There is room for both your boundaries and your feminine radiance.
Here are 16 signs:
1. You listen to what your body needs in the moment.
You say no to sex whenever you don’t want it. You are in tune with the tiniest nuances of your needs. Want to go down on your partner but don’t want to take your clothes off or be touched yourself? Want an orgasm but don’t have energy to touch your partner? Want to have your partner inside you and then ask to switch positions five times in two minutes and then say you’re done?
Everything and anything goes, and you don’t cross your own boundaries to meet the needs of your partner.
2. Talking about sex doesn’t shame you anymore.
You sometimes forget that most people still hold a ton of shame around sex. You regularly get looks from people in public when you’re talking to your friends, whether you’re discussing threesomes or blow jobs or the intimate emotional details about your own sex lives. Your family has probably heard or read details of your sex life. You don’t feel shy about asking strangers about theirs.
You know that the freedom and joy in speaking about forbidden topics are what removes the taboos around them.
3. You approach your body from a place of curiosity.
You don’t pressure your body to have the latest, most trending orgasm. You know that full-body, minutes-long orgasms are totally possible for everyone, and you know that they happen when your body is ready, and not before then. You tune in to your body and ask yourself what you most feel like experiencing today. You know that some days your self-pleasure looks like an hour of gently stroking your arms and belly, and some days it looks like quick orgasms in the shower.
You don’t judge your body for what it wants in the moment.
4. You’ve begun healing your relationship with men.
Even if you’re not sexually attracted to men, you’ve started to process and release some of the anger you’ve held toward men in the past. You’ve started processing your anger toward the patriarchy, toward lawmakers who rule your body, toward men who have hurt you. You’ve felt the collective pain women hold around men and sex. You notice that men have been hurt by the patriarchy, too. You understand many men communicate differently than you do.
You regularly look for the best in men.
5. You wear whatever you want.
You probably don’t own a bra, or at least you’re aware that you’re wearing one fully by choice. Female nipples have become so common to you that you’re still surprised when your photos get removed from social media. It’s unusual when you don’t see nipples poking through your friends’ clothing. You don’t worry about showing “too much skin” or what messages certain outfits are sending.
You wear what makes you feel most comfortable, and that’s all.
6. You groom your body however you want.
You may have stopped shaving entirely at some point in your life. You’ve questioned why you shave and for whom. You might have armpit hair, you might have a full bush, or you might wax yourself bare.
And, you’re aware that all of these decisions are made for you, and they don’t depend on your partner.
7. You’re familiar with your menstrual cycle.
You track your cycle (if you have one) and are familiar with your own unique shifts throughout the month. You know that on day eight you’re likely to feel a burst of energy, and on day 21 you feel insecure and like everyone hates you, and on day 24 you don’t like to be touched at all but on day 27 you like to be touched a lot. You aren’t squeamish about touching your blood. You know your blood is clean and beautiful and is a part of you. You might do rituals with it or feed it to your plants or just pay attention to the way it looks in your menstrual cup. You probably own a menstrual cup.
You’re aware of the power you gain when you claim your blood back as your own.
8. You’ve reclaimed the word “pussy” and fallen in love with vulvas.
The word pussy doesn’t bother you, because you’ve made it yours again. It might have felt strange and gross to say at some point in your life, and it doesn’t anymore. You use it so often that you forget it still causes a reaction in others. You love your smell and how responsive that part of your body is.
You know that vulvas can be all shapes, sizes, and colors, and that all of them are perfect. You might have vulvas decorating your household. You notice how they’re so incredibly beautiful—they resemble flowers, seashells, cut open fruit, and more.
You also know that not all women have vulvas.
9. You don’t feel shame around your desires.
You can choose to have sex where you breathe the energy through your body for hours and feel like you’re one with the entire universe. You can choose to have dom/sub sex where your partner ties you up and calls you his slut. You can choose to have soft, loving sex where you cry gentle waves of grief about past trauma you’ve experienced. You can choose to watch porn and make yourself orgasm in under a minute. You can self-pleasure with your hands or with a toy. You know that none of these things are holier or better than the other.
And you know that true freedom lies in being able to choose whatever you want.
10. You ask for what you want.
You tell your partner what you want in bed. You regularly talk about the sex you’ve had later or the next day, and you let your partner know what you liked the most and what you’d like them to change. You let them know what new things you’d like to try. You ask them what they want and what you can do more of for them. You appreciate your partner, compliment them, and love that they’re sharing such a vulnerable part of themselves with you.
You know that the responsibility for meeting your sexual needs is primarily your own.
11. People react strongly to you.
Whether people love you or can’t stand you, they have a strong reaction to you. When you’re empowered in your sexual energy, your eyes sparkle, you laugh easily, and your entire body radiates with confidence and self-assurance. You get reactions like “I’ve never met anyone like you” and “You’re too loud/rude/unclothed and I don’t like it.” People tell you how you’ve changed their lives and they tell you to cover up your body in public places.
Either way, people notice you, because you’re in your power and they can feel it.
12. You no longer think about what your body looks like.
Your focus is on your own pleasure and your partner’s pleasure. You know your body is stunning and you’re in love with it yourself. You know your partner loves your body. You’re not thinking about this breakout or this fat roll or this stretch mark or how your face looks when you moan. You’re not wondering about what you look like on top. You’re feeling your body, and you’re feeling the pleasure your partner gets from your body.
What you’re feeling is your priority, and you’ve said goodbye to those other voices that were never yours in the first place.
13. You make whatever sounds you want.
You know that orgasms can consist of tears, porn star moans, screams, growls, hysterical laughter, and more. You know that sound is what liberates your energy and allows it to move. You know that your sounds are you expressing the energy that moves through you.
You are unattached to the sounds, and you’re more focused on the sensations you’re feeling in your body than what your voice sounds like.
14. You know the dark depths of your sexuality.
You know your sexual energy isn’t light, airy, and superficial. You know that your magnetism comes from your rawness, from your shadows. You know that your wrinkles and scars make you a woman who has experienced, a woman who has felt. You can be completely submissive and you can want to tear your partner apart. You howl and scream and wail during sex.
You understand the crone aspects of being a woman, you understand this creates your power.
15. You know that pleasure isn’t just about sex.
You know that your sexual energy is cultivated by your sensuality, by how much you are connected to your senses. You know you can experience pleasure by wrapping yourself in a fuzzy blanket, eating the most delicious foods, and feeling the air on your skin.
You give yourself full permission to feel more pleasure in your everyday life.
16. You have sex as little or as often as you want.
You know that sex is not your duty to your partner. You know that some weeks you’ll feel extra cuddly and want to have sex every day, and some weeks you’ll be in such a creative flow or processing such deep emotions that you don’t want to be touched at all.
You know that desire naturally ebbs and flows, and you’re not overly attached to what it looks like.
You know that there’s not only one way to be sexually empowered. There is your way, and that’s what’s right for you.