September 14, 2020

The Grass isn’t Greener: Why Cheating isn’t the Answer to Relationship Problems.

Almost all of us have probably heard someone say, “Well, if the grass looks greener…”

And that’s where it all begins.

The man or woman who gave you butterflies in your stomach, made your head spin, and evoked a lust within that you never imagined possible.

The romantic gestures. The obsessive need for each other in every way—calls, texts, emails, dates. Passion, desire, delirious joy.

You can’t sleep. You can’t eat. You count the seconds until you can be together again. Your friend. Your lover. Your soul mate. Your world.

Then one day, you awake and see who you think is your best friend by your side, yet the passion, desire, and delirious joy seem to have dissipated. You slide into a comfortable routine. Special rituals become habits. Life is busy. Work demands. Family. Stress. Exhaustion. You get it. 

But…because you value that connection and special bond, you may continue to stoke the fire because your connection as a couple means more to you than anything in the world—while your partner seems to take it for granted, or worse, doesn’t seem to care anymore.

You crave the fire. Need the spark. But she or he just doesn’t seem to be flammable. No matter how hard you try, the fire is nearly extinguished and the embers have turned to ash.

And you feel desperate. Alone. With so many questions swirling around in your mind.

You’ve seen this. You’ve been there. The colleagues who fool around when traveling, but love their partners deeply and would never leave their spouse or family. They claim there are valid reasons why they cheat. Why they betray the ones they love.

Then you wonder if your partner has someone else—because you’ve experienced this too many times to count. So your mind can’t help but wonder—and wander.

Self-doubt ensues. Insecurity. The inconsistency in your loved one’s actions leave you needy, a version of yourself that you don’t understand—and don’t like.

You carefully address this delicate subject with him or her in an attempt to find out what may be wrong. And though the behavior and actions have definitively changed, your partner denies it, and in defeat, your internal war begins.

Your gut screams out at you, while your mind rationalizes it all, and your heart just continues to love without limits.

How? What? When? Why? Is it possible? Could it be?

You fight for your relationship. You fight for the love. You fight for him or her—but then finally ask yourself, “What am I fighting for?”

For the people who have slid into comfort, routine, or habit, and take for granted who they have and what they share—the grass may start to look greener.

But that’s because they have stopped paying attention to their significant other, and are finding temptation outside of their relationship. There is a void within them that seeks something—an escape, a distraction, an adrenaline rush, dopamine surges, avoidance of loneliness, or selfishly, maybe just egos that need feeding.

And the shame of it is—the grass only looks greener because you’ve stopped watering your own.

The temptation creates a dangerous excitement. The newness gives you butterflies. Your head spins. Desire grows. It becomes addictive. You need that fix. That high.

And why? Because you are focused on this new person, this attraction, and bringing the affair to life by giving it constant attention. Just as you could with your loved one at home. Just like you did in the beginning.

If you promised the world to your significant other then stopped short—that was a sales pitch, not love or commitment.

Life does become monotonous. Chores, duties, and responsibilities may seem overwhelming. Day after day it’s often a grind. But I can almost guarantee that if you cherish the person you are with—find ways to keep the friendship and romance alive, ensuring that she or he feels special and wanted—your grass will be very green.

Don’t ever stop paying attention to the love you share—the person who walks beside you every day, in good times and bad. The relationship you built. The memories you’ve made that are meant to be cherished.

And, most importantly, the needs of your partner.

Stop looking for greener grass.

Focus on your own lawn at home, and you may find that you have everything you could ever want and need right there.


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