Bob: The biggest mistake I see men make in relationship is treating it like a partnership. Everyone wants 50/50. That’s literally the recipe for a neutral, boring relationship. You’d be better off going 100 percent each other’s way 50 percent of the time with no communication. At least then, there would be passion. You’re not equals. You’re completely different creatures who speak, act, and desire almost exactly opposite things. Women can do anything men can do…this isn’t about capabilities, and if the relationship is about business or true friendship, this doesn’t apply.
The goal is to figure out what lights the other person up and then deliver it. Always. Constantly. If it’s the right person, they will desire to do the same for you and nobody else on Earth will matter much. That, by the way, is one of the ways you know when you’ve found “the one.”
There’s a time and place when life must be attended to. Kids get sick. Work requires you to be away. Sometimes, you’ll prioritize things, but your core way of life is putting that person first and wanting to die before they feel like they aren’t first in your life and how you live it.
This way of living is not fashionable. Your buddies will think you are “p*ssy whipped.” Her friends will think she’s controlled. Both of you will not give a sh*t, and all those friends would secretly die to have your relationship. F*ck the noise, serve that person like no one else matters, they will reciprocate, and together, you will magnify your impact on others in a way neither of you could do individually.
My impact on others, when I’m aligned with Amy, is far superior to when I’m feeling apart from her. It’s because I’m completely filled up, and giving just flows from me. Whether I wish to believe it or not, when we are unaligned, I’m giving to receive…to fill myself up and to feel better. That’s taking, not giving, and people will just know it. I knew Amy was the one immediately for me. It was a cupid’s arrow kind of thing. Now, 34 years later, I know she’s the one because I’m only my best when we are our best…and because I still want to “crack one off” every time I see her!
Adam: Amy, what are the common mistakes you see women do when it comes to dating and relationships?
Amy: We have been together for what seems like forever and I have not studied the dating habits of others lately but my advice is to just be authentic. Don’t pretend to be anything else. Don’t rush things sexually—get to know each other as friends. Be in your heart, not your brain. Don’t overthink things. Be a gentleman and lady. Make yourself someone to be proud of in your actions and your words.
Adam: What were the greatest challenges you’ve gone through and how did you overcome them?
Amy: We have had many challenges. When you are married long enough, you just will.
We have been to marriage counseling in the past and almost didn’t make it. Boy am I glad we didn’t give up on each other. I could not begin to imagine our lives without each other in it. You get so much depth in a history together and all that you create over the years.
When our middle son was a toddler, he developed croup and asthma. The doctors wanted us to drug him daily with albuterol and steroids. My mother lion got fierce and I refused to do that and started researching alternative health. It became a passion of mine and took us on a path of finding Network Spinal Analysis with Donny Epstein, which led us eventually into the Tony Robbins seminars, Oneness Movement, spiritual healing with Ed Strachar, and so much more.
My brother, mother, and father have all passed away, and Bob was my rock through each loss. I was adopted, and I’ve struggled with abandonment energies throughout my life, so the loss of loved ones has always been gut wrenching for me, with so much grief surfacing. He took the lead and led us all through the arrangements and funerals, creating a safe space that allowed me to grieve along with anything else needed each time.
Adam: When did this passion for personal development arise within you both? What’re some of the greatest lessons you learned?
Bob: Amy and I have been actively seeking more alternative processes for most of our life together. We’ve done meditation for over 20 years. We’ve been involved with Donny Epstein’s work for 17 years, Tony Robbins’ work for 10 years, and more recently, Oneness and One World Academy work for the past four years.
The key for us is doing it together. We’ve never understood only one person doing this work. If you are successful, it will grow you away and apart from your spouse.
All of these experiences and disciplines serve us to own our masculine/feminine core—when put into practice and done consistently with passion. There are parts of me that do not serve Amy’s feminine. We don’t work out together. I’m a bit crazy and intense when it comes to working out. We don’t meditate together all the time. I’m more internal and she’s more external. I talk sh*t with the boys, not her. She does girl talk with her girlfriends, when she knows I’d rather sit and poke myself in the eye if she did it with me. There is a small part of me that needs time for just my buddies.
These are priorities. They are daily, and we respect each other’s needs for ourselves. They ultimately help me serve her better, as I’m in better shape—body and mind. I get my boy sh*t out and then honestly remember how “same” it all is. She is my variety and source of real joy. The rest is mostly just honing steel and testing perceived limits.
Amy: The best lessons I’ve learned are…
Proximity is power. Who you surround yourself with is who you become. We now have a family all over the world with the Platinum Partners. Our son Jack did an internship in Singapore, and the Menke family picked him up at the airport at 5:00 a.m. and took him to their house for a few days of rest and sight seeing, all before he began his job.
How do I begin to say what I’ve learned with Donny? One must do the work to release the nervous system tension, to then be free to express their true, authentic self and soul’s purpose.
With Bhagavan and his son Krishanji? We are truly all one. All suffering is due to excessive self-centric thinking. There are only two states—suffering and beautiful—and we are in control of which one we live in.
Adam: What’ve been the greatest highlights of your relationship?
Amy: The greatest highlights for me have been the family we have built and watching our three sons now 22, 20, and 18 thrive. It is also the love and solidness that Bob and I have for each other. We would do anything for each other. Whatever is needed.
Adam: What advice do you have for people entering into a relationship?
Amy: Put each other first before all else. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Set goals and outcomes together and go for it!
Author: Adam Siddiq
Images: Amy & Bob Moberger; Jackie Epstein
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Copy Editor: Danielle Beutell
Social Editor: Callie Rushton