During this lockdown, our careers are slightly less demanding and in our face—now is the time to master online dating and chatting.
In an older line of thinking, dating apps were the perfect place to find a partner since we had little time. We were working long hours and held powerful positions. But, according to recent Pew research, the number of women who have found their partner online has quadrupled over the last seven years.
Nowadays, the journey from connection to commitment is made online more often than not. Thus, online chatting has become an essential part of modern dating. For the record, we can still get the heart-connection, intimacy, deep conversations, butterflies, laughing, blushing, and future planning with these apps.
Here are the seven secrets to creating a meaningful, pleasure-filled relationship through online chatting on dating apps:
1. Breathe and connect to the Earth.
Before opening the app, get centered. Breathe. Feel the Earth. There are millions of people on these apps, so it’s similar to walking into Coachella. There are great people there, but also creepy ones we don’t want to engage with.
Be wary and create distance from the creeps, but also be present for that special chance meeting.
2. It ends how it begins.
Open with something meaningful—describe the feeling that comes from looking at this person’s pictures and profile. It’s that simple. That feeling we get from them is important. Not COVID-19. Not the cat in the left-hand corner.
Take another breath. Feel the energy from this person, again. The more value we give to this experience, the more they will feel it and become connected. Do less explaining and more describing. A meaningful start leads to a meaningful relationship.
3. Say it as it is.
We should say it as if describing it to a friend. Don’t soften or polarize. Online chatting is about un-learning all the crazy ideas the magazines and YouTube influencers have put into our heads.
We are all looking for an authentic experience. It’s vulnerable to share our thoughts exactly as they are, but also powerful. The right men (or women) will respond, while the posers and one-night-stand seekers are immediately sifted out.
4. Don’t polish away the awkward.
At work, we polish away our awkwardness with corporate jargon and learned mannerisms, but they don’t want us as their CEO! In online dating, the connection grows in-between the polished, predictable steps.
We often feel like we have to be strong and totally put together—there’s no shoulder strong enough for us to lean our head upon—but when we stop avoiding moments of feeling awkward, we may find those shoulders are more supportive than we thought.
5. Don’t panic when they don’t reply immediately.
Okay, we have opened ourselves up. We have shared intimate feelings, and two hours later we haven’t gotten a reply. Notice how the mind starts creating all sorts of stories:
“Great, another person I am too much for.”
“He ghosted me.”
“I said too much.”
Remember that opening up to love is always vulnerable. No one can possibly meet us at the exact time we want—every time. Being with vulnerability, and being with desire is what brings our closed off hearts back alive.
It’s intense, but it’s like flowers budding and Spring melting the ice. Own these feelings and keep sharing them. This is where deep connection and solidarity are born.
Notice all this depth that comes with online chatting?
6. Invite pleasure and build energy.
Listen, anything that is possible offline is possible online—except making babies. Pleasure, butterflies, intimate touch, and trembling knees are all a part of online chatting. And no, I am not referring to the “what are you wearing now,” cheap stuff.
Only do this when feeling comfortable with it. Pleasure is not so much about the level of our pleasure hormones (dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins), but the speed with which they rise. It’s all about building energy. It’s the energy that breaks through our jaded minds and piques our interest. It’s when our hearts skip a beat.
Pleasure is the art of building energy. It’s a feedback loop of their energy to ours—over and over. Think about music. How does the DJ build energy? Repetition and using the energy of the crowd.
All of this takes great courage. The setting of online chatting can be that safe surrounding where we explore the edge—just a bit further.
7. The heart-connection Zoom call.
To shift from “we’re just dating,” to “he (she) might be the one,” we need to feel it. Do we dare to allow this person to care for us? Can we relax into ourselves? As we let the masks fall away, a timeless, wordless connection can grow.
Resting on the same pillow after sex is a perfect moment, but certainly not the only one.
Here’s a powerful alternative: find a fixed time to Zoom together. Do it every day for 10 minutes. No agenda is necessary, just start with a bow. Maybe look at each other’s faces and simply keep doing that. Notice the feelings that come up within this connection. Share. Keep it short—words rather than sentences. Own all the feelings and thoughts. After the 10 minutes are over, end with another bow and marvel together at the heart-connection that was made.
Trust in love, trust the natural instincts, and may these tips help along the way. The future of dating is now.