*Warning: strong language ahead!
I suffered from emotional pain most of my life.
I suffered from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks my entire life since I was in my mom’s belly, a fetus.
I felt trapped inside something I could not fathom or label.
I always felt like I was moving in a giant circle with no escape. Just going around from A and back to A again. There was no point B or C for me.
I had a successful career as a journalist in my hometown. Then a highly privileged job at some higher governmental institution.
On the outside I looked mature, serious, and happy—accomplished.
But that was not my inner reality.
Inside I felt like I was missing something.
Sometimes I felt unreal.
Sometimes I felt like a clown playing a role.
Sometimes I felt like an old coat that could not keep me warm.
I felt alienated within.
On the outside, I looked confident and deserving.
On the inside, I was dying.
It took me multiple fucked-up romantic connections with men to experience the inner emotional pain to a high degree, to the point where I couldn’t function properly in my daily life any longer.
My masks of fake confidence and the fake sense of grandiosity were dropping one by one.
And I felt so naked.
I started studying Psychology for five years to understand myself better.
Psychology could not give me all the answers I was looking for.
My emotional pain was becoming unbearable.
I felt broken.
Sometimes I remember wanting out—I wanted to die and I experienced suicidal thoughts.
When my successful careers failed and collapsed, when depression settled in, when I did not give a fuck about anything anymore, when I realised what was mostly my parents’ wishes for me were not really me, I started feeling like it was time I embarked on a personal quest for deeper meaning in my life.
I experimented with mediation groups.
Still, I could not find all the answers I was looking for.
Then one day it clicked for me. I realised that as humans we need a holistic approach to our problems, to our depression, anxiety, or whatever we are internally suffering from.
And no. I’m not talking about the fake positivity type of bullshit. That shit won’t mend your heart.
Your heart and mind need a total reset, a total upgrade from the roots.
Our brains are wired in specific ways in the first 7 years of our existence.
Our brains know what is familiar. And they will keep going in that direction, whether that direction feels good or bad.
If pain, depression, anxiety, emotional roller-coasters, and dysfunctional connections are familiar, this is what our brain is going to look for and create again and again and again.
It’s like we are moving on an automatic or autopilot engine—because we are.
We can be partly or completely unconscious of this process.
We, or rather, our neurons know certain familiar ways of creating and responding to reality, and we will create those same experiences that provoke the same triggers and pain without knowing how to stop this crazy machine—our mind.
It makes me really sad sometimes, as I discover and create myself and my life anew each day, to realise how much of who I thought I was, was not me. But my parents and other adults that took care of me as a child, and that put in my psyche their fucked up beliefs and outlook on life, money, relationships, love, sex, and more.
And it makes me even more sad to realise it takes one a lifetime, and maybe more than one, to fully exit the matrix others put us in. So we can be individuals in our own right, operating from our center where we can find our power, and seeing how none of the beliefs we have been leading our lives with has been fully ours. They’re mostly our parents’.
As I uncover my false beliefs and my dysfunctional family dynamics, I see how I was born to be wild and free, and to create new pathways.
And perhaps it takes this contrast to make us break free from the chains of past conditioning.
As I transform and change and keep evolving to be the best version of myself, I envision. That’s my top one priority in my life now. It’s not my parents, my friends, or any lover. It’s me.
I’m developing my core, my essence, and exiting the matrix of my past conditioning.
Take an inventory of your life or ask yourself: how much of who you are now is truly, really you? How much is your mom and dad, or any primary caregivers, operating through you as you?
They still operate through us in subtle unconscious ways.
Once we get out of their matrix, we get out of the illusions they created for us when we went on autopilot, believing everything we were told we were that was never truly who we are at our core.
I have experienced immense pain in my life and in my intimate romantic relationships due to my “daddy issues” or “father complex,” as referred to in Psychology.
I studied Psychology, because I wanted to understand why I felt so broken for most of my late 20s and early 30s.
My purpose in this life is to break the chains of generations of conditioning, to become a whole individual and a woman unto myself by creating my reality and co-creating my reality with the universal laws that are completely different from what I experienced as a child.
You and me may need to write and read out loud to ourselves the statements below:
>> I am not my mom.
>> I am not my dad.
>> I am not my siblings.
>> I am not my relatives.
>> I am not my family.
>> I am me, a unique individual on my journey to create an amazing, abundant life that I dream of and envision.
>> I am a unique being with unique talents, skills, and gifts that I choose to share with the world, and I live an abundant life because of them.
>> I deserve to speak up, stand for my truth, and create my reality.
>> I deserve to create the best life possible that I imagine for myself.
>> I allow myself to change and transform—and not apologise for it.
>> I choose to create a new familiar from now on; being and feeling loved, connected, cherished, and appreciated by others. And I am open to only conscious, healthy, and uplifting relationships and environments that support my dreams and my evolution.
We cannot offer any change in the world if we don’t change the neuronal pathways in our brain, learn to master our mind, and not let it run our lives on autopilot mode.
We can take control of our lives now. We can understand our childhood—what we saw, heard, and experienced at that time—and make a full turnaround. To turn everything upside down and look at ourselves maybe for the first time with clear eyes for who we truly are, in our essence, not whom we thought we were, because of others’ beliefs and opinions of us.
We need to let go of those beliefs.
It’s not easy.
There will always be a battle of push and pull—and that’s ok.
As long as we remember we are working to exit our conditioning and become whole beings, we can keep the process alive one day at a time.