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June 29, 2020

My Sexuality is…Undecided.

Johannes Krupinski/Unsplash

I continue to mark the heterosexual box on intake paperwork when it’s not true.

I do it, though, because it’s easier and there’s no box for me: undecided.

I’m going on 29 years old, and I avoid the topic of sexuality like the plague.

I thought I could bypass this topic in therapy, but it seems I no longer can. A year into our work, and I was asked by my therapist a dreaded question:

“Do you masturbate?” 

I don’t know what came out my mouth next, but I felt my feet tangle and my stomach knot as I processed the question.

“Did she really just ask me that?” I thought.

I looked at the time. Thirty minutes left.

She said I didn’t have to answer, but I felt an urge to do so.

What does one say?

Do you tell the truth?

Do you lie?

I responded by quickly shaking my head and looking past her.

I thought she would laugh, but she didn’t flinch. It was if there was no difference between my response to this question and whether I had a nice weekend.

She continued talking and asked a follow up question.

“Do you climax?”

This question made me want to jump up and slam my computer shut. I instead chipped at my nails feverishly and dug my feet deeper under my wooden chair.

I think I’m going to be sick, I thought.

I shook my head to respond, and again, the lady didn’t flinch.

Odd, I thought.

She smiled warmly and allowed me time to say what I’d like and move in the direction I wanted to go.

I’m not one to write about the topic of sexuality. It’s a topic that I avoid. However, I want to share my experience for anyone out there who also feels as I do.

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and undecided. It’s okay to not be sure.

If you surround yourself with the right crowd, they will be nothing but loving and accepting.

I am “undecided” and nervous, and that’s okay. I don’t have to decide today or tomorrow. I don’t need to label my sexuality now, or ever.

Nobody does.

For now, I think I’ll just be me and see where life takes me.

The journey is bound to be beautiful, no matter if I take one road or all of them.

~

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