October 20, 2020

Learning about Loving Yourself when Addiction hits Home.

The phone rings.

I’m hoping it’s not the call
I look up and see his face
The look says it all.
It’s from someone who’s sick

It’s addiction again
playing its tricks.
I fear this will never end.

The calls that come all times of the night
Even on vacation
I have no respite.

I am angry because of the interruption and we fight.

Why?

I ask. Not now…not again.

This has been going on for years
The trips to the hospital
Or the climb up the stairs
To find them passed out or under a chair.

Why?

It’s so not fair.
I am angry and hurt and less willing to bend
For my life has become

A woman who dreads
The fear of that call
To hear that once more
That alcohol again has taken its toll
On my loved ones who continue to fall.

I’m so sad
For them and for me
My mind continues to say.
It’s an awful disease.

I cry and I scream
I talk and I listen,
Why are you doing this?

It’s the bills,
the wife
the husband
the kids.

It’s always about their entire sh*tty life.

But I continue to listen
I give hugs and advice
As I cry and hold them extra tight.

I’m tired of their excuses
I want my life back.
Please don’t drink, I beg. 

We can get you back on track.

I do tough love
I walk away
I swear and I slam
I argue and persist
I come back.

Why does this addiction make me go through this?

I become obsessed
Of how they should cope
Of showing them how they can get help
and me reading books.

I’m tired of them asking
Come look and see.
What addiction has again taken from me.

I can’t do this alone anymore.

I need help to help me.

To get out of this crazy
Life inside and helping them
But again I want to flee.

Go to a meeting I scream within
Not for her
Not for him
I resist—not me.

Years go by

Lives are lived
Houses are sold
Marriages go bad.
Relationships end
Lives are wrecked.

Why did this have to happen to me and my friend?

I have headaches every day
I live in a fog
Never knowing if I should go or stay.

Years go by and life does too
The addiction still continues for me and you.

It has to stop
We have no control
We need a beginning
and a new start.

Like a bud blossoming into a flower
We need a new life.
We now need a Higher Power.

Give up control
Accept what is
We have to move past all of this. 

We can’t continue on
We must begin somewhere
But fear gets in the way.

How do I stop helping those who are dear?

I realize my health
Is important to me.
I must become more and just be
In these moments of life

I am learning to be still.
To listen to my gut and
Show kindness to myself.

How do I begin this new journey for me?

I know I can’t live under this strife
Of fear, anger, and codependency.

Enough is enough
I have to find a new way
12 Steps it is.
To cope with you and care for me I say.

I need to sleep
I need to eat
I need to walk
And breathe again.

No more lies
No more cares.
You have to seek
To find your way.

I will be here to support your life
If you choose to fight the fight. 

 

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” ~ Twelve Steps and Traditions

 

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