June 18, 2020

I’m Sick of Pretending—Here is Why I’m a Horrible Lover & Friend.

If we are all different, then why are we told to act the same?

Why can’t we love whom we want to and go where we want? Why are we obligated to form relationships and stay in them? Why can’t we walk out of a relationship (romantic or not) as easily as we walked into one? Why can’t we say no when we want to say no, and say yes when we want to say yes?

Just to fit in? If that’s your desire, then you shouldn’t read this post further. Trust me, don’t read if you don’t like being disappointed. I am going to disappoint you, upset you, and make you unhappy.

I’m a simple girl with no intention of hurting anyone—I just want to be myself, but it’s not that easy. Do you know why?

Let me tell you:

So let’s say we meet one day, and after a conversation or two, you become my friend. You won’t ask me whether I want the same or not, and I’ll go into an unwilling companionship. You will select me as your friend because of that one superficial conversation that I had with you, but you will never acknowledge the depth that I wanted in our friendship. I am the worst friend you will ever have. I have a hard time making new friends. When you push hard, I’ll withdraw.

We might be friends, but I will never call you or text you. I will never look forward to hanging out with you. I would rather travel alone than have you all along with me because I love my company more than you. Then a time will come when you will have expectations from me. You will want me to always have your back and to understand you without you saying a word, but unfortunately, that won’t happen. I would be stuck in a one-sided friendship where you’ll be the one to talk, and I’ll be the forever listener.

You will never hear me speaking because all you wanted was fun—no exchange of thoughts. I’ll always be there when you call me for advice, but I would never initiate any steps further. I’ll go places without you and spend my time reading a book rather than chatting with you. I will read your texts and give you late replies, and by this time you will start hating me.

This does not only apply to friendships. I might probably be the worst partner also. I’ll be in a relationship one day and walk away the other day if I find it unfulfilling and lacking intensity. I will not try to find out what went wrong, and I’ll let you go right at that moment I felt threatened. I will never look back at you.

One thing I would be missing right then is my single life and how free I used to be. How I traveled alone, ate my food in peace, and had no unnecessary drama in my world. I will never come back because you would have made me realize why being single is a blessing.

I will never return to you. I will not be one of those girls who wants to be friends afterward. I find it illogical. I can’t stand to pretend that everything is fine when I know it is not. I will never understand how people remain friends after being intimate. They are either still in love or were.

I will never be the ideal lover because when I ask for my needs, you will call me demanding. If I show my dark side, you will call me an attention-seeker. And, eventually, when I fight back, you will think I am ruthless. I will choose to step back and leave—I know you have no power to handle my dark side.

No, I will never be able to give you what you want. I will never be able to devote myself to you because my solitude means so much more to me—I would continually try to escape and embrace my alone time. By this time, you’ll think I am an insensitive woman with reckless behavior.

As far as I am concerned, I am also never going to be a good sister, a good child, or a good lover because I am not attached in that way. I was never one of those kids or siblings who called their family after every achievement or complication.

Yes, I am always alert to their needs, but I do not emotionally react to their concerns. I am okay with staying away from my family and talking to them once a week or a month if needed.

This should not make you doubt my love for them. It’s just the way I am. I love them, but my way of expression is different.

You might call me detached, but I am not one of you. I don’t fit. You see, this is the disadvantage of being yourself—you will always be labeled as an outsider.

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