3.4
September 4, 2020

I Love You, But I’m not Ready Yet.

I love you.

However, right now, I don’t want to live with you.

I want you all to myself, and I want you to want only me, but I am not ready to go all-in like that yet.

You see, I have been busy living my life taking care of other people and now, with my house that was once full of kids and dogs, now empty, I need time for me. I need time to learn who I am alone. Who I am when I have no one to take care of in the middle of the night and who I am when my AC goes out.

I love you; however, I am not ready to merge my life into yours just yet. 

I want to take care of you when you are sick, listen for hours as you talk about your day, I want you to take me and only me to your bed, but I am not ready to stay permanently, not yet. I know I will get there. I know as we grow together in this healthy relationship we will find ourselves wanting to be closer, but I am not ready just yet.

I love you; however, I am still discovering me.

I still want to learn how to cook your favorite meals, make a moist cake, and see who you are when I am not looking. I want weekend getaways, graduation celebrations, and odd fights that take place in the early mornings when we are both tired and the fight is meaningless. But for now, I want my bed to come home to. I want my shower and the snacks I have hidden in the pantry. Right now, I want the freedom to lay on the couch and watch trash TV while you are home reading.

I love you. But right now, I don’t want to merge finances and have you see how I foolishly spend money. 

As I drive to your house, I still get excited. When you open the door, you can’t always tell, but my heart beats your name. I want a life with you and no one else. I want all of your days—the good, the bad, the rotten, and the amazing. But right now, I want to be in charge of my thermostat and taking out my own trash bin each Tuesday morning.

I love you and I want to eventually live with you and love you out loud every day, but right now, I have to prepare for that so when the time is right, we will both be ready, and when we make this decision together, it will lead to happily ever after.

I love you. 

~

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