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It has been a while since I last saw you, even though it feels much longer than that.
In fact, this is the longest I have not seen you since our first date all those years ago. The last few weeks have been some of the most painful, sad, depressing, confusing, growth-inspiring, healing, and empowering weeks I have ever had.
Deep down, I accept and understand why our relationship ended. I know that we aren’t compatible in the long-term, but I am still sad that the last memories I have of us together are such painful ones. I wanted to fight for us because I truly did believe in us. You were my best friend in the world.
I think that was one of the problems—we were best friends, but never knew how to find the balance between that friendship and our love life. Honestly, I don’t think we ever got the chance to find out what that balance would have looked like. Life kept throwing things at us.
I mistakenly thought that loving someone, and being best friends with them, was enough to make a relationship work.
Somehow, despite all of the obstacles that appeared in our relationship, I always wanted to make it work with you. Why? I am unsure, but my intuition is telling me that it was because I was growing and healing so much during our relationship. I didn’t want to let go of that healing. Even when it felt like I was being broken apart into little pieces, I would always find those pieces were coming back together to form a stronger version of myself.
Our relationship wasn’t the healthiest for either of us though. The love I had for you was beyond the love I ever had toward anyone else—even myself. That was another one of the problems right there: I loved you more than I loved myself in the relationship. That is what kept me fighting for it. I abandoned myself, my values, and my needs.
It’s not your fault I abandoned myself, but it is something I am reflecting on, forgiving myself for, and will continue to grow from. I also made the mistake of thinking I could fight enough for two people to keep the relationship going, but one person’s love is not enough. One person’s fight is not enough. It takes two dedicated and committed people to keep a relationship alive.
Even when I find it easier to stay resentful and angry, I really do think you are a wonderful person. You are handsome, loving, goofy, weird (in the best and strangest ways), intelligent, and extremely hard-working.
You are driven, ambitious, creative, innovative, and passionate. You are loyal to the people you care about and would drop anything to make sure they are okay. You provided me with the most support out of any relationship I have ever been in, and that is something I didn’t want to let go of or take for granted. After a while, that emotional support became less and less, and that’s okay.
It must have been hard to emotionally support me while you knew in your gut that I wasn’t right for you. I see why you didn’t want to work on this anymore.
In the throes of heartache, I have moments where I blame myself for how I felt so deeply. How I displayed big emotions, or how I defaulted to catastrophizing when you brought up difficult topics. My wounded inner critic wants to say that I was difficult to love in this relationship—that I was too much. Now, for the first time ever, I honestly don’t believe any of those statements. I don’t believe I am too much nor do I believe I am difficult to love. I am just me.
I mustered up the courage to be vulnerable with you (a first in any relationship I’ve been in) and wanted to show you all that I am, flaws and all. Whether you wanted to see it or not. I like, and even love, that I feel deeply because it is what allowed me to love you as deeply as I did. My abandonment wound drove me to catastrophize because I didn’t want to lose you, my best friend.
One day, someone will love all the things about me that I also love: my big heart, my nurturing mentality, my selflessness, my deeply felt emotions, my strengths, my wounds, and especially my weaknesses. One day, someone will love me at my best, my worst, and everything in between.
In our relationship, I learned to communicate better and to communicate more. I learned to be brave and vulnerable without fear. I learned to allow myself to feel safe in a relationship. I learned to let myself be loved by someone else. I learned the beauty of family connections. I learned how to lean on others for help without guilt. I learned to follow my passions wholeheartedly. I learned to be honest and speak the truth. I learned to work hard on keeping my identity within a relationship. I learned to not sacrifice meaningful relationships with other people in my life, especially while in a relationship. I learned to be aware of when I am engaging in sabotaging behaviors. I learned to apologize when I am engaging in sabotaging behaviors. I learned that communication is one of the most important things in a relationship, but is only a single piece of the puzzle.
I learned that it is important to put your partner first and to prioritize the relationship. I also learned that it takes two people to prioritize the relationship to make it work. I learned that a relationship is like a plant that needs to be nurtured, watered, and treated with the utmost care. I learned just how important trust is in keeping a relationship strong. I learned how important it is to trust my gut when it keeps trying to tell me something. I learned how important it is to set boundaries. I learned just how big my heart is and the boundless amount of love it can contain. I learned that when someone wants to leave, you should let them go. I learned that love is not enough. I learned to give myself the same love I freely give to others. I learned to never abandon myself. I learned to forgive and see others as human.
While the ending of our relationship brings me pain that goes deep into my mind, body, and soul, I want to thank you for being honest. Thank you for having the courage to speak up and not letting anything get in the way of what you knew was your truth—even when it involved resisting me trying to get you to stay. You were a fortress in your decision, and I respect that. You did what I was too scared to do. Thank you for letting me go.
A new door has been opened. I am free to walk through it and keep moving forward.
I hope you find a relationship that is deeply fulfilling and everything else you want it to be. I hope it brings you joy and that you feel safe in it. That you don’t have to think twice about being vulnerable with this person. I hope you have deep passion and romance for one another that only grows stronger over time. I hope that you find yourself with someone who is your best friend and your lover. I hope you get a fairytale with a happily-ever-after. I hope you have wonderful kids and a healthy marriage with this person. I hope you and your loved ones sigh with relief when you meet that forever person. I hope it makes sense to you and your loved ones why it never worked out with anyone else.
I hope all of this for you, from the bottom of my mending, but whole, heart.
Thank you for the memories and for allowing me to heal alongside you. I send you nothing but wishes for good health, prosperity, endless love, and unconditional happiness. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to meet you, learn with you, and learn from you. Because I knew you, my heart has grown so much larger and so much stronger.
A Former Connection of Your Heart