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You might be missing more than just small talk with a stranger these days. Feelings of sexual longing are completely natural.
One of the unanticipated positives of social distancing is the space for self-inquiry. It is allowing us to question how we mingle and interact with others. It is giving us time to recognize that sleeping with someone just to satisfy the urge for physical connection will not counteract our fears of separation or unresolved grief.
When it comes to casual sex, we always keep a little subconscious wish that it will fulfill us. That possibly this time we will feel better, feel satisfied, and we will love ourselves more.
We let the voices in our head say:
He or she is too hot to pass on. What if I need this?
What if it leads to more affection, more love, and more fulfillment?
What if I can keep this purely physical and just enjoy the release of tension? No harm done!
Sure, it could result in all of that.
But, if you’re a serial pleasure seeker and still alone, or in a loveless relationship, it’s time to admit to yourself that more sex will not solve anything. It will not get us what we truly want. It will not save us.
Yes, staying on our own during this time of crisis—the lack of human touch—can be hard. Hang in there.
We all know that sex is amazing. It has numerous benefits for the body and soul. The unhealthy part is exchanging energy with someone who perpetuates our avoidance. Someone who stops us from seeing the core wound, and tending to that first.
Maybe this is an opportunity to ask ourselves why we chose someone for casual sex.
Uncovering my own stubbornness and need to indulge was just the first step on my healing journey. I was eating men like a praying mantis. It was a dependency on something that made me feel okay temporarily but kept me from dealing with the core issue.
Maybe this time of quarantine is our chance to sit in a meditative space and inquire within.
What is the emotion that precedes our desire to seek casual sex?
What thought is there before we reach for the junk food, or the glass of alcohol?
What do we feel when we cannot get our fix?
We feel a void.
Then, “let’s fill it,” says the fearful ego.
But what about establishing self-love first? We must fill the void with unconditional acceptance of ourselves, first and foremost.
Sex is one of those intense physical and emotional experiences. But jumping into bed with a stranger means not letting ourselves feel the void first. Without patience, we avoid going deeper into our feelings of grief, loneliness, and unworthiness. Facing those is the second step to healing.
On the surface, having “no-strings-attached” sex protects us from heartbreak, deeper self-inquiry, attachment, dependency, and also from exploring our needs for emotional intimacy. Frankly, I can be one of those intimacy escapists too. I am still learning how to embrace my vulnerability and fears of rejection.
With all this free time on our hands, maybe it’s time to open the wound and examine it. Why do we keep bandaging our deepest hurts with more casual sex?
Is it helping us at all? Our deepest desire isn’t to “get off,” but to be seen and loved for who we are.
Accepting our old patterns and refocusing on self-love is the third step.
Giving up on mending our wounds with casual sex is a hard decision to make, but also a very brave one. We think that sex solves the problem and makes us happier. If that were true, we would all be enlightened zen monks by now! Clearly, we are not.
The journey from an unhelpful habit to a healthier way of living can be tedious. We must love ourselves through the guilt, the shame, and the manipulation.
Let’s take back our power. We are not a dumping ground for unexpressed emotions.
Once the quarantine is over, pursue what brings you joy, without the side effects.
Welcome to the final step of healing! It is to give love and to receive love. It will bring a welcomed breath of fresh air—connection without the hustle of forced sexuality.
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The Artist’s Stay-at-Home & Stay Sane Guide.
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