July 21, 2018

We Need to Talk about Sexual Satisfaction—before it’s too Late.

“I don’t like to be told what to do, unless I’m naked.” ~ Meghan March

We were killing time in the parking lot when the article below flashed onto a friend’s phone screen.

Make him Roar: 10 things that Turn Men On.”

“Ugh. I didn’t need to see that,” she said.


“’10 Things that Turn Men On.’ It’s an article on Elephant Journal.”

“Just 10?” I said. And we both laughed because it’s so easy to turn men on, right?

And then I said, “Send me that link.” Because I am as clueless as anyone else. And I’m not alone. That article has been read by 2.3 million people, and been shared over 50,000 times.

“This is a really weird thing to send someone,” she said.

“Let’s not talk of it again.” And we haven’t.

Instead of talking with her, or anyone else about it, I am writing a story for publication. Which pretty much sums up how we deal with sex. We research about it online, or in magazines and books, but we don’t talk about it with each other.

When I went to work the next day, I had to take an online career development class. To successfully invest in our career, it suggested we spend time as follows: 10 percent on education and research, 20 percent asking questions of peers and bosses, and 70 percent doing hands-on learning.

Still having sex on my mind (yes, we gals think about it too), I wondered why wouldn’t we take the same approach to our sex lives?

Instead of just focusing our efforts on reading books and articles on how to turn men on, maybe we should be asking our friends how they approach these issues.

Like in the movie “Book Club,” starring Jane Fonda, Candace Bergn, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen. They read the 50 Shades of Grey series, which leads them to discuss their sex lives. Then they help each other with their issues.

Does anyone actually talk with their friends about their sexual encounters? I rarely do.

But sex discussion seems to be what the moviegoers want. “Book Club” earned over $13 million its opening weekend and has made over $62 million so far this year, making it the 16th ranked movie in the first half of 2018. People wanted to see a movie featuring four senior citizen women talking about their sex lives more than they wanted to see either the “Maze Runner” or “Tomb Raider” sequels.

One of the most memorable scenes in “Book Club” involved a discussion of erectile dysfunction, which affects over half of all males.

Over half. Really?

And before you say this is just an old man thing, Huffington Post states one in four men under 40 are seeking assistance for erectile dysfunction.

Is that why we are so interested in turning our men on?

And in case you didn’t know, Viagra and like similar medicines are not typically covered by health insurance. So for some men, the cost of these drugs is prohibitive—between $20-30 per pill or $600-900 for a one month supply.

And we don’t talk about it.

With that in mind, let’s navigate back to the career development analogy. If we apply the knowledge learned in successful career development to our sex lives, 70 percent of the work advancing sexual satisfaction should involve hands-on effort—working with our partner to understand what is best for them, and for us.

I was thinking about this while with my dogs and was amused by how effective they are at letting us know what they want. You touch them and they immediately roll over and show their belly to be rubbed. And when you find that itchy spot—behind their ears or under their snout—they get closer and wag their tails.

Wouldn’t it be great if men had tails so we could quickly see which forms of touch make them happy?

Oh wait a minute, we don’t need tails. We can ask our mates what they are experiencing and what makes them roar. We don’t need articles on national publications or movies to figure this stuff out. We can wholeheartedly talk to each other.

How do we do this effectively? Some hints:

Open your heart and mind—Come to the conversation with a loving presence, and without biases or outcome expectations.

Satya (Sanskrit word for truth)—Be impeccable with your word. Say only what is true, loving, and kind. Express curiosity and avoid criticism.

Listen—Don’t respond, just pay attention. Your partner knows what is best for them, and they don’t need you to fix them.

Be vulnerable—Express your feelings when asked, regardless of outcome.

As author Brené Brown said in an interview:

“I think our capacity for Wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted. It means engaging with the world from a place of vulnerability and worthiness. It’s about being all in, saying, ‘I’m here and I’m going to love you fully….I’m not holding back because this [life] is short.’”

This quote resonates with me, because recently I lost my love, and am thankful that we engaged wholeheartedly. Because unfortunately, our time together was short.

How might you use the information and tools above to participate wholeheartedly in your relationship—while you still can?

“I think we are afraid of each other when it comes to sex, because we read so much about sex, we talk so openly about sex, we see movies and we read books; but when we are face to face with someone else, we forget our individual patterns; that we are unique.” ~ Paulo Coelho

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