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September 29, 2020

Why Women who Struggle with Sex often Struggle with Money.

What do money and sex have in common for women?

They stimulate interest and curiosity, they generate pleasure and well-being, and they come with three challenges.

1. Overcoming taboos

Conversation about sex and money can feel difficult—in your love relationship and in other relationships too. It can be challenging to talk about your sexuality with your partner. It can be even harder to talk about money or to ask your boss for a raise.

2. Asking for what you need

Reply to these questions and check if you have a tendency to always put the comfort of the other before your own.

Sex:

>> Do you ever fake it with pleasure?

>> Do you make the other feel at ease to the detriment of what you need?

Money:

>> Do you ever fake that it is enough money for your services when you think you should receive more?

>> Do you charge your worth?

>> Can you refuse a job or a client trusting you deserve better than the actual offer?

3. Owning your preferences

Being confident with your sexuality or your ability to make money can bring up another set of challenges. Let’s have a quick look:

Sex:

>> Do you feel your sexual preferences can challenge your relationship?

>> Do you feel comfortable initiating?

>> Do you own your Nos?

Money:

>> Do you make others comfortable by not showing your success too much?

>> Did you experience some challenges in a love or friendship relationships because of the money you make or your desire to have more money?

Money and sex are two topics which bring up a lot of “good girl” conditioning—the impulse to accommodate others first.

Accommodating others, when it’s a conscious choice, can be a kind and helpful gesture.

But when it comes from limiting beliefs, the accommodation builds up frustration and resentment in the body-mind. It feels like your power is taken away from you.

When I coach women and they come with what they feel is a “sexual block,” there’s usually the same “symptom” with their finances or their capacity to make money.

These two areas are big sources of power in our modern life. If you feel overpowered with one or both, it’s important to reverse tables. You want to create your sexuality and your wealth according to the one and only magic compass: your desires.

Women have been conditioned to accommodate others for millennia. For a long time, their safest option in life was to show the traits of a good wife in order to marry well. A good wife was not really allowed to have big desires. But she had to make sure everyone around her had their desires satisfied—especially her family and her partner.

Times changed and women now have the same rights as men in most countries. But still not in all countries, and it looks like some rights are still fragile and need to be fought for.

Theoretically though, in most places, they can go for their desires as much as they want. But often they don’t.

Because they have been raised by mothers who were in the transition and grandmothers who couldn’t.

Because they grew up in countries or religious communities where it was still not fully accepted.

Because some men run on that old program too. Maybe men in their family had these beliefs.

We can understand all these reasons, but it’s not what will create changes.

What’s important is to deal with what happens now. And what shows up generally is an overwhelm of the nervous system when women go for more pleasure or more abundance. It can show up with difficult emotions like guilt or fear, or some negative or judgmental thoughts about their desires, or simply numbness (for sex) and procrastination (for making money or taking care of a business).

The nervous system is in charge of your survival and safety. If you hold a message deep inside that it’s not safe to be sexually expressed or to be rich, it will shut down your body-mind and sabotage any action in that direction.

Good news, there is a way out.

I like this name for the nervous system: “the animal body.” Because it’s exactly how it feels for me.

The secret is to teach your animal body that having your desires met is safe.

We are so used to train for “harder.” We know how to build capacity in our nervous system for more work, more physical strength, more endurance, or more resilience.

But who taught us to train it for more pleasure, more power, and more abundance?

Not a lot of people, right?

Why? Because our brain is wired for survival first. It even shows up in a lot of spiritual paths that put so much stress on “suffering.” It’s the heroic journey—to suffer before getting there.

Does suffering exist? Yes, life is 50/50. And the “all is love and light” is just another way to bypass reality.

But it’s possible to build up your capacity to go for your desires and to receive. For example, better sex and more money if that’s what you want. It might just feel counterintuitive at first.

You can start the process with those simple steps:

1. Make a list of all the ways you accommodate others when it doesn’t feel like a choice but like an automatism.

2. Pick one event of the list and track the sensations in your body, the emotions, and thoughts that arise.

3. Imagine what the woman in you who goes for her desires would do instead of accommodating others.

4. Break that down into micro steps that feel manageable for your nervous system.

Go step-by-step.

And if you feel stuck, confused or you want to accelerate that process, ask for help.

Giving yourself total permission to desire great sex and more money isn’t frivolous. It deserves focused attention because in both places disempowerment likes to hide.

Going for it will be a gateway to more freedom, more aliveness, and ultimately a life with more options.

~

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