How to tell if you’re an Empath or a Narcissist.

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How to self-diagnose yourself as a Toxic Narcissist because Sensitive Empath is already taken (by me).

Self-Diagnosing yourself as an Empath (and your ex- as a Narcissist) is huge right now, and I want in. I’ve been on top of this trend before it was a thing.

When I was a kid, I already knew I was special. You probably thought you’re special, which is typical of you, because you’re a Narcissist.

I always felt things, like when my mom didn’t have dinner ready right when I wanted it and I screamed at her “you’re a terrible mom,” I could feel her pain. You probably don’t realize this, but I’m an expert in this field, because I have a blog which you can subscribe to for $14 dollars a day and, once a year, we will ship you a code for a discount to a French facecream from China that is organic, not technically, but if you think about it chemicals come from the planet, too. Technically, I haven’t started my blog, but I plan on it—and you don’t have to wait to subscribe to it, you can click my venmo here.

But anyways, sorry, I just got some texts from this hottie I met down at Bitter Bar the other night. They have the most amazing ice cubes, they’re huge.

[giggling, knowing smiles…two minutes pass]

Here’s something I’ve noticed: when I meet a new hottie, they seem nice and stuff. But then over time, like two weeks, I notice they become toxic and don’t make me happy and that doesn’t serve me. I don’t need to listen to their negativity: “please get off the phone when you are talking to me,” stuff like that.

So anyways back when I was an Empath kid (not empathetic, that’s pathetic) and I yelled at my mom, it was me being kind, you know—I had to speak my truth. Or yell it, because as you know Narcissists are all blocked in their ear chakras. You can sign up for my chakra workshop here. I have no training in chakras, which is an ancient Peruvian wisdom from China, but they’re off the charts on Google Keywords so I’m all over it like acai and turmeric in a plastic cup with a plastic straw, which is what I eat for breakfast every morning.

Anyways, it’s hard to get through this story about my mom, but I’m an Empath, so I really care and have mental powers that you don’t have—because I embrace abundance and you’re just basic. So I was educating my mom on my needs, bravely giving voice to my voice, and as I was yelling at her, I was so present that I felt her pain, because I’m a…wait let me text this hottie back…

[giggling, knowing smiles…three minutes pass]

Sorry…sorry not sorry, it’s important to “not give a fuck,” you know. Anyways so it’s not good for Empaths to feel too much pain from others, that sensitivity can be taken advantage of and be toxic, so I pushed her pain away by making it clear her food sucked anyways and going out for acai, which back in 2007 was like something no one knew about.

Anyways, please subscribe to my blog, since my mom may pay for my rent and my Cayenne lease forever, but she won’t pay for me to upgrade my iPhone or join my friends for that Tulum yoga retreat, and life is short—Carpe Diem or Yolo, you know.

~ Waylon H. Lewis, author of “How to self-diagnose yourself as a Toxic Narcissist because Sensitive Empath is already taken (by me).”

For more: 10 Must Have Buys for the Spiritual Materialist.

Spiritual Wisdom from an Idiot.


The Future of Yoga. ~ Waylon Lewis

For meditation instruction:  How to Meditate: The Dathun Letter, via Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche.

Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea. ~ Julie JC Peters


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About Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of elephant magazine, now & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat.” Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword’s Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by “Greatist”, Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: “the mindful life” beyond the choir & to all those who didn’t know they gave a care. | His first book, Things I would like to do with You, is now available.


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