I continue to mark the heterosexual box on intake paperwork when it’s not true.
I do it, though, because it’s easier and there’s no box for me: undecided.
I’m going on 29 years old, and I avoid the topic of sexuality like the plague.
I thought I could bypass this topic in therapy, but it seems I no longer can. A year into our work, and I was asked by my therapist a dreaded question:
“Do you masturbate?”
I don’t know what came out my mouth next, but I felt my feet tangle and my stomach knot as I processed the question.
“Did she really just ask me that?” I thought.
I looked at the time. Thirty minutes left.
She said I didn’t have to answer, but I felt an urge to do so.
What does one say?
Do you tell the truth?
Do you lie?
I responded by quickly shaking my head and looking past her.
I thought she would laugh, but she didn’t flinch. It was if there was no difference between my response to this question and whether I had a nice weekend.
She continued talking and asked a follow up question.
“Do you climax?”
This question made me want to jump up and slam my computer shut. I instead chipped at my nails feverishly and dug my feet deeper under my wooden chair.
I think I’m going to be sick, I thought.
I shook my head to respond, and again, the lady didn’t flinch.
Odd, I thought.
She smiled warmly and allowed me time to say what I’d like and move in the direction I wanted to go.
I’m not one to write about the topic of sexuality. It’s a topic that I avoid. However, I want to share my experience for anyone out there who also feels as I do.
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and undecided. It’s okay to not be sure.
If you surround yourself with the right crowd, they will be nothing but loving and accepting.
I am “undecided” and nervous, and that’s okay. I don’t have to decide today or tomorrow. I don’t need to label my sexuality now, or ever.
For now, I think I’ll just be me and see where life takes me.
The journey is bound to be beautiful, no matter if I take one road or all of them.