I didn’t consciously choose the spiritual path I have been on.
I did not set out seeking an a**hole to further my liberation. Like most people, I just happened into one. As most of the romantic stories of my life, it fell right to me and I devoured it like a starving dog devours the kitchen scraps thrown out the back door.
After all, he was so sensitive, he had a spiritual path, he had brushed up on tantric skills in the bedroom, and his sheets were clean (an alarmingly rare quality in single men).
Let me put this on the table right now—I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
I don’t have the answers you are seeking. I don’t advocate you do anything like me. Most of the time, I can’t tell if I am a warrior priestess on a light worker’s journey, or if I’m just some misguided old maid making some poor decisions.
So, what are the tenants of spiritual growth through dating an a**hole?
It boils down to one principle: choose to look for the lesson in every heartbreak. Remember life is not working against you but for your greatest good. Your heart only feels broken if you are in resistance to the lesson. Accept the lesson and that his emotional unavailability is really nonattachment and that is a virtue.
Know that your heart is not really broken, it is expanding—like when an antique teacup hits the floor, you didn’t really want tea anyway.
Once you commit to the path of spiritual growth through dating an a**hole, the following practices will assist you in your quest for enlightenment:
Do not look for sanctuary in anyone else but yourself.
You are on your own, kid. Take full ownership of every disappointment. Your feelings are entirely your responsibility. No one can make you feel anything. So anything he says or does that feels hurtful is not his responsibility. Trying to talk to him about it is projection. Take those disappointments to your meditation mat and don’t get up until you have loved them into happiness.
Just let go.
Cultivate mastery over your emotions.
Don’t have PMS, or a bad day, or get cranky for any reason. This is just you not having strength of character and it reflects badly on your practice. Don’t even think about having anger—convert it to feelings of love instead. While you are at it, take any feeling of discontent and convert that into love too. Take any ideas that he might be manipulating or gaslighting you and convert that into love, too.
Just let go.
Acknowledge that he is a sensitive being. He feels what you are feeling, so please don’t feel anything unpleasant around him. If you do, he will be forced to feel it and will need to end the conversation abruptly until you can open your heart to love again.
When it seems he might be angry know that it is really your anger being painfully channeled through him. It cannot be his anger because he has obviously mastered the above skill of turning all his anger instantly into love (road rage doesn’t count).
Strip yourself bare of the need for preference of any kind.
Do you prefer to know that he will respect your boundaries? To know what your relationship status is? To know that he will remember you had a date? Preference is just a way to try to control life, don’t have an argument with reality, just accept. Love is a great mystery, if you want to know sh*t for sure, go back to living in the matrix.
Let it go.
Trust that your partner has the best of intentions and don’t let your past wounds cloud your vision of what is happening now. Because you obviously could not be upset at anything he’s doing, you are really still angry at your father. Your partner would never do anything to intentionally hurt you so your feelings of hurt are your imagination looking for false evidence to support your story of victimhood. Let it go.
Let go of the past.
So he lost his temper yesterday and said some not very nice things then refused to talk to you. Dwelling on that now just prolongs negativity. Being in the present you will find peace, he’s not saying those things right now and “I’m sorry” is overrated anyway. Just let it go already.
Admit that security is an illusion and a trap, only weak-minded people seek feelings of security in other people. No one can guarantee anything—let alone how they might feel about you tomorrow. If you love yourself you need not seek out false security through others.
Let that sh*t go.
Attachment is the root of all suffering.
Be at peace with impermanence. Promises and agreements are just words and cannot bind free will in the spiritually advanced person. To ask such is to deny a man of his authentic self-expression. Free will must be maintained at all times for a soul to be truly enlightened. Doing exactly what he wants, whenever he wants without having to answer to anyone is essential. The wake of broken hearts and disappointed loved ones behind him is proof that not everyone is as enlightened as he is.
Let it go.
Free yourself of the burden of having to express those unsightly emotions. Learn to bury them under a veneer of Post-it Notes displaying nonattachment affirmations. Let it go.
Know that feeling let down is really just ego struggling for dominance over your higher self, as are your aspirations and dreams. Let them go.
When you say you feel unappreciated and he says that is impossible because he bought you flowers last week, know that you are really saying the same thing. What you may see as gaslighting, is really a matter of you denying the oneness of all things. Your partner is a mirror—if he is doing something you don’t feel comfortable with know that it is a problem within you and leave him out of it.
Breathe. Know your pain is an illusion. Your expectations are the root of your suffering. If you love someone they should be free go to bed with whomever they want. We cannot change the things that happen to us, but we can change our response. So he decided to not tell you about his new lover, being upset or confused only creates suffering. Align with what is and you will be at peace.
Let it go.
Let go of your obsessive need for knowing you are important to him and visualize everything you love being destroyed again and again so that when it actually happens you have some practice.
If he is your twin flame, girl, strap yourself in for a lifetime of these practices. You hit the enlightenment jackpot. Better luck he won’t be an a**hole next incarnation.
If you get weary of this spiritual path and decide to find a new, less painful, way of reaching enlightenment, know this: when you have enough self-love then you will attract the people who treat you with the love you deserve. Internalize this thought so you know that if you find yourself alone and lonely, that is is all your fault.
Have you followed the dating an a**hole path to self-growth before? I’d love to hear your tips and hacks for the fast track to enlightenment.
In the meantime, you can sooth your soul with this cathartic playlist.