For the first time in my life, there is not a man in my mind who occupies the center of my life and my being like countless times in the past.
Almost one year ago, I decided to choose myself and dedicate my time and my mental and emotional energy to exposing and exploring myself as a human and as a woman (still in this process) without chasing a man, or thinking of one, or asking for one, or being desperate for one.
It has been the most fulfilling, the most nourishing, the most graceful and life-changing year of my entire life so far.
My entire life has turned upside down, and I have encountered some amazing human beings who are feeding the most artistic parts of me and supporting me in building my dreams as a dancer, freelance artist, writer, and more.
I have always been insecure, hiding behind my fake self-confidence, trying to look cool when I was dying inside.
I had been chasing men for most of my life, from my teen years until one year ago.
Until I stopped.
After lots of heartbreak, emotional pain, disappointment, and dissatisfaction in my romantic relationships, I decided to stop and have a hard look at my inner sh*t.
It was time I paused and ponder why I never felt worthy without a man giving me attention or being in a relationship with one or simply dating.
I always suffered from low self-esteem, poor body image, anxiety, panic attacks, and a deep lack of self-worth and a complete lack of self-love.
Reaching this truth felt like a hard slap on my face.
I had to sit with this truth for months to come.
I always looked for a man to reassure me that I was lovable, that I was sexy, that I was worthy as a human and a woman.
And they always failed to give me that.
Due to my deep-rooted insecurities and a sea of childhood emotional and physical trauma, I was lost, and I longed for a man to give me myself back.
I wanted a man to see me when I disliked myself internally.
I put what would be my own responsibility in any man’s hands, and of course, I ended up either being used, abused, or manipulated, or I ended up manipulating them through my victimhood attitude.
It was like saying to those men, “I am suffering for you; will you love me now?”
That was a completely dysfunctional thinking pattern that came from this little girl in me who never felt loved as a child and who had been acting out later in my life as an adult, seeking for a man to love me, so he could compensate what my father’s absence would never give me: to feel loved, safe, and seen for who I was.
After a mountain of tears, health issues, and broken pieces of my heart falling on my feet, I woke up from my dream.
Anger settled in after this awakening that none can complete me or make me feel worthy or lovable or sexy.
Lots of inner rage—so much that it would destroy a whole city.
I had to sit with it and see what was behind it. The little angry girl in me was again throwing a fit.
I talked to her, but she continued to be stubbornly angry.
I talked to her for a long time—in my sleep, in my dream—hoping she would feel safe with me. How could she? The adult in me was almost absent for all these years.
So another truth slapped me hard in my face: it was time for me to build, invite, and expose this adult in me to the child in me.
Taking responsibility for my own joy and peace in everyday life was the first step in creating the adult in me. The wise in me started to function again.
By deciding to claim my own worth, to expose my inner truths one day at a time, and to build my life around my passions and greatest dreams, no matter how others would perceive me, has been such a liberating phase and experience in my life thus far.
There are moments I find myself shrinking into my old thinking, but I am more aware now, and so I let that old part of me go, and I flow into the ocean of life and become one with it.
I have just begun the greatest journey of all journeys—that of coming back to myself, discovering myself slowly, exposing my truths even when it’s hard, and building my life around my joys and what makes my heart sing, no matter if it makes or does not make sense to others.
Because this time, I choose myself.
Once I am able to know my being at its darkest and deepest and hidden corners of my being, real love and a man with whom I can grow with further and meet me where I am in my life right now will come naturally. It will not happen out of my or his desperation to be in a relationship, but out of freedom, love, and the desire to build beauty together in whatever form it manifests.
I am busy discovering and enjoying and correcting my being along the way, making wiser choices while getting in touch in more intimate ways with my sensual and sexual parts—which are a fundamental part of who I am.
Meeting myself in my nakedness feels so liberating.
I’m going back to myself, and this alone gives me so much joy.